Was your last breakup…different?

If you’ve landed here, chances are you’ve just gone through a painful split – and deep down, you suspect something about your ex doesn’t add up.

Maybe things seemed fine, even good.

Maybe he told you he loved you just days before – then suddenly ended things over something small, out of nowhere, with no explanation, no closure, no follow-up.

If that sounds familiar, you may have just walked away from a relationship with a narcissist.

Breakups hurt, but a breakup with a narcissist hits different.

It’s not just sadness and anxiety – it’s confusion. You’re left spinning, asking yourself questions like:

• Was it real?
• Why exactly did we break up?
• Did we actually break up, because I thought it was it just a fight?
• How could he say he loved me, then cut me off like I was nothing?
• Why is he not responding?
• Why is he acting so mean, blaming me for everything, and refusing to talk?
• Why does he refuse to discuss the breakup?
• Why did he badmouth me to friends?
• Why won’t he take any responsibility?
• Why was he so angry and hostile?
• Did I even know who this person was?

You probably saw your ex as sweet, caring, maybe even the love of your life. But then, out of nowhere, he flipped – showing you a side that was cold, rude, selfish, hostile, and downright cruel.

That kind of whiplash is enough to shake your beliefs to the core and make you question your own reality.

You start wondering: Am I going crazy? Or did the person I was dating lose their mind?

It’s a devastating place to be – realizing that someone you thought you knew not only broke your heart, but also turned on you, hurled awful accusations, treated you like the enemy… and then disappeared without a trace.

Why You Didn’t See It Coming

The tricky part about narcissists is that you usually don’t realize what you’re dealing with until after the breakup.

It’s only when you’ve had some distance, when the emotional fog clears, that things start to click.

By that time, though, it’s often too late – you’ve already been caught in their cycle of manipulation and abuse.

So why didn’t you notice sooner?

Think of the old saying about boiling a frog:

If you drop a frog in boiling water, it’ll jump out immediately and save itself. But if you put it in cool water and turn up the heat slowly – it won’t realize the danger and boil to death.

Narcissistic relationships start at their peak.

And then only deteriorate over time.

 But it’s a subtle process.

At first, everything feels incredible.

In fact, you may have started spotting little red flags a month or two in, but you were already hooked. Narcissists are masters at sweeping you off your feet with intensity, charm, and what feels like instant soul-level connection.

Don’t worry, you are’t gullible.

Healthy relationships are exciting too, but they usually grow at a more natural pace. There is no rush, you date, you get to know each other, feelings deepen gradually.

With narcissists, it’s different. They come in fast and strong. They want you to believe you’ve finally found “The One.” (Spoiler: that whole idea of “The One” is a myth anyway, but we’ll get to that.).

This tactic even has a name: love-bombing. We’ll dive into that in a bit.

Once a narcissist feels they’ve “won” you, the mask starts to slip.

At first, it’s subtle. Maybe he teases you for being “clumsy, but cute.” Then he comments on your weight. Then suddenly, you’re “too sensitive,” “too argumentative,” or just “not that likable anymore.”

By the time the cruelty shows in full, you’re already in deep – already boiled.

Don’t wait for closure

Here’s the hardest part: breakups with narcissists don’t come with closure.

And without closure, it’s tough to heal. When you can’t make sense of why the relationship ended, it keeps you stuck, replaying everything, searching for answers that won’t come.

But don’t expect your ex to give you closure.

What will give you closure is recognizing the truth for yourself. Realizing your ex was a narcissist explains the confusion, the sudden switch in behavior, the cruel words, and the disappearing.

That knowledge is your closure.

In the next part of this article, we’ll look at what a narcissist really is – and why none of this breakup was your fault.

A Narcissist in a Nutshell

Think about Harvey Dent/ Two-Face from Batman.

On the surface, narcissists can look like the nicest people in the room – charming, friendly, generous, good with kids, the “perfect” partner or friend.

But what happens underneath their exterior is something very different.

Narcissists are people with a deep-rooted trauma.

Most of them carry deep childhood wounds – rejection, neglect, or abandonment. That pain never really healed, so they learned to hide it behind a carefully crafted mask.

They don’t have a solid sense of self; instead, they see themselves through the eyes of others. A narcissist’s soul is a black whole.

Deep down, they carry shame, self-hatred, and feelings of unworthiness.

Facing those feelings would destroy them, so they cover them up with a fake persona designed to win admiration. That’s why they crave constant validation, and why their ego, fragile like a soft-boiled egg, needs constant protection.

Most narcissists know they are narcissistic.

But without that steady flow of attention, they fall apart. Many turn to alcohol, drugs, or reckless behaviors just to escape themselves.

Don’t feel sorry for a narcissist.

They won’t feel sorry for the pain they cause you. They’ll drain you and move on without a second thought.

The best you can do for both of you is to stay away from them.

“But my ex loved me? They can’t be that bad!“

I get it.

It probably felt like your ex loved you more than anything. But here’s the reality: narcissists can’t truly love in the way you think of love.

Because narcissists don’t actually love themselves, they can never experience love for others.

To love someone, you have to put your ego aside. A narcissist can’t do that.

Narcs don’t love you for who you are, but for how you make them feel.

They are black and white thinkers.

If you make them feel good, you’re “good” and you “deserve” their love. If you don’t, the love vanishes. That’s why even small disagreements turn into deal-breakers for them.

Healthy relationships are built on compromise and meeting each other’s needs.

Narcissists believe a relationship should make them happy.

They don’t care how their partner feels, as long as they are unbothered. If their partner has their own needs, a narcissist would not work on meeting them. They would simply rationalise ending the relationship because you two “are very different”.

No matter how strong your relationship is, sooner or later you’ll have to face problems together.

Whether they are related to money, relocating, raising children etc., is irrelevant. And then you’ll have to meet in the middle.

But a narcissist can’t do that.

Narcissists don’t compromise, because compromise means admitting they’re partly wrong – and in their world, they never are.

Do you see how problematic this can get?

Like someone who would lack an arm, narcissists lack empathy.

It’s not always that they don’t have it, but it’s limited.

That’s also why narcissists move on so quickly after a breakup – they don’t bond with people the way non-narcissists do. To them, people are replaceable. The next relationship always seems “better” because it’s fresh, easy, and conflict-free.

At least for a while.

The Danger of Dating a Narcissist

I certainly hope your narcissistic ex didn’t leave you during a rough season of you life, such as a job loss, illness or family crisis. Because when they do, the realization hits even harder: they were never really there for you, only for what they got out of the relationship.

Staying with a narcissist who refuses to recognize or work on their issues can seriously damage your mental health. That’s why spotting the signs early is crucial.

Narcissists are like hidden potholes and stumbling into them might cause to break your leg…or neck.

The first time you deal with one, it’s almost impossible to see it coming.

But once you know what to look for, you’ll recognize the patterns instantly.

There are some common signs someone is a narcissist. If you notice those, don’t close your eyes and pretend they are not what your intuition is already telling you they are.

Ignoring the signs somebody is a narcissist is like jumping in the dark without a parachute and crossing your fingers for the best.

So, let’s break down the most common signs your ex was a narcissist.

1) They love-bombed you

Once a narcissist decide they like you, they will go after you.

But not like any other person.

They will reach out to you all the time. They will never miss to say “good morning”, “good night”, “thinking of you” and shower you endless compliments and grand promises.

Think of future plans after only weeks, even when you two don’t really know each other yet.

They’ll tell you things like:

“I have never felt that before.”

“You are perfect.”

“I love you!” (within weeks)

“We are so perfect together.”

“You are my soulmate.”

“You are out of this world, I can’t believe I love everything about you.”

“I’m not usually that……..(straightforward with women/ that affectionate/ emotional/ I’m very shy), but with you everything feels different.”

“You are a wife material.”

He will open the door for you, get your coat, carry your bag, cook for you, buy you gifts, talk about the future, mirror your likes, tastes and interests. All so you feel like you’ve found “The One.”

The effect of love-bombing is so big, that you may start falling for somebody you weren’t even romantically interested in the first place and who was clearly not your type.

The problem is, once the idealization phase ends, so do the gestures.

You’ll never see that version of them again.

Why do they love-bomb?

Because the love-bombing wasn’t for you! It was for them – a tactic to hook you.

Love-bombing ensures that when he stops doing nice things and show you who he really is, you would be attached enough to stay, regardless of how he treats you.

2) You Can’t Pinpoint Why They Chose You

Did your ex ever compliment you on anything specific?

Like being smart, beautiful, successful, witty, charming, great conversationalist, funny, interesting, etc.? Did they ever let you shine or admire you?

Usually, when asked “Why do you love me?”, narcs hesitate.

Internally they will be annoyed with this question. They don’t think of you as a separate person, but rather as an extension of themselves. They chose you. It is not because of your unique qualities.

Answering would mean they have to admit that:

they choose partners who are overly kind, forgiving, and have weak boundaries.

If your narc never complimented you, that doesn’t mean you lack qualities.

It means that they don’t find them as important as your willingness to put their needs above your own.

3) They badmouthed most, if not ALL of their exes

While anybody would mention their ex at some point, Narcs usually talk a LOT about their exes, even if nobody asked.

They will drag them to the mud with statements like: “She was crazy/ clingy/ bitchy/ ungrateful/ overreacting/ jealous/ argumentative/, etc.”

They will also say things like:

“I did everything for her and she was so ungrateful.”

“My worst relationship.”

“That girl had problems.”

“She traumatised me.”

But if you asked the narc why would he even stay with someone if the relationship was THAT bad, they’ll shrug it off with vague excuses like: “She manipulated me into staying with her.”

A narc would tell every girlfriend they are their best relationship within weeks of dating. At first, you might feel flattered that you’re “different.” But when they start devaluing you, those exact same insults will surface – aimed at you.

Narcs hold resentment for their exes, unless the relationship was so short lived, it ended because they lost interest too quickly.

4) They never really knew you

You might have dated for a year or even a couple of years, but you will be unpleasantly surprised that your ex never really knew you.

Because they never asked much about you.

Your childhood, your struggles, your passions, your friends – they weren’t interested.

You might have noticed how they got bored or zoned out every time the conversation became about someone else.

And post-breakup, they forget you quickly, because to them, people aren’t special, just interchangeable.

5) They Overreacted to (Perceived) Criticism

Did your ex overreact every time you questioned their choices, opinions or (God forbid), tell them they were wrong?

While nobody likes being criticised, narcs can hate you for something as small as questioning their choice of ketchup. They would feel scorned, hold grudges and secretly plot ways to punish you for “disrespecting” them like that.

They don’t compromise; in their mind, they’re always right.

If you have different opinions, there is no middle ground, it is on you to comply with them.

Disagree? You’ll face tantrums, silent treatment, or flat-out dismissal until you either give in or get discarded. Again – “if you are not on the same wavelength as me, we are not a good match”.

6) They Show Little Interest in Others

Narcissists are not naturally curious about other people.

This doesn’t just apply to you. They’re rarely curious about anyone, even their friends. They’ll “listen,” but their mind wanders. They don’t remember details, because deep down, they don’t care.

7) Their Main Conversation Topic Is “Me”

Narcissists love talking – about themselves.

Their day, their opinions, their stories. They always monopolise the conversation and rarely notice when others grow bored.

Did you always do the things your partner wanted?

From picking up what to eat, to choosing movies, travel destinations, birthday presents and basically everything.

They are so inflexible, that over time, you just give in (on everything).

8) They Ignored or Stonewalled You in Conflict

Narcissists don’t have the same understanding as non-narcissists on how a conflict should be handled.

They don’t want to listen to you, analyze the situation or work together.

A narcissist believes that every time there is a conflict, it was YOU who started it and for this, you should be punished.

They’ll give you the silent treatment, act “too busy,” or literally leave the room until you apologize, even when you were the one hurt.

This is deeply toxic. It kills communication and teaches you to surrender your needs just to keep the peace.

Once the narc realises you won’t confront them when they stonewall, they will use it every time to manipulate you into doing what they want.

9) They never apologized

A narcissist will never apologize for treating you poorly or making a mistake.

You can waste your life expressing your needs and hurt feelings in the most diplomatic way possible, you won’t make them “see” you.

Your words will fall on deaf ears, as a narcissist is never wrong.

At best, they’d adjust their behavior just enough to avoid looking bad, but without ever admitting fault.

After a breakup, closure never comes. They detach months before leaving, so by the time they walk away, you feel blindsided, like you never mattered.

10) They Always Blamed You

A narcissist will blame you every time there is a problem and even for their own unacceptable behaviour.

Their cheating, lying, or disrespect – all gets pinned on you.

In their mind you “deserve it”. They can never be wrong, so if there is someone wrong, that must be you.

“My ex kept talking about women he found “hot”. I politely asked him not to, because it made me uncomfortable.

He became very quiet. I thought the issue had been solved…

Months later, I found him texting a girl behind my back.
When I confronted him about it, he said it was my fault – because he wasn’t satisfied with someone who discouraged him from “opening up.”

Beverly, 31

11) They Gaslighted You

The reason breakups with narcissistic people are so traumatising is because there is no truth you both agree on.

A narcissist will twist everything you ever said, did, or they said or did, the chronological order of events, the context, or the meaning to fit their story, even when confronted with proof how actually things happened.

Narcissists are obsessed with control.

If they can make you doubt your memory and sanity, you’ll stop trusting yourself, and depend on their version of reality instead.

The psychological effects of not identifying gaslighting may be catastrophic, since you can believe you deserve the abusive behaviour.

This destroys self-esteem, and in severe cases, can lead to anxiety, substance abuse, or even suicidal thoughts.

What makes people stay in a relationship with a narcissist?

“If things were so bad”, you might well ask, “then why didn’t I leave sooner?”

Remember what I told you about the frog?

It is a human thing to get attached to your partner.

Especially if this person projected themselves as your perfect partner in the beginning. So you naturally thought: “If I just keep seeing their point of view/ apologize/ love them more/ try to make it work, maybe this person I fell in love with will be back?”

But this person won’t be back.

The love-bombing wasn’t real, it was bait.

The narcissist didn’t “change” because of you.

They may try to justify their cold behavior by pointing out your shortcomings and convincing you that you don’t “deserve” their special treatment. But please, don’t believe this.

Their coldness is the real them, not what they were trying to project in the beginning.

And it isn’t your fault. The fact that you kept giving, compromising, and loving only proves one thing: you were a good partner.

Can Narcissists Change?

In short: no.

Not unless they truly see themselves as the problem – and most never do. That’s the core issue of the disorder.

No matter how many times a relationship goes wrong in the exact same way, a narcissist will never admit they played a part in it.

They repeat the same patterns over and over, using people for validation, resources, or status, then leaving when things get hard.

A relationship with a narcissist will ALWAYS end.

From the very first day, it was already headed downhill, because it could never be any other way.

The only question is: how much hurt will you tolerate before you walk away?

Did this help you make sense of your breakup with a narcissist?

Share your story in the comments below.

If you want to heal faster – whether your ex was a narcissist or not – check out my complete guide: How to get over your ex in 30 days.

More articles on narcissism:

How to heal after narcissistic abuse

Signs you may be manipulative and not know it

16 manipulation tactics narcissists use on you

TheThinkAbout is a website based on psychology in practice and experience.

Like the articles? Subscribe to never miss anything. 

Your contribution matters! If you find this website helpful, please support our work. Thank you for visiting!