A Classic Story About Love Obsession

There’s a novella that perfectly illustrates how a simple attraction can spiral into a full-blown crush.

It’s called “Un amour de Swann” by Marcel Proust.

The story follows Charles Swann, a sophisticated and wealthy man moving in high society, and his passionate, ultimately destructive, love affair with Odette de Crécy, a courtesan.

At first, Swann isn’t even attracted to Odette, despite her clear interest in him. She isn’t really his “type.”

But then something changes. One evening, Odette plays a piece of music on the piano, a phrase from Vinteuil’s sonata.

The melody strikes Swann deeply. From that moment, the music becomes inseparably linked to Odette in his mind.

Soon, every time he hears that phrase, it triggers an intense reaction in him. He even looks at a portrait of Odette while hearing the music, and little by little, he reprograms his own mind – what once seemed unappealing about her now appears beautiful and enchanting.

The melody becomes a symbol of Odette herself, haunting Swann even when she isn’t there. His thoughts circle endlessly around her, carried by the music and the emotions it evokes.

As Swann spends more time in Odette’s company, his feelings deepen. Her charm, mystery, and unattainability make her all the more desirable. The harder she is to win, the more obsessed he becomes.

What started as a mild attraction grows into a consuming passion.

And…[spoiler alert]…the story doesn’t end well for Swann, as in the end he sighs with bitterness: “How could I end up so obsessed with someone who wasn’t even my type!”

Why Romantic Obsession Gets Mistaken for “Love”

At its core, a crush is simply unrequited love.

While real love is built on mutual feelings and reciprocity, one-sided love happens when one person has strong feelings for another who either doesn’t know about them or doesn’t share them.

And yet, many people confuse unrequited love with something deeper, even romanticising it as a purer, more noble form of love.

Why does this happen?

• The power of Art and Music: TV, music and romantic literature can subconsciously program your brain to believe that unrequited love is a noble and lasting form of love.
• The “Chase”: Some people get excited just by the thrill of the chase. They hope that one day their feelings will be reciprocated and become addicted to the pursuit.
• The “Martyr complex”: Some people find meaning in selflessly loving someone who doesn’t love them back. This makes them feel morally superior or heroic for suffering for love.
• Fear of Rejection: For some people, the fear of rejection might prevent them from pursuing an actual relationship. By admiring someone from afar, they avoid potential heartbreak.
• Addiction to Emotional Extremes: Some people get bored by the stability and routine of a mutual relationship. Unrequited love, by contrast, offers extremes: longing, passion, drama. Those highs and lows can become addictive.
• Fantasy and Idealisation: When love is unrequited, a person has the freedom to imagine the other as perfect. They can project their own fantasies onto them without the limitations of a real relationship.

How to Avoid Developing Crushes in the First Place

Having a crush sends you on a wild roller coaster of emotions, swinging between excitement and desperation.

If you don’t want to feel like someone with little control over their emotions, you need to learn how to manage infatuation before it gets out of hand.

But first…the mechanism of a crush

You meet someone.

You may or may not be attracted to them at first. But at some point, something happens that sparks your interest.

Maybe they said something funny or clever, maybe their favorite movie is the same as yours, or maybe it was just the way their hair looked perfect that day.

You go home and think about them for a while.

You start noticing how excited you feel at the thought of them, and your curiosity grows. Soon, you find yourself admiring them in secret.

If, for whatever reason, you don’t start dating soon after realizing your feelings, you’re likely to develop a crush.

A major factor that intensifies desire is an obstacle preventing you from being together, such as:

• living far apart,
• one of you already being taken,
• an age gap,
• or even a gender barrier.

I once knew a girl who was in love with her gay friend for years because she kept hoping he might develop feelings for her.

You start listening to romantic songs, getting butterflies in your stomach as you associate the lyrics with them.

The psychology of love songs

You could call it the “the Swann effect”.

When you listen to a melody you enjoy, it triggers dopamine release, creating feelings of excitement. If you play those songs long enough, while thinking about someone you like, your brain begins to connect the dopamine rush from music with that person.

Through constant repetition, you subconsciously program yourself to like them even more!

So, even if your initial feelings weren’t that strong, you may end up falling harder than you expected, without fully understanding why!

A crush is fueled by unpredictability.

The object of your desire may sometimes act interested, then turn cold the next day. This inconsistency can transform a crush into an obsession. If you develop a full-blown crush, it’s unlikely you’ll just “switch it off.” That’s why avoiding it from the start is the best strategy.

How to Stop Yourself From Developing a Crush Early On

This is how your brain works: the more you think about a certain person, the more you intensify your feelings for them, whether positive or negative.

When you start liking someone but aren’t in a relationship yet, here’s what to do:

• Ignore their socials – Don’t snoop on their social media in advance before you actually know each other. Investigating their life, for example, looking at photos with their ex, will only make you overanalyze everything about them and allow them to occupy your thoughts.
• No pictures – Resist the temptation to stare admiringly at their photos.
• No talking about them – Avoid making them the center of every conversation with your friends.
• No romantic songs – Don’t listen to romantic songs and daydream about them.
• Remember they’re flawed – Think of a couple of things you don’t like about them to restore balance and keep your head out of the clouds.
• Don’t romanticize – Tell yourself you “like” this person instead of “love” them.
• Channel your energy elsewhere – Instead of daydreaming, go outside, try new activities, and stay present in the moment.
• Seek real contact – Strike up a conversation and create opportunities to hang out together. Ask them on a date and be clear about your intentions. Asking someone out isn’t a big deal. If you struggle with confidence, see this article: How to have a rock solid self – confidence.
  

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See also:

How to stop idolizing people

How to live an interesting and exciting life

How to program your mind on a subconscious level

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