Why you should follow the rules of No contact after a breakup

If you’ve been through a tough breakup, you’ve probably realized by now that no matter what you do, you can’t start recovering until you cut all contact with your ex.

If you’ve been suffering for months already, or even a year or more, and you still haven’t forgotten your ex, know that you’re not alone.

99% of dumped ones make common breakup mistakes, such as:

• checking their ex’s social media,
• calling them,
• begging them to reconsider,
• asking them to talk,
• to meet,
• to fix things,
• asking mutual friends about them,
• daydreaming about getting back together,
• and completely neglecting their own life.

Dumped ones often feel so devastated that the person they thought they’d spend their life with left, that they put their own life on pause.

Most often, they feel so hurt they can’t think about anything else but the breakup, and for a while, they become obsessed with their ex and their ex’s post-breakup life.

They simply can’t stop themselves from checking what their ex is doing and sometimes become so desperate for any contact — anything at all — that they agree to stay friends with their ex.

But honestly, that never works when someone still has romantic feelings after a breakup.

Eventually, dumped ones realize that staying in contact with the dumper doesn’t bring the relationship back to what it was, and that being reminded of their ex only hurts and harms them.

So they read about the No Contact Rule and decide to apply it.

Some resort to No Contact hoping to get their ex back. Others use it as a way to move on.

The question is: does the No Contact Rule work, or is it just a common scam?

I’d like to say “it works,” but the honest answer is, it depends.

It truly depends on what you intend to use it for.

If you believe you were largely responsible for the breakup, because you hurt your ex, ignored them, took them for granted, or even betrayed them, then you might want to check out this article: (See How to Convince Your Ex to Give You Another Chance.)

But if your ex simply fell out of love and decided they no longer wanted to continue the relationship, then going No Contact is the only decent option you have.

Not with the intention of making your ex miss you or want you back (and let’s be real, who hasn’t secretly dreamed of that after a breakup), but to detach and heal.

So my answer is this: if you use No Contact for the right reasons, it absolutely works – 100%.

It helps you gain perspective on the breakup, evaluate how you really feel about your ex when your judgment isn’t clouded by their constant presence, and reflect on whether your ex hurt you and if you’d truly want to be with someone who chose to let you go.

No Contact helps you emotionally detach from the dumper, calm your nervous system, start working on your life and self-improvement, learn from your relationship mistakes, and slowly take interest in other people again.

So, let’s look at how No Contact affects both the dumper and the dumped one – from the beginning of the breakup to two months after (which I’m guessing is where you’re at right now, since you’re reading this article).

What happens right after No contact starts

Whether you’ve gone No Contact with your ex right after the breakup or months later, the process is very similar.

Your ex, the dumper, won’t feel its effects right away.

Dumpers, as a rule, don’t regret the breakup as much as dumped ones (unless they had no choice but to end the relationship while still wanting to stay).

They usually don’t have such strong feelings or regrets – that’s why they ended things in the first place.

If you, as the dumped one, made some of the usual breakup mistakes to stay in touch with your ex, even if it was minimal contact, like exchanging the occasional message, they probably just felt more secure in their decision.

On one hand, they got to keep their freedom; on the other, they didn’t really lose you. They never got the chance to feel genuine regret because you were still there.

Even if the dumper had a few doubts, the fact that they could still hear from you, knew what you were doing, and, most of all, knew you still loved and waited for them, made them comfortable enough to explore their freedom and maybe other dating options.

Many dumpers go through the “Grass Is Greener” syndrome.

That’s why, right after a breakup, some jump straight onto dating apps, go out with new people, or even start sleeping with someone else.

Maybe they end up disappointed. Maybe their rebound fails quickly. But the key thing is – they’re not worried.

They feel that even if things go wrong, they can always fall back on their ex, the dumpee.

So, in the beginning, when the dumped one goes No Contact, the dumper might not even realize it’s happening.

They can feel so sure you’ll reach out eventually that they actually feel relieved not to be bothered by your messages or hopes of getting back together. Right after No Contact starts, the dumper often feels a surprising sense of relief.

They’re happy to explore what’s out there.

Even if they weren’t actively looking to date before, they might start once the dumpee disappears. (By the way, this isn’t your sign to cling to your dumper ex to prevent them from seeing someone else).

They might travel, see friends, have fun, and live their life without giving much thought to their ex. Sometimes weeks pass before they even notice their ex hasn’t reached out.

Why the 30-day No Contact Rule doesn’t work

Not only is 30 days not enough for a dumper to want to get back together- it’s barely enough time for them to realize you’re gone!

And if they start dating someone new during No Contact, remember: even if it’s just a rebound, for the first two to three weeks, they’ll still be caught up in that new excitement.

Of course, there are exceptions.

But generally, dumpers rarely feel genuine regret in the first month after No Contact begins.

Then what happens after two months of No contact?

Two whole months of No Contact is a solid amount of time for the dumped one to start feeling a little better about themselves and to stop feeling miserable 100% of the time.

Of course, it’s not enough to completely detach emotionally from the dumper, but it’s enough to start seeing the breakup more clearly.

Provided that the dumped one:

• hasn’t called or texted their ex;
• hasn’t checked their ex’s social media, not even once;
• hasn’t looked at their ex’s friends’ profiles just to get a clue what their ex might be doing;
• hasn’t talked to or asked mutual friends about them;
• and basically has no idea if their ex is dead or alive—

then they’ve implemented No Contact properly. They should congratulate themselves for being strong.

Of course, don’t beat yourself up if you’ve slipped during No Contact and checked your ex’s Facebook profile. That’s completely normal and human, you’re still attached to the person you loved. And feelings don’t just disappear because you flipped a mental switch.

But it’s important to understand that even checking once resets your healing.

It reopens a wound that hasn’t healed, and every time you do that, you’re back at square one.

That’s why No Contact works best when you’re completely in the dark about your ex.

Of course, the dumped one will likely still have more bad days than good, constantly thinking about the breakup, but the emotional shift is that, over time, the good days start to outnumber the bad.

Here’s what happens with the dumped one after two months:

• They start getting reinterested in their own life.
• They feel much calmer than when they were constantly checking on their ex.
• They begin focusing on things that actually matter, like gym, hobbies, work, eating well, and so on.
• They may even have days when they start to accept that their ex won’t be coming back (though they’re not fully there yet).

And what about the dumper after two months?

• The dumper often still feels relieved after the breakup and indifferent to the fact their ex isn’t around.
• They’re likely either dating or trying to date.
• If they’ve met someone new, it’s usually early days – they’re in the “getting to know each other” phase. In that case, the dumper rarely has romantic thoughts about their ex.
• If they jumped straight into a new relationship right after the breakup, they’re probably still in the infatuation stage, where everything feels perfect and conflict-free, full of new-relationship excitement. Again, they’re rarely thinking about their ex.
• If they haven’t met anyone yet, they might start to feel a little disappointed. Still, since they’re used to their ex eventually reappearing, they brush it off. They assume that if dating doesn’t work out, they can always go back to their ex.
• Around this time, the dumper starts to realize they actually haven’t heard a word from their ex. If you’ve followed No Contact properly, it may even seem like you’ve completely vanished. That’s when curiosity can kick in – they might send a breadcrumb message or ask mutual friends about you. (See What does it mean when your ex’s friends contact you after a breakup).

What does all of this mean?

Well, first of all, if you’ve managed to complete two full months of No Contact, you should be genuinely proud of yourself.

You’re on the right track.

You may not see it yet as your wound is still fresh, and you still miss your ex, but every day you stay away and keep living your own life, you’re doing the right thing.

You’re healing, one day at a time, even if you don’t feel or realize it yet.

When you start wondering whether your ex misses you or thinks about you, remember: this is the same person who chose to leave and continues not to reach out, day after day.

What they’re doing with their life should be irrelevant. The only thing that matters is:

The one who left, should be the one to come back and ask for another chance.

Whether or not your ex ever realizes that—and whether they’ll want to come back—we can’t know. It might happen, or it might not.

It might even happen years from now, when you’ve moved on, met someone new, and no longer want them back. So ask yourself: is it really worth waiting around for something that uncertain?

My best advice for you is: stick with No Contact.

Focus on the things that bring value to your life. Learn from the relationship and your mistakes so you don’t repeat them in your next relationship. Let life happen.

And if, one day, your ex decides to come back, well, as Scarlett O’Hara said, you’ll think about that tomorrow.

If it’s been a while and you still can’t get over your ex no matter what you try, you may want to check out the complete guide on How to Get Over Anyone in 30 Days. It’s easy to read and might be exactly the guidance and support you need right now.

You can also reach out for personal advice based on your own breakup situation.

Need to read more?

What to do if your ex blocks you everywhere

How to not let a breakup destroy you

How to not regret breaking up with someone

Learn how to be less invested in a relationship

How to get over a crush fast

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