Do you ruin your relationships out of boredom?

Many people think:

“I want a relationship so bad! Every time I get into one, everything is perfect – we have so much fun, passion and excitement!

And then it inevitably wears off.

We get to know each other too well, there is no more thrill, the spark is gone. It’s all the same every day and it’s so annoying. I lost all interest. I thought he/she was The One, but turns out, they are such a boring person!

So I have to break it off. You are not supposed to be bored if you meet your soulmate.”

One of the most common reasons relationships fall apart is because people get bored with each other. Their relationship gets old and dull so they end it. Then they start another relationship, get excited, then get bored again.

Are you also one of those people?

It’s a shame they teach advanced maths in school but they don’t teach things like How to be happy in a love relationship.

But don’t despair. You will get past relationship boredom if you know what causes it.

Do other couples struggle with boredom or it’s just me?

First of all, you should know that relationship boredom will happen in any relationship. Even the most romantic and passionate relationships are not an exception. Once you are in a long term relationship and settle down, there will be some degree of boredom.

This is not about you or the other person.

It’ because of the chemicals in your brain.

When you first meet someone you like, your brain starts producing all the happy chemicals that make you excited, such as dopamine (that gives you pleasure), norepinephrine (that gives you excitement and arousal), serotonin (that makes you think obsessively about a crush), oxytocin (the bonding hormone) and endorphins (responsible for feeling happy and relaxed).

These chemicals work together to create the intense experience of having a crush. (See why you develop crushes easily).

Their effect is so big that you don’t even have to do something special, like think hard of conversation topics, plan activities or put so much effort into things that keep you together.

When you initially get together with someone you’re attracted to, all you want to do is be in each other’s company and talk sweet nothings.

The problem is, these chemicals fade with time. This is because their role is to make you enter into a relationship, not sustain a relationship.

To be able to stay in a relationship, you need to be educated on how to navigate one.

Why all relationships get boring in time

If you believe there is such a thing as “The One” or one destined person for everybody, that you just need to find and live happily ever after, you will suffer from relationship dissatisfaction. (Read why “The One” is a myth here.)

The honeymoon phase is always meant to end, no matter if it lasts 6 months, a year of even two years.

Biology designed your brain like this for a reason. If you existed in this euphoria state all the time, you wouldn’t want to do anything else like go to work, socialise, work out, go outside, engage in hobbies etc.

After the excitement lessens, you have two options: to bond deeper with the other person and settle down or get bored with them and end the relationship.

If you two:

• don’t have much in common;
• generally feel bored and dissatisfied with life (See how to change that);
• don’t have much going on outside the relationship;
• lack the knowledge how to keep up a healthy relationship

you will soon get bored with each other.

How to not get bored and unhappy in a relationship

Boredom happens for two reasons – if there is a lack of novelty and if you keep your relationship on a superficial level.

Knowing these, you can get comfortable with someone, without being bored if you do these:

• Never take your partner for granted and neglect the relationship – the same way as you train your body, excel at work, gain knowledge or learn a new skill. If you stop making your partner special or spend quality time, your relationship is gonna wither
• Go deeper with them – Your boyfriend/ girlfriend should be the person you’re closest with if you want to have a serious relationship. You can’t keep your interactions superficial like not sharing your deep fears and desires and expect to feel satisfied in a relationship. It’s gonna become dull and unexciting because 1. the excitement phase is over but 2. there is no deep bonding.
• Create variety – Everything that lacks variety is going to become boring sooner or later. If you take the same route to work you will be bored, if you ate the same dish you will be bored, if you played the most exciting video game ever, every day you WILL be bored. There are hundreds ways to keep things fresh in your relationship from trying new things in the bedroom to visiting new places, meeting new friends or start working on new common projects.
• Work towards a common goal – Why so often people who work or study together end up together? Because a common goal bonds. If you have something to strive for like building a business, or renovating your house etc. you will grow much closer and you won’t feel bored.
• Fix your wrong believes about relationships – Is your partner a good woman/man? Are they smart, generous, supportive, reliable? What qualities do you value most in a partner? If they have them, ignore their minor shortcomings. The grass is not always greener. Very often people break up because they were being negative about their partner. Those people thought they could do better but often realise they were unappreciative of their partner.
• Be sure you’re satisfied with your own life – People often confuse relationship dissatisfaction with being unhappy on their own. If you’re feeling bored, you can’t expect from your partner to entertain you. If you don’t like something about your life – your work, your body image, your friend circle – change it and you will stop feeling bored in your relationship. Are you chronically dissatisfied? Learn how to fix this here.

What if you do all these things and you’re still unhappy

Sometimes, despite all efforts you realise that you and your partner don’t have much common ground – your tastes, opinions and basic understanding about life is very different.

If you don’t enjoy the same things, you will find your partner boring and annoying while in fact you like different things.

• You love mystery and your partner action series;
• You love to go outside and your partner is a couch potato;
• Your partner is a foodie and you are a fitness maniac;
• You are very practical and your partner is too dreamy;
• You are very ambitious and your partner is too laid back etc.

While it’s true that “opposites attract” you should have something very big in common to keep you together. Otherwise you are losing time on a relationship that can’t work.

If you’re unhappy with your partner but stay with him/her for fear of being alone, check out some useful resources:

How to be happy when you’re single

How to not let a breakup destroy you

How to never give up when life gets hard

and many more.

Did this help?

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