Ah, the most dreaded question after a breakup
It’s one I hear all the time from dumped ones:
- “How long should I stay in No Contact before reaching out?”
- “Is 30 days enough, or should I wait 60 or 90?”
- “What if my ex starts dating someone new?”
- “What if I miss my chance to win them back?”
- “What if they forget me completely?”
Most people fear No Contact because they doubt it will work.
They’ve become emotionally dependent on their ex for happiness and crave that connection so badly that they’ll do almost anything to get it back. This includes calling, texting, pleading, crying, trying to reason with the dumper, asking them to meet, even sleeping together again.
When you’ve lost a major source of happiness, comfort and validation, your anxious brain goes into overdrive, pushing you to do whatever it takes to relieve the pain immediately.
Even if it makes things worse.
That’s why the idea of No Contact often feels not just counterintuitive, but downright absurd.
Why would you cut off the person you still want to be with?
What if they move on?
What if they forget you?
What if you lose your only shot at love?
Then dumped ones stumble across popular breakup advice about the “30-Day No Contact Rule.”
According to that formula, they disappear for a month, then reach out to their ex. And their ex, (who by then would have realized the dumped one is their true love), would reconsider, take them back with open arms, and they’d live happily ever after.
I’m here to tell you, NO, it doesn’t work that way.
You can vanish for 30, 60, or even 90 days, and sure, your ex might agree to meet again. They might even try to rekindle things.
But that isn’t the right foundation of a healthy relationship. If you choose this strategy after being dumped, you’re only setting yourself up for more heartbreak and disappointment in the future.
You might want to do something else, instead.
Why You Shouldn’t Reach Out To Your Dumper Ex After 30 Days of No Contact
Here’s the thing:
Your ex already left you.
They already decided they could live without you, take their chances elsewhere, and risk never having you in their life again. They did that for a reason – maybe they lost feelings, grew bored, found someone new, or even cheated.
Whatever the cause, the fact remains: they can’t be the “love of your life”, (if you believe in such concepts). If someone is truly your “One,” they wouldn’t have left, because if you’re really soulmates, you would be the love of each other’s lives.
Hence, you should respect their decision and leave them alone, without contacting them anymore as long as they stick to their decision to end the relationship.
But here’s when many dumped ones, in the midst of sadness and heartbreak, ask themselves:
“But will my ex forget me during No Contact?”
First Of All…How Long Should No Contact Really Last
No Contact should last as long as it needs to, and you shouldn’t interrupt the process.
It should continue for as long as your ex, the dumper, does not express a genuine desire to reconcile. Whenever doubt creeps in, remind yourself:
“The one who left should be the one to come back.”
It’s not your job to chase your ex or convince them to return. That decision has to be theirs. You can’t, (and shouldn’t), try to make anyone do something they don’t freely choose. People have the right to decide what they want and what’s best for them.
Think about it from the other side: if you were the one who ended a relationship, would you want your ex constantly calling, texting, or pressuring you to get back together? Probably not. You’d feel offended if they wouldn’t leave you alone.
You’d want your space respected – and so does your ex.
That’s why, after a breakup, it’s best to commit to indefinite No Contact.
That doesn’t just mean avoiding direct communication like calls or texts – it also means not engaging indirectly by checking their social media, asking friends about them, or keeping tabs on what they’re doing.
No Contact is about detaching from your ex, not waiting for them to reach out.
“But if I leave them alone, they’ll forget me and move on…”
I get it that you’re scared.
After a breakup, it’s natural to worry that if you stop reaching out, your ex will move on and you’ll lose them forever.
But let’s get one thing straight: your ex already chose to move on before No Contact even began. They chose to move on, and no amount of persuasion, reasoning, or emotional appeals can change how someone feels once they’ve decided to leave. It is their job and their responsibility to come back, (not yours), when they decide they want to.
That’s why you need to let your ex move on – peacefully.
If you’re truly meant to be together again someday, their moving on doesn’t close that door forever. Life has a way of looping back when the timing and growth align.
Your ex might stay single, date casually, sleep around, have rebounds, struggle with relationships, fall in love, get married, get divorced – basically every possible scenario.
And still, reconciliation could happen if all these conditions are met:
- your ex let go of their negative feelings toward you
- your ex learned some lessons that made them realise your value in their life
- your ex realised they wanted no one else but you
- your ex took responsibility for the failed relationship and committed to working hard on rebuilding it
- you still have feelings for them by the time all of the above are true
Then and only then can a second chance actually work.
And right now, given that they ended the relationship and don’t want to be with you, there’s only one healthy choice – stay in No Contact. Don’t break it out of fear that they’ll forget you.
Here are some situations where you might be unsure about whether or not you should reach out to your ex:
- When it’s their birthday
- When it’s your anniversary
- When you miss them
- When you dream about them
- When you can’t stop thinking about them
- When you feel lonely
- When you achieve a life goal and want to share it with them
- When your dates don’t work out
But should you reach out if they haven’t?
No, you shouldn’t.
Instead, focus on only two things until, (and unless), your ex decides to come back:
- Sticking to No Contact
- Self-improvement
Will Your Ex Forget About You During No Contact?
Unless your ex develops amnesia, no, they won’t forget about you.
What can happen over time, though, is that they start forgetting the bad feelings that led to the breakup, because that’s how No contact works.
As emotions settle, people tend to let go of resentment and remember the good experiences instead. Psychologists call this euphoric recall, the tendency to remember the past through rose-tinted glasses. That’s why some exes reach out out of the blue months or even years after a breakup.
A random song, a place, or a person triggers nostalgia, and they feel drawn back to the fond memories of a past relationship.
It’s hard to tell how long will it take for your ex to break No contact.
How long it takes for your ex to reach a state of mind where they’re no longer angry, annoyed, or frustrated with you, or when they stop harboring negative feelings and become romantically interested again, depends on the dumper.
Some need months, others need years. And a small percentage never reach out at all.
But that’s not because “No Contact didn’t work.”
It’s because they simply never regained those feelings – and that outcome would’ve been the same even if you’d stayed in touch. Think about it: if your ex didn’t appreciate you when they had you, why would they suddenly start valuing you more while you’re still chasing them? People often realise what they’ve lost only when it’s truly gone.
So, no – you shouldn’t fear your ex will forget you during No Contact.
And no, fear shouldn’t drive you to break it.
Why the Dumped One Has to Go Through All 5 Stages of a Breakup
Ok, the breakup has already happened, that’s the hardest part.
But what keeps most people stuck isn’t the loss itself, it’s the refusal to accept it. Acceptance doesn’t mean you stop loving your ex or pretend you’re fine.
It means you acknowledge that the breakup happened and start living your life as if it’s permanent, at least for now. Dumped ones often don’t realize that a breakup is a breakup – not a “break” – so they keep waiting for their ex to come back. That state of waiting and putting your life on pause is a sign that you may not yet be in “acceptance” mode.
Again, acceptance doesn’t mean that you force yourself to be over your ex, or date others when you’re not ready.
True acceptance means taking active steps to rebuild:
- improving your health,
- nurturing friendships,
- pursuing your hobbies,
- strengthening your finances,
- working on your character flaws,
- and remembering who you were outside the relationship.
It’s okay to miss your ex while doing this – what matters is that you keep moving, even if you have doubts about No Contact or fear that your ex might forget about you.
They won’t.
But if they ever come back, they’ll:
- Do it because they want to – not out of guilt or pressure
- Find a stronger, wiser, 2.0 version of you.
And in the meantime, you might benefit from learning how to find the positives in your breakup situation. Check out this article on how to never regret a breakup or feel sorry for yourself.
Got questions? Reach out through the contact form and share your breakup story.
If you need more detailed guidance on how to cope after being broken up with, check out the complete How to Get Over Anyone in 30 Days book. It’s helped many people gain perspective and rebuild the right mindset after being left. Maybe that’s exactly what you need right now.
And here, you can explore more articles on breakups and relationships:
Why you can’t stay friends with your ex after a breakup
What does it mean when your ex breadcrumbs you
How to get another chance with your ex
What to do if your ex blocks you everywhere
TheThinkAbout is a website based on psychology in practice and experience.
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