Why Is Closure After a Breakup So Important?

In my previous article, How to stop thinking of your ex when you can’t, we discussed how essential it is to get closure when a relationship ends.

Seriously, a lack of closure is one of the biggest reasons you can’t stop thinking about your ex, or why they keep showing up in your dreams like some annoying sequel you never asked for.

And yeah, that can be really rough.

We’ve already covered why so many people feel stuck after a breakup. They basically can’t decide:

Should I try to get my ex back?(if “Yes” – read this article)
Or should I start to move on and heal? (if “Yes” – read this article)

In both scenarios, closure is essential—because without it, moving on just doesn’t happen.

Without closure, you risk:

Being unable to move on
Wasting time ruminating over a failed relationship
Jumping into a new relationship before you’re ready (and possibly sabotaging it)
Having old feelings resurface when you least expect it

The Biggest Misconception About Closure

Let’s talk about a myth that’s messing a lot of people up: the idea that closure comes from having one last conversation with your ex.

You know the one – where you sit down, pour your heart out, ask all your lingering questions, and get that final explanation that magically helps you move on.

Yeah… except that almost never happens.

Why the “let’s meet for closure” talk won’t help (and might make things worse)

Let me first give you the best possible scenario.

Imagine you and your ex meet up for “closure.”

You spend hours rehashing the breakup.

You both cry, hug, profess your undying love and regrets that it didn’t work out, and tell each other how wonderful you both are and how you deserve happiness.

Then, you part ways one last time and drive off into the sunset.

Because that’s kind of how you imagine it, right?

First of all – how often does that happen in reality? And second of all – what exactly would this meetup achieve?

To explain why the relationship didn’t work?– Chances are you already know why.
To understand why your ex fell out of love? – Does it even matter now? Because they chose to! Love isn’t the initial chemistry you feel for the first couple of months into the relationship. It’s a choice and an ongoing effort. And let’s be real here – your ex simply chose not to fight for the relationship anymore.
To find out why they built up negativity and never communicated their frustrations? – Ok, if they weren’t open when you were together, why would they suddenly spill their heart out now? There’s no relationship to fix anymore!
To hear what you did wrong so you can “improve” for your next relationship? – Ok, look, first of all – you know yourself better than anyone else does. I am sure you are perfectly aware of your shortcomings. And it doesn’t make much sense for your ex to tell you how you should present yourself before your NEXT partner, simply because they might be a completely different person! Your ex isn’t your judge. Their opinion is subjective, based on their perspective and needs—it doesn’t define who you are.

And now, I will give you the worst possible scenario.

You meet up, hoping for a mature conversation, but your ex is cold, distant, or just… not interested. Maybe they even blame you for everything, tell you how relieved they feel, or casually mention they’re seeing someone new.

Oof.

How would that make you feel? Wouldn’t you wish you had skipped that little meetup?

I’ve been in serious relationships, and trust me—moving on after a breakup is ten times HARDER if you let your ex see you as a heartbroken, fragile mess at the end.

Breakup pain isn’t just about losing someone you loved. It’s also about your ego and self-esteem. And if you let them completely crush your confidence in that final moment, it’ll take even longer to heal.

So, let’s not do that, okay?

Why you should always put your dignity before your ex

Ever read “Gone with the wind”? If you haven’t – spoiler alert, but I have to tell you how it ends.

At the end of the story, Scarlett finally realizes she loves Rhett—not Ashley. She rushes to tell him… only to find that he’s completely over her. He looks her in the eye and delivers the iconic line:

“My dear, I don’t give a damn.”

But instead of crumbling, Scarlett keeps it together. She doesn’t beg, she doesn’t break down. Instead, she tells herself:

“After all, tomorrow is another day.”

This line perfectly portrays her unwillingness to give up, no matter how many times she’s been knocked down.

And guess what? That moment earns Rhett’s respect and though disappointed, he never fully dismisses Scarlett’s spirit.

“But he looked at her with something like respect, and then he turned and walked out of the room.”

Even though their relationship has ended, Rhett never stopped looking up to Scarlett’s for her resilience even when everything worked against her.

The takeaway? Always walk away with dignity. It makes a huge difference—even if it’s just for yourself.

Why closure only comes from YOU

Here’s something you might not want to hear, but it’s true: closure doesn’t come from your ex.

It comes from you—when you decide to stop waiting for something that may never come.

That’s tough, I know. It takes time. But every time you accept a little more that they’re not coming back, you get closer to real healing.

I will tell you how I did it, in the end of this article.

Should you have that final “closure” talk with your ex if getting back together is not an option?

Well, you broke up anyway.

So I would like you to take a moment and think : “If I could have one last chance to talk to my ex, what would I even say?”

If you think about it, the answer is probably… nothing.

That’s why it’s best to NOT to have one.

Excuse me, but if you still love your ex, can you honestly imagine meeting them in any other quality rather than your boyfriend/girlfriend?

Meeting up just to exchange some scripted “we wish each other well” speech? That’s weird. Seeing your ex and pretending to be strangers when they once meant everything? That’s even weirder.

Some things are better left alone.

”This is some mainstream bullshit right? Giving yourself closure? Does anyone even believe in that? It feels like an advice that some breakup coach pulled out of their ass!”

I bet you’re thinking this, aren’t you?

A lot of – breakup advice sounds like it came from someone who had no idea what they were talking about. Like generic, feel-good nonsense – “just do this and you’ll be happy”!

I get it. I used to think the same thing.

And honestly, at first, giving yourself closure does feel kind of fake—like you’re forcing yourself to accept something you don’t want to accept yet.

But let’s be real—if your ex wrote you a long apology, telling you everything you wanted to hear…

Would it actually fix anything? Would it undo the pain?

Probably not.

The closure email/letter

If you keep dreaming of your ex, or you left them because they weren’t good for you, but still love them, if everything in your environment reminds you of them…you might get the urge to write them a closure letter.

Bad idea.

People often think that if they separated on a really bad note, they should write a letter – apologizing for their wrongs, expressing gratitude, and wishing their ex well.

They come up with this idea from a place of pain and heaviness.

Unless you’re 100% sure you want them back and believe you’d actually be good together, sending that letter will just make things worse.

Why?

Should You Send a Closure Letter (or an Email) ?

Let’s break it down.

The urge to send the closure letter is coming from a place of wanting peace, closure, and relief from the weight you’re feeling on your chest.

But there’s a possibility that your ex might not react to this as you expect.

Before you start writing anything, ask yourself:

Would sending it truly help me let go, if they don’t respond or react negatively?
Or am I secretly hoping they’ll reply with something that will pull me back in?

If you really need to get it out of your system, write it down—but don’t send it.

Sometimes, just putting your feelings into words is enough.

How I Found Closure (Without an “Official Goodbye”)

I was having a really tough day after my last breakup.

Me and my ex loved each other deeply, but we somehow couldn’t make it work.

The breakup was brutal—sudden, messy, and honestly, just confusing. Neither of us really got closure.

I was always the one open to talking things through, trying to find solutions. He… wasn’t. If something felt too hard, he was ready to walk away. That’s not to say he didn’t have great qualities—he did. But communication and compromise? Not his strong suits.

And as much as I loved him, I eventually had to accept that love alone wasn’t enough.

That day, I had this huge urge to write him an email. Just to tell him how much the relationship had meant to me.

I’d been dreaming about him a lot. One of my clients had just told me a breakup story that sounded way too familiar. And on top of that, a mutual friend of ours was coming back from abroad—someone I hadn’t seen since before the breakup. I knew she’d have updates about him.

It was the perfect storm of triggers.

I wrote the draft. Then, I read it.

And I cringed.

There was NO WAY sending that would do either of us any good.

So it immediately went to Trash.

I went for a walk instead.

And that’s when it hit me.

I had tried. I’d been willing to put in the effort, own my mistakes, meet him halfway. But he wasn’t. One of the last things he ever said to me was:“I want us to meet, but on the other hand I don’t think any serious talk would fix things between us”.

So, in the end, I was the one who cut contact.

And here’s the crazy part—what actually gave me closure wasn’t some deep realization. It was something so simple:

He could have reached out.

And he didn’t.

He knew where to find me. But he chose not to.

And that? That was all the closure I needed.

As I kept walking, I told myself: “If he ever reaches out—and he’s actually changed, if he realizes what needs to be different—then sure, I’d hear him out. I still love him. But until then? Life goes on. I can’t sit around wondering if he’ll figure it out or not. I’ve got too much to focus on, too many things in my life that actually need my energy. If he comes back and I still have feelings, maybe we try again. And if by then, I’ve moved on? Then it was never meant to be.”

And that’s how I found my closure.

It’s really just another way of saying: let go and let God. Or the Universe. Or whatever you believe in.

If you’re struggling with a tough breakup, check my book How to get over anyone in 30 days. It may just be the exact thing you need right now.

Need to read more?

What is separation anxiety after a breakup

How to resist the urge to text your ex

What should you do if your ex wants you back

What to do if your ex blocks you everywhere

How to not let a breakup destroy you

How to never regret breaking up with someone

How to leave a toxic relationship

TheThinkAbout is a website based on psychology in practice and experience.