What is a toxic relationship

Nobody is immune to a toxic relationship.

It can enter your life at any time, no matter how much experience you have in love.

Even if you’re mentally healthy and securely attached, you might still attract a toxic partner. As humans, we all have cracks—imperfections, vulnerabilities, and unmet psychological needs. These are a natural part of being human.

Sometimes, love feels like stepping onto a hidden mine.

When a partner fulfills our unmet needs and enables our unhealthy behaviors at the same time, a toxic relationship can form.

The tricky part? Toxic relationships rarely start that way.

In fact, they often begin as some of the BEST relationships you’ve ever experienced. This is what makes it so hard to walk away later, even when the relationship starts to crumble.

What does it feel to be in a toxic relationship?

For starters, it’s really unstable

Think of it like a house with no solid foundation—it wobbles with even the smallest bit of pressure.

Toxic relationships are often fueled by intense passion,born from their dramatic highs and lows. The lows feel devastating, but the highs are euphoric because they come right after the pain.

Toxic relationship lack the reassurance that the relationship can persevere during hard times, so there is no sense of security. This tension creates constant anxiety.

The relationship might break apart repeatedly, only for the partners to get back together, as if “pulled back together by a magnetic force”.

There may be love, but there are also huge outbreaks of anger, hostility and volatility.

A toxic relationship causes great psychological disturbance

Being in a toxic relationship can mess with your head in ways you never imagined.

It forces you to face parts of yourself you might’ve buried—old fears, deep wounds, and the stuff you’d rather not think about. Suddenly, you’re dealing with things like rage, abandonment fears, helplessness, or even feeling like you’ve lost control of your own life.

You might find yourself battling loneliness, addictions, or the frustration of being stuck in a cycle you just can’t break. And no matter how hard you try, solving the relationship’s problems—or ending it altogether—can feel impossible.

This kind of stress isn’t just emotional—it’s physical too.

People in toxic relationships often lose sleep, stop eating properly, or let themselves go. They feel trapped, torn between their love for their partner and the pain the relationship keeps causing.

You can’t live “with or without them”

If you feel torn because your partner makes you feel bad, sad, or anxious—makes you doubt yourself—but at the same time, you crave their presence and miss them the second they’re gone, it’s a strong sign you might be in a toxic relationship.

If you’ve tried to leave but find yourself going back every time, or you can’t stop yourself from replying when they reach out, it’s likely that you and your partner are stuck in an unhealthy attachment.

Your problems feel like they’re stuck on repeat…

In a healthy relationship, couples tackle problems as they come. They work through them, learn, and move forward.

But in a toxic relationship, it often feels like problems have NO solution. The same issues keep repeating, and even when you try to communicate, nothing really changes.

You are stuck in a communication breakdown.

Why do some relationships turn toxic?

You’ve probably heard people say something like: “I keep attracting toxic or unavailable partners! If my next partner isn’t emotionally healthy, I’m staying single forever!”

If you want to break free from toxic relationship patterns, here’s the truth you need to hear:

In a toxic relationship, there are two unhealthy people.

Sure, one person might seem more immature, selfish, or even abusive. But the other partner can have their own struggles too—like codependency, a lack of boundaries, or low self-worth.

Relationships turn toxic when both people bring unresolved issues into the relationship. These issues often complement each other in a way that triggers pain but also satisfies deep unmet needs.

At first, this dynamic can feel magical. Each partner gives the other something they’ve craved for a long time. But when these issues clash, the relationship can turn explosive.

Sounds complicated?

Let’s look at an example

Jen had social anxiety and struggled with codependency.

She found it hard to express her opinions, had low self-esteem, and didn’t like being single.

Why was Jen the way she was?

Her childhood shaped her this way.

Her parents were overly strict and overprotective. They never encouraged her to express herself, be independent, or take responsibility. They often discouraged her from making friends and even made her doubt people’s intentions.

Over time, Jen became distrustful and reclusive. She eventually developed social anxiety.

Then there was Kevin.

He was highly independent but emotionally distant. He struggled to trust others and had trouble with intimacy. Emotions made him uncomfortable, so he kept his friendships superficial.

Why was Kevin the way he was?

Kevin had grown up with emotionally cold parents and spent much of his childhood in boarding schools. He never learned how to be vulnerable or trust people fully.

All he wanted was for someone to accept him, just the way he was.

When Jen and Kevin met, their relationship felt like fireworks.

Jen gave Kevin the unconditional acceptance he had always craved. She adapted to him completely, never demanding that he change. In turn, Kevin helped Jen feel secure. He introduced her to his friends, stayed by her side, and gave her the social confidence she lacked.

It seemed perfect.

BUT.

In time Kevin’s need for control became overwhelming. He couldn’t compromise or let anyone else make decisions. This triggered Jen’s childhood wounds of feeling unworthy and unheard.

Meanwhile, Jen’s frustration and fights with Kevin triggered his fear of being abandoned for not being good enough.

Their fights became explosive. They broke up and got back together countless times because they both needed what the other gave. But their relationship also kept hurting them, and the cycle never stopped.

The relationship turned toxic.

What keeps a toxic relationship alive?

The hard truth is that toxic relationships survive because both partners enable each other’s unhealthy patterns.

By this I don’t mean abuse is your fault. If your partner is verbally or physically abusive, that’s entirely on them. But it is your responsibility to choose whether or not you stay.

In reality, if one partner were emotionally healthy, the relationship would likely fall apart. A healthy person wouldn’t tolerate toxic dynamics.

How to leave a toxic relationship

The only way to escape a toxic relationship is to focus on:

changing yourself.

Remember, you can’t control how someone else feels or acts, and it’s not your job to analyze, judge, or excuse their behavior.

What you can do is take full responsibility for your own actions.

One big reason toxic relationships drag on is because one (or both) partners fixates on the other’s behavior. They might spend all their time blaming the other person or justifying their actions:

• “They must be going through a hard time.”
• “They had a rough childhood.”
• “They hurt me because they’re struggling too.”

Instead, shift the focus to yourself.

Your partner can’t make you feel secure—that’s something you have to build within yourself. They can’t validate you either. You have to remind yourself that you are worthy, strong, and good enough.

When you start working on yourself and take responsibility for your life, the toxic relationship will either heal or fall apart.

If the only thing holding it together is the unhealthy dynamic, it’ll end—because you won’t need that relationship anymore.

Some relationships are meant to teach you a lesson.

Once you’ve learned that lesson, you would simply have no motivation to go back to your ex anymore.

Can a toxic relationship heal?

Yes, a toxic relationship can heal, but only if both partners are truly committed to working on themselves.

Remember, though, you can’t force anyone to grow or change. That’s entirely up to them. But you can take control of your own growth.

A toxic relationship is like a mirror – your partner is a reflection of what it is in you, that isn’t working.

Subconsciously, we sometimes choose toxic partners to recreate unresolved situations from childhood. It’s our way of trying to “fix” the past.

You can change your life.

Start working on you today.

Are you struggling with a breakup? Check out How to get over anyone in 30 days. It might just be the guide you need right now.

Here’s a collection of free resources to support your healing journey:

How to not regret breaking up with someone

How to make the breakup the best thing that happened to you

The advantages of being single

What is separation anxiety after a breakup?

How to stop the urge to text your ex

TheThinkAbout is a website based on psychology in practice and experience.

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