What is the “ego”?

When you hear: “ego”, you immediately think of “self-importance”. As in: “You’re full of ego!” “His/her ego won’t let him apologize”, “Get over your ego and have some clear self-perspective!”.

But actually, the ego is more than the thought of: “I am superior to others!”

What exactly is the ego?

In Greek the word “ego” literally means “I”. Psychology defines the ego as your sense of self, your identity. The way you perceive yourself. When someone asks you: “Who are you?”, what would you answer?

The ego is your inner boss, so to speak.

Every time you have to make a decision, balance your emotions or figure out what to do in a situation, it is your ego that takes charge. Your ego is the part of you that says: “How do I handle this?”

The ego is a fundamental part of human nature.

It has formed naturally with our psychological development because it serves an important purpose. It makes us see ourselves as separate from other people, and understand our role in society. The ego serves to take responsibility for your actions, because you realise it is “you” who did a, b, c or d.

So we can’t really function without our ego.

But the ego has its drawbacks.

Depending on your early upbringing, your ego can become unbalanced.

In an unhealthy environment, the ego can become over-inflated or de-flated, which distorts a person’s view upon themselves. When the ego is not realized, it becomes toxic. It takes control, poisons your relationships, and can destroy your life.

The ego always tries to protect itself.

So the purpose of self-growth is not to kill the ego, but to learn to overcome it.

Here is a short tale you might have heard before. It has a profound insight into human nature and the struggle that is within each one of us.

The Cherokee tale of the two wolves

An old Cherokee elder was teaching his grandson about life. He said:

“A fight is going on inside me,” he told the boy. “It is a terrible battle between two wolves.”

“One wolf is evil – he is anger, envy, greed, arrogance, resentment, lies, inferiority, and ego.”
“The other wolf is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, truth, and compassion.”

“This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about this for a moment and then asked his grandfather:
“Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied,
“The one you feed.”

Why is this tale so simple, yet so powerful?

It is an allegory of what lies within each of us.

Inside our psyche, there is a constant battle between our good side (kindness, empathy, and love) and our dark side (anger, jealousy, and fear). The outcome of this battle depends on which “wolf” we choose to nurture through our thoughts, actions, and intentions.

These wolves are fighting each other to death. Every single day of your entire life.

What happens if your ego is too big or too small

The purpose of self – realisation is not to “kill” the ego, but to balance it, so it doesn’t lead you.

Your ego is always in the way. When it is is unbalanced, you lose clarity of who you are.

Your perception of yourself becomes distorted. An unbalanced ego can swing between two extremes : over-inflated: “I am superior to everybody!” or under- inflated: “I’m nothing, I’m worthless.”

Both extremes are bad. Having no ego is equally toxic to having an exaggerated ego, because it’s shame – based. A small ego is equal to feeling worthless. And shame is the most destructive human emotion.

Shame casts darkness on a human’s soul. It speaks : “You don’t deserve to see the light.”

Here is what happens when your ego is too big:

• You become arrogant – you exaggerate your value and accomplishments and become “too full of yourself”. You dismiss other peoples’ value, contributions or opinions and think you are better than them.
• You become selfish – You focus predominantly on yourself, neglecting others’ needs, and are focused on taking rather than giving.
• You become narcissistic – You get absorbed in your self – importance so much, that you become dependant on other peoples validation. You are ready to fight for your self-worth at any cost. Even if you have to exploit, devalue and abuse people. Read more on Narcissism here.
• You become resistant to change – If your ego says: “I’m perfect, there is nothing that I need to change about myself”, then why would you do that?

And here is what happens when your ego is too small:

• You get insecure and lack confidence – You start depending on other peoples’ validation to make decisions for you, because you don’t believe in yourself. Read the 35 signs you lack self – confidence here.
• You become passive – You can’t assert yourself amongst other people and this creates problems in your relationships.
• It is a source of your depression – You become consumed by fear: fear of failure, fear of success, and fear of the unknown. You see yourself as a victim of life and a prisoner of your limiting believes.

Why you shouldn’t feed the ego?

Like The tale of two wolves, every time you act out of pride, anger, self-importance, arrogance, hate, guilt, self- blame or vanity, you are strengthening your ego.

That means you indulge in negativity, selfishness or destructive habits.

To reach self-mastery, you need to accept the existence of your ego as an integral part of who you are, and strive to overcome it.

How to overcome the ego

Overcoming the ego is a life – long journey.

You won’t always succeed in this, but that’s not so important. The importance is to keep the battle up every single day. Here are some effective strategies on how to not let your ego take control of you:

Shift your focus

We are naturally predisposed to over-focus on ourselves. Our name is the sweetest word in our ears, when we see a photo, we automatically search for ourselves first. When we do a job, we over focus on how would other people feel about it.

We want people to respect us. We worry what other people think of us. This creates tension and frustrations.

To overcome the ego, you need to shift your focus outwards.

When you talk to someone, don’t focus on yourself or themselves. Focus on your conversation.

When you do a job, don’t think about the product, focus on the process. You will see end result will turn much better. By doing this, your mind will stay in the present. It will be unbiased by doubt, fear or anxiety, all related to the ego.

Don’t brag, flatter or act humble

Don’t brag about your accomplishments, as much as you might be tempted to.

It can be hard to resist the urge to share with other people something you are really proud of, but don’t do it. It only feeds your ego.

Let people figure things out for themselves.

With social media, this can be tricky, so every time you want to share your life online, ask yourself: “Do I want to share this, because I enjoy it, or I do I need the validation right now?”

Likewise, don’t devalue yourself. If someone’s praising you, don’t act humble. Be happy and thankful that someone appreciates you.

Don’t judge, don’t envy and don’t criticise other people

Evaluating other people, always comes from the ego.

It puts you in a position of power, with the toxic mentality: “I can judge others, because I’m better”. Let people be themselves. Everybody has their own journey.

Meditate and practice detachment

The purpose of meditation is to teach you how to free your mind from the limiting belief that there is a separate reality from you. With meditation, you come to realise that all things are One.

The ego is an illusion. The self doesn’t really exist. You are created by the same energy that created all other things in the universe. Hence you are a part of everything around you.

Serve others

Being of service to other people is one of the best ways to overcome your ego. Find ways to share – donate, volunteer without expecting anything in return. Practice every day the power of choice by choosing the right thing.

”What if I become too good and people take advantage of me?”

Letting go of your ego doesn’t mean you’ll become weak.

You can be kind and still not allow toxic behaviour or tolerate harm.

Some people may take your generosity as an invitation to take advantage of you – that’s why you need to balance compassion with wisdom. Cultivate both kindness and setting boundaries.

This is what mindfulness really is.

Here’s how you can remain ego-free and prevent others from taking advantage of your kindness:

• Learn to set firm boundaries– Boundaries are a form of self-respect. When you know what you want and need, you naturally stop tolerating what doesn’t align with it. This requires healthy self-confidence and assertiveness, not aggression, but calm clarity. Once you start listening to your own needs instead of constantly adjusting to others’, setting boundaries becomes effortless.
• Remain calm – Emotional control is your superpower. When your mind is stable, no one can destabilize you – no manipulator, no critic, no energy vampire. You might find these reads useful: How to deal with anger issues , How to deal with feeling anxious and more.
• Surround yourself with positive people -You can’t thrive in a toxic environment. If certain people consistently drain you, criticize you, or hold you back, let them go. Protect your energy like your life depends on it (because, emotionally, it does). Choose wisely who you spend your time with. The right people will lift you up, not weigh you down.
• Increase your emotional intelligence (EQ) – Many people assume IQ is all that matters. It’s not. Emotional intelligence – understanding and managing emotions (yours and others’), is what determines the quality of your relationships, work, and inner peace. Being sensitive or empathetic doesn’t automatically mean you have high EQ. It’s about emotional awareness, balance, and response, not overreaction. You can do an EQ test here.

Letting go of your ego is a lifelong journey, but one that leads to freedom, love, and clarity.

The more you practice it, the lighter you’ll feel and the more peace you’ll attract.

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