“Ah, my ex and me broke up on good terms. In fact we stayed friends after the breakup.”

Honestly – who hasn’t tried that?

Whether you’re the dumper or the dumped one, completely cutting contact with your ex is hard.

You’ve shared your most intimate moments with this person, so it’s only natural you aren’t completely ready to let them go.

You can’t just flip a switch in your head and feel nothing overnight. Of course, human brain doesn’t work like that.

If you’re the dumped one, staying friends feels safer than letting go. You hope it might somehow lead to getting back together.

If you’re the dumper, even if you want to explore other dating possibilities, cutting contact can still feel uncomfortable. You might not want to be with your ex anymore, but the habit and comfort keep you tied and not speaking to them again can feel strange, even painful.

That’s why so many people try to stay friends after a breakup.

• The dumped one usually does it because they’re not ready to let go. They think being friends gives them a chance at reconciliation.
• The dumper often wants to ease their guilt of hurting and abandoning their ex. They want the best of both worlds – the comfort and familiarity of having their ex around while staying free to explore other dating options.

Whatever the reason, truth is, staying friends after a breakup almost never works.

Sure, it might in rare cases, when both people have truly lost romantic feelings, but still respect each other enough to stay friends. But if you really think about it… how often does that really happen?

Can Staying Friends With Your Ex After a Breakup Lead to Reconciliation?

I’ll be honest with you – on some occasions, yes.

In some cases, staying friends gives you a second chance to show growth and maturity, especially if you were the one who messed things up.

It lets your ex see the version of you that’s learning, healing, and doing better. Then it’s up to them to decide if they still want to be part of your life. (In this article, I talked about how you can win your ex back if you messed up).

If your goal is real self-improvement, not just getting your ex back, staying in light contact can help you see if the relationship was ever meant to last.

Some couples do find their way back to each other months or even years later.

They do so, after dealing with life problems, bettering themselves and learning from their relationship mistakes. Life happens, people change, and when both sides evolve, their “second-time relationship” can be even better.

The Effect of Staying Friends Right After a Breakup

If you and your ex just recently broke up, just think about that for a second, can that kind of “friendship” ever really be genuine?

I know that right now, as the dumped one, you might feel like you’d do anything just to have your ex back in your life. The idea of moving on without them might feel unbearable.

So you tell yourself it’s better to have them as a friend than not at all.

And maybe you would be a great friend. You’d care about their wellbeing, you’d be interested in their life, ask about their day, show up when they need you, regularly spend time together, maybe even do small favors.

All the while, loving them from a quiet distance.

And hoping that one day you would be a real couple agan.

But while you’re keeping close this “friendship”, you won’t be really open to giving anyone else a real chance.

You’re technically single, yet emotionally taken.

Months, or even years, can slip by like that where you rob yourself out of the opportunity to experience romantic love again and to be in a real relationship again. You put your life on hold, waiting for something that may never happen.

So, is it really worth it?

The Dumped One’s Motives Behind Staying Friends With Their Ex

I want you to ask yourself right now, why are you clinging so hard to this person?

Do you really believe they can’t be replaced? (You might want to check out the article on why The One is just a myth.)

Maybe you’ve convinced yourself they’re your soulmate, the only person meant for you. But if that were true, why aren’t you still together?

Maybe you tell yourself it’s your mission to fight for them, to prove your love, to fix what broke, because they are your perfect partner.

But that’s not true. You can only do your part. You can express your wish to be with your ex, to make things work, and focus on your own self-development.

They have to meet you halfway.

If they don’t, then they’re simply not your person.

And the relationship, no matter how much you want it to, doesn’t have a future.

The Dumper’s Motives Behind Staying Friends With Their Ex

Dumpers, on the other hand, very often use phrases like:

• “I don’t know what I want right now”,
• “Let’s take a break and see how we feel”,
• “Maybe we’ll get back together in the future – after a month, six months, or even a year”,
• “I need to work on myself”,
• “I can’t be in a relationship right now, but I don’t want to lose you”, etc.

Basically, they’re saying they aren’t ready to carry the responsibilities of a relationship anymore.

Such responsibilities like: staying loyal, committed, giving their time, energy, and effort, and meeting their ex’s expectations.

Dumpers want the freedom to live life on their terms – dating who they want, spending their time how they please, without owing anything to the dumped one. And that’s completely fair after a breakup, that’s the whole point of it.

But as humans, we don’t like uncertainty, and dumpers are no exception.

There’s no guarantee they’ll meet someone who’s better than their ex. Sometimes, they even meet someone worse and get hurt in ways they didn’t expect.

If the dumped one was kind and decent but “the spark was gone,” dumpers often avoid fully cutting contact. Friendships after a breakup can give them many things – support, validation, ego boosts, and, most importantly, a fallback plan if their dating life doesn’t go as planned.

Here’s the crux: the expectations of a dumper and a dumped one in a post-breakup “friendship” almost never match.

• Dumped ones stay friends hoping to get back together.
• Dumpers stay friends while pursuing new relationships, expecting better feelings, excitement, or connection elsewhere.

And the result?

Heartbreak and disappointment for both sides.

The dumped one eventually sees that their ex isn’t interested in anything romantic anymore. Hope keeps them stuck, and prolongs their recovery. And when they find out their ex is seeing someone else, it can feel like “they’ve been cheated on”, even though they aren’t together.

Pain and confusion may lead them to act erratically, guilt-tripping their ex for not loving them back and “stringing them along”.

The dumper, meanwhile, gets frustrated by the “constant drama” of their ex’s lingering feelings. They feel manipulated, thinking the ex is pretending to be “friends” while secretly trying to get back in their pants.

Basically, staying friends after a breakup is almost always a lose-lose situation.

How to Handle a Breakup the Right Way

No contact after a breakup is the only truly healthy way to move forward, even though it goes against what your heart and mind are screaming at the moment.

After a failed relationship, both partners need time apart.

This space allows you to gain perspective, reflect on the relationship mistakes, and work on self-improvement. You can’t see the bigger picture while you are still in contact. Being in touch eases your anxiety, and without that discomfort, there’s little motivation to change.

Changing old patterns is hard enough.
Trying to do it without motivation is almost impossible.

No contact helps both the dumper and the dumped heal their wounds.

Even if you, as the dumped one, hope to get back with your ex, it won’t work if you’re still hurting, miserable, and haven’t changed the things that contributed to the breakup.

I know No contact is tough.

It might be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done. You may feel like your ex will completely forget about you during no contact, and that you will ruin your chances for reconciliation.

But sometimes, doing what’s hard is exactly what’s best for you. Sticking with it makes you stronger. It’s an investment in your future happiness and personal growth, and if there was ever a possibility of a real second chance with your ex, No contact will provide it.

No contact gives both of you the chance to learn from mistakes and do better next time. It’s the only way to make sure a second chance has a real shot at working.

If you need more detailed advice, on how to heal faster from a heartbreak, you can check out the full guide How to Get Over Anyone in 30 Days.

Need more quick reads on No contact?

Does the No contact rule really work

What does in mean if your ex breadcrumbs you in No contact

How to treat a toxic ex

Can’t stop thinking of your ex? Read this article

What happens two months after No contact

How to go from anxious to secure in a relationship

TheThinkAbout is a website based on psychology in practice and experience.

Like the articles? Subscribe to never miss anything. 

Your contribution matters! If you find this website helpful, please support our work. Thank you for visiting!