How often has this happened to you?

Years ago, my friend Clarissa had a rough breakup.

She’d dated Phil for a couple of months, and out of nowhere, he dumped her with barely an explanation.

They stayed connected on social media, though. He kept liking her posts, watching her stories, and popping up just enough to stay in her head.

Clarissa felt like something was unfinished – that maybe he still cared but got scared and ran. He’d been so into her at first, she was sure the feelings hadn’t vanished completely.

She’d met some of his friends before. They all seemed to like her and were genuinely happy Phil had found someone. Then one day, after a couple of months of silence, something strange happened.

She got a message from one of his friends.

“Hey, how are you?”

Her heart jumped.

Why was Phil’s friend texting? Her stomach dropped for a second as her mind went straight to, Is Phil checking up on me?

She stayed friendly, chatted a bit, and went on with her day. But then it happened again. The friend messaged here and there, small talk, nothing deep. A week or two later, another one of Phil’s friends reached out – same story. Then a friend request from his brother.

Clarissa was confused. She asked me, Why are his friends suddenly so interested in me?
Did he talk about me? Is he using them to see if I’m still into him?

It made sense, maybe this was his way of testing the waters without actually showing up.

But Clarissa didn’t feel right asking directly. So she just kept being polite, waiting for it to make sense. The conversations fizzled out, and she never got any answers.

It took her another month or two to fully move on. And then, six months after the breakup, her phone lit up.

It was Phil.
He wanted to try again.

You’ll learn what his friends reaching out really meant at the end of this article.

First of all… let’s look at why your ex’s friends might start contacting you

If your ex’s friends start reaching out for no obvious reason (not to ask something specific or practical), there are a few possibilities.

Sometimes, it’s genuine. They might just like you as a person and want to check how you’re doing. Maybe they don’t want to take sides or lose touch because of the breakup. You’ll usually spot this quickly – they’ll say it outright, or you’ll sense there’s no hidden motive. If they’re a couple or close with your ex, it’s even less likely there’s anything sketchy going on.

Then there’s simple curiosity. People love a bit of gossip, even when they don’t mean harm. They might just want to know what you’ve been up to or how you’re handling things.

If you start getting random friend requests or follows from your ex’s guy friends, and you happen to be single, sometimes it’s nothing deeper than social media algorithms doing their thing, friends of friends showing up, and one of them decides to shoot their shot.

And then there’s the one you might secretly suspect (and maybe want to believe): your ex put them up to it.

They might be testing the waters – seeing if you’re dating, if you’d still talk, or if you seem open to reconnecting. It’s a way of checking without risking rejection themselves. Sometimes it’s even about control, they want to know if you’re still “reachable,” still watching their orbit.

Whatever their reason, don’t read too much into it.

A text from your ex’s friend isn’t an open invitation to reopen the past. Even if your ex asked them to reach out, it doesn’t mean they’re ready, or that you should jump back into the conversation.

Before doing anything, it helps to understand what’s happening emotionally on both sides after a breakup – for the dumper, and the dumped one.

What happens after a breakup

If your partner left you, the hard truth is they’d likely been thinking about it for a while.

Maybe weeks, maybe months. Even if things seemed okay, that decision was probably building quietly in the background.

Sometimes, you see it coming – you drift apart, you stop having fun, maybe even start sleeping in separate rooms.

But other times, it’s less obvious.

They might’ve said they loved you, called you their best partner, or talked about moving in together. Then, suddenly, they’re gone. That sudden shift can leave you wondering if they were hit with a brick overnight, but in reality, they’d already been struggling with the decision long before you knew it.

They just haven’t told you.

Given this, when a breakup happens, both sides go through stages, but they’re very different depending on their roles.

If you were the one left (a.k.a. the dumped), you mostly likely go through:

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

And if you were the one who left (a.k.a. the dumper):

Here’s what happens pre-breakup:

Buildup of anger and frustration
Internal debate over whether to end it
Mental preparation for the breakup

And here’s what happens post-breakup:

Relief
Anger
Curiosity
Nostalgia
Grief or acceptance
Eventually, neutrality

That’s probably not what you want to hear, but right after a breakup, the dumper usually feels relieved – they feel good about their decision and free to live, explore, and do their own thing.

That phase usually lasts around three months. During that time, it’s unlikely for them to genuinely miss their ex or, let alone want to reconcile. Even if doubts pop up, they usually brush them aside and happily go back to their post-breakup life.

But after a few months, especially if the dumped one has gone No contact, curiosity kicks in. The dumper starts to wonder: Did they move on? Did they change and self-improve? Are they happier now? Did they start dating?

Sometimes that curiosity leads to the dumper unblocking their ex (if they had them blocked), silently start checking their stories on social media, or send a casual message, “Hey, how are you?”

And naturally, the dumped one often gets their hopes up.

They think maybe their ex had an epiphany – that they’ve finally had a change of heart and are ready to make things right.

But soon, they realise that isn’t happening.

When the dumper realizes their ex is still there, still waiting, still hurting, still hoping, it reassures them they didn’t make a mistake. They feel relief they aren’t missing on anything, maybe some guilt, but not necessarily love.

They sometimes tell the dumped one they’re unsure if they want to try again, or they simply disappear – leaving the dumped one hurt all over.

That’s why reaching out during the curiosity phase almost never leads to a healthy reconnection.

And here’s where it ties back to your ex’s friends.

Some dumpers don’t want to reach out directly.

Maybe they feel ashamed of some things they did to hurt their ex, too scared of rejection, or just too proud to make the first move. So instead, they send in their friends, to do the dirty work and “test the waters.”

That’s why you might suddenly get friend requests, likes, or random messages from their circle. Some might even drop little comments like, “You know, he/she really is such a good guy/girl,” or “Did you two really break up?” It’s subtle, but the goal is the same: to make you think about your ex and maybe reach out first.

But here’s the thing – whether you still want your ex back or you’re trying to move on, reacting to those little provocations rarely helps you.

Getting your hopes up because their friend messaged you is not a good idea. And discussing the relationship or the breakup is even a worse idea.

Here’s why:

What happens if you engage with your ex’s friends

If a friend of your ex reaches out, (and it’s someone you actually know), don’t ignore them.

Be polite, and try to read the situation.

Sometimes, people genuinely regret their friends break up and miss the company of the ex. They might have liked hanging out with you and just want to check how you’re doing and stay in touch. If that’s the case, there’s nothing wrong with keeping things friendly.

But if their message starts drifting into personal territory, like asking if you’re dating someone, trying to flirt, or steering the chat toward something more intimate, my advice is to cut it short.

Still, ghosting people is rarely a good idea, just keep it respectful and politely end the conversation. Dating your ex’s friends almost never ends well, even if the chemistry’s there. It may get too complicated in the future.

Now, if you get a friend request from someone in your ex’s circle you never spoke to, or maybe met once but weren’t connected with during the relationship, it’s best not to accept it.

Don’t overthink it, don’t post cryptic stories, don’t text to ask why they added you. Simply do nothing. See if they text you, then decide what you want to respond.

Truth is, when you start engaging with your ex’s friends about the breakup, or even just bring your ex into the conversation, you’re doing yourself a bad favour.

If your ex really did send them to test the waters, responding only rewards your ex’s low effort and confirms you’re still interested. That tells your ex they don’t need to put in the real work, you’re still emotionally available.

Your ex won’t get anxious enough from not knowing what you’re up to to reach out themselves.

And to be honest with you, the only kind of contact you need with your ex after a breakup is the one where your ex reaches out because they’ve genuinely changed.

When they’ve realized their mistakes, done the self-work, and actually want to rebuild something real. And that’s not going to happen if they know they can come back any minute.

The healthiest thing you can do right now is focus your energy on you – on healing, improving, and building your own life again. Every meaningless message, every little check-in from their side, only delays your recovery and keeps the wound open longer.

That’s why it’s best to minimize contact with your ex’s friends.

Mute or unfollow them, and their friends, for a while. Unfriending or blocking is probably unnecessary, after all – it’s not your ex’s friends’ fault things ended. And most of them are likely decent people.

You might even reconnect later, once you’ve healed and moved on.

But for now, you don’t need constant reminders popping up while you’re trying to move forward.

The right response when your ex’s friends contact you

I know you hope your ex is missing you when their friends send you such unexpected requests.

But honestly?

Those little attempts usually aren’t proof your ex is having a grand epiphany about losing you. Most of the time, it’s just curiosity, not a plan to get back together.

If you’re already in No Contact, which really is the only right thing to do after a breakup, just go back to No contact. You shouldn’t break your peace over something that might not mean anything.

If the people reaching out are close friends of yours too, then sure, there’s no harm in being polite and friendly. Just avoid talking about your ex, the breakup, or your dating life.

But if it’s someone you barely know or don’t know at all, my advice is:

Ignore or delete the requests. Don’t block them, unless they start messaging you repeatedly or it feels invasive.
Tighten your privacy settings so only your friends can see your posts and friend list.
Don’t post about your emotions or anything breakup-related that feeds gossip or curiosity.

Give your ex the opportunity to live with their decision.

Let them experience life without you in it.

Time and space are the only means for them to know whether or not they’ve made the right choice. It often takes more than three months for someone who left to truly start missing what they had, if they ever do.

Not every ex reaches the regret stage.

The ones who do usually get there after life humbles them – maybe they get hurt or disappointed by their new partner, or some other area of their life goes wrong.

That’s when they start comparing you, to the relationship that recently failed, remembering the stability and kindness they once had.

And what about Clarissa?

So, when Phill finally reached out six months later, they did give it another try. But it didn’t last.

Sometime after that, Clarissa ran into one of those friends who had messaged her right after the breakup. Over coffee, she finally asked the question that had bugged her for months – did Phill ask them to contact her?

The friend laughed and said, “Oh no. We were talking about you one day, and I asked if he’d mind if I tried my luck with you. He just shrugged and said, sure, give it a shot, I don’t care.”

Ouch, that one hurt. But it told Clarissa everything she needed to know.

She learned an important lesson: if someone truly wants you back, they’ll find the courage to show up themselves.

Phill didn’t want her back when his friends were mysteriously messaging her. He only reached out when he was genuinely ready, six months later, he apologised and asked to try again.

And this is exactly what you need to know as well – if your ex genuinely wants to come back in your life, they won’t hesitate to show up. Anything less isn’t worth your energy.

Are you struggling with a bad breakup right now? Get the How to get over anyone in 30 days guide. It has helped a lot of people find their purpose after a breakup and feel like themselves after heartbreak. Sometimes, you just need a gentle push in the right direction.

Want to keep reading?

Check out more related articles:

When does a man stop appreciating a woman

How to leave a toxic relationship

Why obsessing over a crush is pointless

How to be more assertive in your relationships

How to become more attractive after a breakup

How to go from anxious to secure in a relationship

How to get closure after a breakup

TheThinkAbout is a website based on psychology in practice and experience.

Like the articles? Subscribe to never miss anything.