”Last night I dreamed about my ex and now I feel like crap”

Heartbreak is honestly one of the worst things a person can go through.

If you’re trying to move on from someone you still love, I feel you. It sucks-there’s no sugarcoating it. Losing someone you cared about is painful, and unfortunately, there’s no way to skip that part.

You just have to go through it, one day at a time.

If the breakup is fresh, you’re probably going to be grieving for a while-and that’s normal. But here’s something important to remember: pain and suffering are two different things.

Feeling pain is unavoidable, but staying stuck in suffering? That part is up to you. You only have two choices:

1. You can let a breakup destroy you or

2. You can let a breakup transform you.

When my first serious relationship ended, I honestly thought I’d never recover.

I was convinced my ex was the only person who could ever make me happy-the only one with that perfect mix of qualities I’d never find in anyone else.

I truly believed I’d never fall in love again.

That belief only got stronger when I jumped into a few short-term relationships that crashed and burned.

I kept comparing everyone to my ex, and surprise, surprise-it didn’t work! Looking back, I just needed time to emotionally detach.

I was so wrong to think I’d never love again. Eventually, I met people with their own unique qualities, things my ex never had, and I fell for them in ways I never expected.

But that dark phase?

It pushed me to obsessively search for ways to move on. And when nothing seemed to help, I decided to create my own guide on how to truly get over an ex.

Not just for my future self, to make sure I never got stuck like that again, but for anyone out there struggling with heartbreak.

Let’s suppose you’ve done all the right things after a breakup

You cut your ex off, deleted the photos, wiped the chat history, tossed the gifts-basically erased every last trace of them. You’re going out with friends, picking up hobbies, hitting the gym, planning trips, and keeping yourself as busy as possible.

You’ve followed the breakup recovery playbook to the letter!

And if that’s you—bravo! You’re on the right track. But here’s the thing: moving on isn’t just about doing all the right things.

There are two major factors at play when it comes to truly letting go—EFFORT and TIME.

I can’t tell you exactly how long it’ll take to fully heal.

Real recovery is when you can think about your ex and feel absolutely nothing-no pain, no longing, just complete indifference. When you genuinely don’t care what they’re up to or where their life is going.

That’s the goal. And trust me, if you keep going, you’ll get there.

It’s going to take time-but how much time? That depends on whether you’re actively working towards detachment or just waiting for it to happen.

So, while you’re in that in-between phase—doing all the right things to move on, but not enough time has passed yet—don’t be surprised if your ex still slips into your thoughts… especially in your dreams.

And just when you finally go a whole day-or even just a few hours-without thinking about them… bam.

You close your eyes for a nap, and there they are.

Your ex, the love of your life, coming back to you-apologizing, saying all the right things, promising they’ve changed!

Or maybe, in your dream, everything feels normal again. The breakup never happened. It was just a bad dream, and you two are right back where you were, happy and in love.

Or maybe… you dream about sleeping with them. (Yeah, those dreams happen too.)

Whatever the case, it feels so real. And then-you wake up.

Reality hits like a brick wall. The breakup was real. They’re not in your life anymore.

But the dream was so vivid, so intense, that you can’t help but wonder:

“What does this mean? Was it a sign? Are they thinking about me too? Should I reach out?”

So…why do exes pop up in our dreams?

Recovering from a breakup is tricky because the advice on coping can feel totally contradictory.

On one hand, people say you shouldn’t fight your sadness.

Let yourself feel it, let the thoughts come and go. But the problem? That often turns into an endless loop of reminiscing-rehashing every could’ve, should’ve, would’ve-until you’re so stuck in the past that moving on feels impossible.

So, you try a different approach.

You decide to shut down thoughts of your ex the second they pop up.

The moment your brain starts going there, you go, “NOPE!” You push it away before you spiral.

Honestly? That works-kind of. It stops you from dwelling… but here’s the catch: whatever you suppress during the day has a sneaky way of showing up in your dreams.

Dreams have a way of messing with your emotions, especially when you’re trying so hard to move on. But it makes sense-your brain is still trying to process everything.

Why Are you Dreaming About Your ex?

If you’ve gone through a breakup, chances are you’ve dreamed about your ex at some point. It happens to almost everyone.

But let’s clear something up- it doesn’t mean they’re thinking about you at the same time. These dreams are usually more about your mind working through the loss, not some cosmic signal from your ex.

When you go through something as emotionally intense as a breakup, your brain tends to replay memories, feelings, and unresolved emotions-especially when you’re asleep.

It’s just part of the way your mind processes everything.

Here are a few real reasons why you dream about your ex:

You still have strong feelings– whether it’s love, pain, longing, or even just the habit of having them in your life.
Your brain is trying to “solve” the breakup– especially if the relationship ended abruptly and there was no closure.
You miss the connection – not necessarily just them, but the feeling of being close to someone, loved, and desired.
You’re in withdrawal– breakups can feel like addiction recovery, and your brain sometimes “relapses” at night by bringing them back into your dreams.

Now, there’s this idea that exes can “sense” each other thinking about them, and while some people believe in those energetic or spiritual connections, there’s no solid science behind it.

What’s more likely is that your subconscious is just holding onto the bond you once had.

But here’s the good news: the more you emotionally detach, the weaker that bond becomes-and those dreams will start to fade.

What Does Psychology Say About Dreaming of an Ex?

Carl Jung – one of the fathers of the psychology of dreams, believed that dreaming of your ex isn’t always about the person but what they symbolize in your unconscious mind.

Your ex could also reflect unmet needs, showing a part of yourself that you haven’t fully integrated or acknowledged.

If your ex appears in a dream, consider:

How did it make you feel?

What patterns may it show about your relationships?

Your ex in a dream might be your brain telling you a past phase you haven’t let go of, a trait you need to embrace, or a warning about repeating old behaviors.

There is a high chance the dream is highlighting something deeper about you.

Does this mean they are thinking of you?

Jung wouldn’t say dreams are telepathic, but he did believe in synchronicity-meaning that if two people shared a deep connection, their unconscious minds could still be linked in mysterious ways.

But ultimately, the dream is more about you than them.

If the dreams stir strong emotions, it means there’s still something within you that needs closure, understanding, or integration.

Over time, as you resolve these things consciously, the dreams should fade.

Think about it – even if it does mean that your ex is thinking of you and you “sensed” that in the dream. So what?

The more you stay in No contact after the break up, the more the pain will lessen. But if you now reach out to your ex, because you believe the dream was your “sign”, this could set you back to square 1.

What sense does it make to reestablish a relationship that brought you pain, if your ex hasn’t changed or given you any reason to believe things would be different this time?

So how do you deal with dreams about your ex?

The best way to cope with dreaming of your ex is to remember : it is your brain dealing with the breakup.

It is actually a sign that your brain is working properly towards recovery. It is putting together all the supressed memories of your past relationship and your ex, in order to make sense of everything that happened.

You brain needs to do that to close that chapter of your life.

Think of it like a computer doing it’s job in the background, like updating its software. Tell yourself: “My brain is doing exactly what it needs to recover. If I’m dreaming about my ex, there’s something it’s working through.”

So let it! Don‘t give it much thought – go on with your day, and occupy yourself with stuff that you find engaging and stimulating.

I know it’s easier said than done but I’ve been there and trust me – of all choices that you have this is the only one that will pull you forward. The dreams of your ex will naturally fade with time. This one is for sure.

If you are dealing with a tough breakup, you might want to check related articles:

What is separation anxiety after a breakup

How to NOT contact your ex

What to do if your ex blocks you everywhere

How to not let a breakup destroy you

How to never regret breaking up with someone

What if your ex wants you back?

How to make a breakup the best thing that ever happened to you

Check also the Relationships category for many more.

TheThinkAbout is a website based on psychology in practice and experience.