I bet you’ve heard this one before

“What are you really looking for in a partner?”
“There has to be someone who ticks all your boxes!”
“You’re not perfect either, you know!”
“You’re getting older – you can’t afford to be so picky. Lower your standards or you’ll end up alone!”

Tough, right? Dating is hard enough without everyone around you weighing in.

Why do people, especially the ones closest to you, seem so critical when all you’re trying to do is find the right person for you?

Why Your Family or Friends “Attack” You

If you’ve been single for a while, you’ve probably heard the classic “You need to lower your standards.”
And honestly? It stings.

But here’s the thing: when your loved ones say that, they don’t mean to hurt you. Deep down, they just don’t like seeing you alone. They genuinely think they’re helping.

They’re seeing things from their perspective, thinking, “If I were single, I’d just get out there and find someone.”
And when you don’t, they assume something’s wrong and try to “fix” it.

Their words may sound harsh, but the intention, however misguided, is often love.

I Get Why You’re Upset

You just want the right person. There’s nothing wrong with that.

But when people tell you to “settle,” it feels like they’re invalidating your instincts, and that hurts. It can leave you feeling hopeless, like maybe you’re asking for too much.

So let’s get real for a second. Should you actually lower your standards just to be in a relationship?

What Do You Really Want?

Grab a pen and answer these:

What’s the most important quality you want in a partner?
What does your ideal partner look like – personality, lifestyle, values?

Now, be brutally honest with yourself. Are you looking for someone who’s on your level?

Think about your own situation – looks, fitness, career, income, social life, education, independence.
If you expect a high-value partner, are you living at that same level too?

It’s okay if not, this isn’t judgment. It’s self-awareness.

Having standards is great. Expecting perfection? Not so much.

The Truth About Standards

It’s completely reasonable to want someone on your level. But if you’re hunting for a 100% perfect match, you’re probably setting yourself up for frustration.

As you get older, the dating pool naturally shrinks. That’s all your friends and family are trying to tell you: be open, not rigid.

It’s not that you don’t deserve the best, of course you do!

But being reasonable might make it easier to find someone if you’re willing to compromise in some areas. Everyone has flaws, right? Nobody’s perfect, including you.

I can already hear you saying:

“No, I’m not perfect but I’m attractive, I work out, I earn good money, I’m intelligent, have a university diploma and I’m generous and caring! I should be right to want the same partner!”

Okay, okay, I get you. But be honest, are you really smart all the time?
You don’t have moments where you make stupid decisions?
You don’t have days when you’re lazy or look like crap?

Be realistic, not narcissistic.

“I just want somebody like me.”

But here’s the thing – if you’re looking for someone exactly like you, you’re searching for perfection. And honestly? That’s pretty unlikely.

Now let me ask you something: can you see things from your ideal partner’s perspective?

They’ll be looking at you with their own checklist in mind, too. Just like you, they’ll have specific traits they’re searching for.

Makes sense, right?

Why You Should Never Lower Your Standards

Here’s the danger of settling:

You meet someone who doesn’t truly fit, but you stick around because you’re scared of being alone or missing out on having kids.
Fast forward a few years – you’re in a miserable relationship, possibly raising kids in a tense, unhappy home.

That’s not love. That’s self-betrayal.

Having standards protects you from that. Wanting a partner who’s kind, responsible, emotionally intelligent, and attractive to you isn’t “picky”, it’s healthy.

“So, What’s the Solution? I’m Confused – What Should I Do?”

Here’s the thing – you’re absolutely right to look for someone on your level (based on the list you made earlier). Stick to those high standards!

Just be open to someone who’s generally on your level, even if they don’t check every single box.

For example, they might have a better job than you but not be as fit.

Or maybe they’re better looking but not as smart. You get the idea.

I know you already understand this on a rational level. But here’s something that might help convince you even more:

Make a List of Your Flaws

When you’ve listed out your flaws, take a moment to remind yourself: a great partner will accept you as you are. They won’t judge you or try to change you. It’s something to think about, even if you’re not completely sure how you feel about it yet.

You’re on the right path by looking for someone who feels like a good match for you.

But here’s the thing – your partner will have flaws too, just like you. And that’s okay. What really matters is being open to their perspective, even when it’s totally different from yours.

If you’re curious, you might find some helpful ideas in related articles:

Why being attractive empowers you

The proven way to develop your charisma

Why girls like bad boys and how to be one

Read this if you often get bored in relationships

How to be assertive in a relationship

How to not let a breakup destroy you

Why “The One” is a myth?

The benefits of single life

TheThinkAbout is a website based on psychology in practice and experience.

Like the articles? Subscribe to never miss anything.