Breakups feel like the ninth circle of hell

Did you have a tough breakup?

Did you lose “the love of your life“?

Was he/she your soulmate, the One, your best relationship? The one that you can’t forget no matter what?

Do you dream about them, want to text them, desperately hope that they will reach out? Above all—can you not stop thinking about them, no matter how hard you try to distract yourself from it?

If so, welcome, dear reader!

You are in the perfect place.

I have been in your shoes more often than I would care to admit and was once very in love with someone I swore I would never get over.

That breakup pain was so harsh, it changed me forever. I couldn’t afford to experience another one like that, so I developed strategies to get back on my feet faster.

I learned how to use a breakup as leverage.

You can learn those strategies too. If you are determined to heal from a very tough breakup, here is my step-by-step guide for you. It has helped many readers struggling in the days and weeks following a breakup to find the right direction in life again.

It can help you too.

Today, we are going to discuss a very common, yet very hard-to-deal-with problem.

What should you do when, no matter how much time has passed after the breakup and no matter how hard you try to get over them,

you
just
can’t
stop
thinking
about
your ex?

Why do we obsessively think about our exes

I suppose you’re thinking something like:

“It’s been (2, 3, 5, 6 months, a year?), and I still think about them!

I expected to feel better by now, but I really don’t! I keep hoping they will come back… I don’t even know why I’m doing this; it seems like they moved on a long time ago! We’ve been in no contact for months.”

It makes perfect sense to feel like this.

Deep emotional attachments don’t just vanish on a timeline.

Two months of No contact or six months post-breakup may feel like a long time, but in the grand scheme of healing, it’s really not.

When you can’t stop thinking of your ex, your brain is dealing with unfinished business. It basically can’t accept the breakup because, deep down, you still believe you may eventually end up together.

Make no mistake, you won’t forget your ex unless you have dementia. But constantly thinking of them after the breakup is a sign that there is still a conflict within you.

The persistent thoughts of your ex will disappear only when you figure out:
should you get back together? Or
should you move on and forget them?

Option one – getting back together

If you really cared about your ex, if your relationship was good and not toxic, if there was no cheating or abuse, then maybe trying to get your ex back is worth the shot.

Simply ask yourself: “Was this relationship good for me or not?”

If it was, then you should consider trying to get your ex back. Here is a strategy that works.

It’s not boring academics, it’s based on real life experience.

Option two – getting over them

If the relationship wasn’t good for you, (even if you loved your ex deeply), you knew it had to end for your own well-being. Trying to get your ex back in that situation is not a good idea.

The best approach?

Focus on yourself. Learn about the No Contact Rule after a breakup, how to resist the urge to reach out, how to stop regretting the breakup, and how to turn it into one of the best things that ever happened to you.

Some External Factors That Make It Hard to Stop Thinking About Your Ex

“Did he/she vanish…?!”

Sometimes relationships end abruptly, or your ex just vanishes.

When that happens, the expectation that they’ll reach out keeps hope alive. And hope? It’s one of the last things to die. Often, this happens because you didn’t get proper closure.

If the breakup wasn’t in person, or if it happened during an argument, moving on can feel nearly impossible.

Imagine a situation where there was no clear ending. The relationship just… stopped.

That leaves unresolved emotions hanging in the air, and your brain tries, often obsessively, to solve an unsolvable problem.

But even if you did meet and talk, that doesn’t guarantee full closure. Part of you might still struggle to accept it, still hope they’ll come back. And that hope keeps them on your mind constantly.

You might notice your ex is the first thought in the morning, the last at night, or pops into your mind when:

You eat
You hear a song
You go to work
You visit places you went together

The triggers are endless. It feels impossible to stop thinking about them.

The truth? You do need closure to move on.
And we’ll talk about exactly how to get that closure in a way that actually works.

Is it winter?

If you recently broke up and it’s late fall or winter, it’s no wonder your ex is stuck in your head.

Between late October and early March, everything just feels more depressing (See why February is the most depressing month of the year).

Short days, cold weather, and less social activity can make life feel hopeless, and they certainly don’t help when you’re grieving a relationship.

If this breakup had happened in the summer, with more sunlight and more things to do, you might have processed it differently. But in winter, when life feels slower and lonelier, your ex becomes the center of your thoughts.

And the holidays? Yeah, they don’t help either. Christmas, New Year’s, Valentine’s, Women’s Day… each one can hit like a reminder that something important is missing.

“Who cares about the reason? I still think about them all the time! I still love them. Even if we don’t talk anymore.”

I get it.

Love doesn’t just disappear because time passes or because you go No Contact. If anything, the absence can make it feel even stronger for a while, like your brain is holding on harder than ever.

If you’ve been in a one-sided or unbalanced relationship before, you may have believed that love alone would make it work.

But love on its own isn’t enough.

It has to be healthy, reciprocated, and nurtured. Right now, what you feel is real, but it’s tangled with loss, longing, and habit. You’re still mentally “with” your ex because your heart hasn’t caught up to reality yet.

And that… takes time.

You won’t suddenly wake up one day over them. But eventually, you’ll notice: they aren’t on your mind as much. The emotions will shift, even if you can’t see it happening yet.

Here’s a question:

If you could have just one thing from your ex right now, (no guarantees of getting back together), what would it be? Closure? An apology? Hearing their voice? Sometimes identifying what you think you need can help you move forward.

Maybe you’d want a letter. One where they say they loved you, and that they’re sorry for hurting you.

I get it. You want acknowledgment. You want validation. You want confirmation that what you had was real and that it mattered.

But would a letter really bring peace? Or would it just reopen the door to more longing… more questions?

And if they truly loved you as much as you loved them, if you were their “one”, why didn’t they fight for the relationship?

If you were their soulmate, would they have let you go like this?

Oftentimes, what we’re really searching for isn’t them at all. It’s a way to make peace with how things ended.

And that’s the real challenge: accepting that you may never get the closure you want from them, and finding a way to create it for yourself.

So… How Do You Stop Thinking About Your Ex When You Just Can’t?

Stopping obsessive thoughts is tough, but it is possible.

Here’s the catch: trying not to think about them won’t work.

A breakup triggers negative emotions in your brain, which naturally tries to “solve” the problem. The more you obsess, the stronger your feelings get, until you’re convinced, “I can’t live without them.”

Right now, your brain is stuck in a loop, replaying memories and emotions, trying to find meaning, closure, or a way to “fix” the breakup. Forcing yourself not to think about your ex? That’s like telling a starving person, “Just don’t think about food!” — it won’t work.

The real way to stop obsessing is to tackle the root issue:

the uncertainty about whether they’ll come back and the belief that your life is worse without them.

You can do this by focusing on three things:

Get closure – find ways to mentally and emotionally accept the breakup.
Break the cycle bit by bit – interrupt obsessive thoughts with small, deliberate actions.
Change the way you see the breakup – shift your perspective from loss to growth, from failure to opportunity.

Once you address the root causes, your brain will stop obsessing, and you’ll finally start reclaiming your peace of mind.

1. How to get closure

Getting closure is a big, complex topic, too big to unpack here. That’s why I’ve covered it in detail in another article (you’ll want to read that one).

2. How to break the cycle of thinking of your ex

Keep your brain busy

Picture your mind as a pie chart.

When you can’t stop thinking about your ex, they’re taking up 100% of the space. That’s the whole damn pie. But here’s the thing: your brain can’t focus on two things at once, multitasking is a myth.

That means when you watch an immersive movie, read a gripping book, play a game, or throw yourself into learning something new, your ex gets temporarily evicted from that mental real estate.

Boredom is your enemy right now. That’s when the loop kicks in.

Move

Exercise won’t magically erase your ex, but it will take the edge off your anxiety.

It’s really about choosing your discomfort:

Staying home on the couch, thinking about your ex,
or
Going for a walk… while thinking about your ex.

Option B wins every time.

Movement helps your body process stress hormones, regulate your mood, and reduce the crushing separation anxiety that follows a breakup. (You can dive deeper into separation anxiety here.)

3. How to change the way you see the breakup

Not everything we lose is a true loss.

Ask yourself honestly: Is there anything you might have actually gained from this breakup?

Here’s a starter list to jog your brain:

No more fights or constant feelings of not being appreciated
I’m not anxious waiting for texts that never come
I can finally focus on myself instead of “us”
I stood up for myself by walking away from something that wasn’t serving me
No more exhausting on-and-off cycles
This breakup cleared space for someone who truly aligns with me
More time for my friends, family, and passions
I’ve learned what I want—and what I’ll never tolerate again
I don’t have to walk on eggshells anymore

Read that list daily. Let your brain relearn that this breakup may have been a blessing in disguise. Over time, that simple shift in perspective will help you find peace.

Why Time Alone Doesn’t Always Heal You

You’ve probably met people who still think about their ex years later. I know someone who’s happily married and still ruminates about an ex from university.

Some people do everything “right”- go no contact, hit the gym, dive into hobbies, and yet, a year later, the breakup still feels fresh.

Why?

Because they never actually processed the pain.

Obsessing vs. Processing

A smart question I often get is:

“I’ve been thinking about my ex for months – doesn’t that count as processing?”

Nope. Here’s the difference:

Obsessing = Replaying the same thoughts without resolution.
Processing = Moving through emotions with the goal of releasing them.

Obsessing keeps your focus on them:

“What are they doing now? Do they miss me? Will they ever regret this?”

Processing shifts the focus to you:

“What do I need to heal? What did I learn from this?”

You don’t need to process harder, you need to process differently.

How to Shift from Obsessing to Processing

Journal with purpose – Don’t just vent. Ask yourself: What am I really missing – love, comfort, validation? What needs did this relationship meet? What lessons do I want to take forward?

Feel the pain, don’t fight it – Put on a sad song and cry if you need to. Name the emotion: “I feel abandoned.” “I feel betrayed.” Then, when you’re ready, create a ritual of release. Try this old Russian meditation: light a few candles and say:“We emerge from the darkness and come into the light. The distance between us disappears. We are friends, regardless of what happened. We emerge from the darkness and peacefully face towards the light.” Sounds a little mystical, sure, but if it works, it works.

Interrupt the thought loop – When you catch yourself spiraling – “Why didn’t they fight for me?”, ask, “Is this thought serving me?” If not, redirect your energy into something that demands focus: a workout, a movie, a game, anything immersive.

Ask your friends or therapist for a feedback, instead of telling the same story over and over – When talking with friends or your therapist, skip the rerun of your breakup story and ask: “What am I not seeing?” “Do you think I’m idealizing them?” “What do you think I can do to move forward?”

You’re not weak for missing your ex. Love doesn’t vanish overnight.

But if it was truly meant to be – wouldn’t it have worked?

Trust that the connection served its purpose. Let it end with grace. The love you’re looking for, the kind that feels mutual, secure, and soul-deep—is still out there.

What’s your breakup story?

See more related articles:

Should you break No contact to wish your ex Happy birthday

Does No contact work?

My ex blocked me! What now?

How to not let a breakup destroy you

Ex wanting you back? See how to handle that

How to be less invested in a new relationship

The perks of being single

When does a man stop appreciating a woman?

How to leave a toxic relationship

TheThinkAbout is a website based on psychology in practice and experience.