”I lost my person and it’s devastating”

When you think of a breakup, your first thought probably isn’t, “This is the best thing ever.”

Breakup pain is amongst the worst kinds of pain, known to man.

It is sometimes more traumatic than losing someone to death. With loss, there’s closure. But with a breakup, there’s always that lingering thought: What if we get back together?

This uncertainty makes it so much harder to move on.

Breakups affect mental health in ways that can take years to heal. And sadly, some people never do.

Their life falls into a negative spiral, they sink into depression, become dependent on alcohol or drugs, isolate themselves and find it very, very hard to get back to dating.

Here are some reasons why breakups hurt so much:

Your self-esteem takes a hit;
You feel abandoned and betrayed by someone you trusted;
Deep-seated insecurities rise to the surface;
It feels like you wasted time, energy, and effort on something that didn’t last;
You fear never finding love again and ending up alone;
Your old childhood wounds get triggered;
You lose a source of comfort, validation and security.

In short, a breakup is a HUGE disruptor in a person’s life.

But can this pain actually push you toward something better?

Imagine you get so devastated by a breakup, your old life becomes unbearable.

When a breakup shakes you so hard, that you feel it is impossible to start over, the only way forward is transformation. It might feel impossible to start over, but this could be the moment where you let the old version of yourself die and create a stronger, more resilient you.

If a breakup has left you feeling shattered, remember this:

It is normal to feel sad when a relationship ends. But feeling like your life is over? That’s a sign of an unhealthy attachment, often rooted in childhood experiences.

It is healthy to take responsibility for the breakup. It is NOT healthy to believe that you’re unworthy of finding love again. If you feel like this, you need to work on building a higher self-esteem.

It will take some time to find joy in life again. If you were unhappy before your relationship, you’d likely feel the same after it ends. True happiness comes from within—not from another person. By creating a life you love, you will no longer use love as an escape for your bad feelings.

A bad breakup is a chance to grow. A chance that you never would have if the relationship had continued.

Imagine this:

Wouldn’t it be nice to stop attracting unavailable people?
What if you became independent, secure, and truly happy on your own?
What if this was the push you needed to go back to school, change careers, or chase the dreams you put on hold?

You may think the breakup is the worst thing that’s ever happened to you.

But growth often comes from discomfort. People rarely make big changes when life is smooth. They need a big push, a kick in the butt. Sometimes, all we need is a painful wake-up call to finally take action.

And breakup pain can be just it.

Think about it like this.

Would it matter if you were defeated, sad and broken now, if one year from now you look like the BEST version of yourself and accomplish things you haven’t even dreamed of?

Wouldn’t you consider the breakup the best thing that happened to you?

Where to start

The first step? Go No contact with your ex. This is crucial for healing. Next, learn what not to do after a breakup to avoid dragging out your recovery.

Feeling like the only one suffering?

Let me tell you something about myself. It used to take me years to recover from the end of a “meaningful” relationship.

I held on too long, replayed old memories, and wasted time hoping for reconciliation. Even when my ex came back, I realized we were still incompatible. No matter how much time had passed, the relationship wouldn’t have worked.

So even though he came back, there was no “happy end”.

But that pain taught me valuable lessons.

It made me analyse what keeps someone hooked on an ex for far too long. I figured out why people stay stuck and how to truly move forward.

I learned how to get closure, even when there was none, and how to start living in the present again.

What would happen if you take 5 years to recover from each breakup that you’ll have? You won’t have much time left for joy, love and letting other people in, right?

This is why I wrote How to get over anyone in 30 days – a complete guide to healing your mind, body, and soul after a breakup.

If I can now detach from an ex in weeks instead of years, so can you!

(Did you also take five years to recover from a breakup?).

Identify what you want to change

Ask yourself:

“What is it that I don’t like about my life right now?“

Maybe there were things that bothered you before, but the breakup made them impossible to ignore.

Maybe your ex pointed out things about you – lack of ambition, negativity, social anxiety, that you also want to improve.

Make the list objectively, but don’t self-blame.

Growth isn’t about shame – it’s about becoming the best version of yourself.

Remember that no one is perfect, this is why we all strive to better ourselves.

Maybe your ex had some qualities that you admired, and you lacked those qualities? Why don’t you try to develop those qualities yourself?

Maybe he/she was:

bold,
laid-back,
confident,
chill,
more educated than you,
had a bigger social circle?

Here’s an example of a self-improvement list:

Get in shape and feel good in my body
Build a group of friends I genuinely enjoy
Start my own business
Pick up new hobbies that excite me
Get my own car or apartment
Travel to two new countries this year
Improve my self-care (like getting my teeth whitened)

Write anything at the top of your head, vague or concrete, big or small.

Think of anything you would make you happy. If imagining how your ex would see you motivates you, use that fuel to push yourself forward.

The key is to set achievable goals and create a plan.

Here is my guide, based on my own experience and what actually works.

Develop a “winner’s” mindset

To move forward, you need to believe you can achieve what you set your mind to. The best way to build this mindset?

Start succeeding in small ways.

Avoid situations where you’re set up for failure and don’t give up too soon.

How can you achieve this?

Set smaller goals and lower your expectations. Yes, I know it is counterintuitive when you are used to hearing that you should aim HIGHER, “give a 110% percent of yourself” and have “no rest days”.

But let me tell you something. What this way of thinking does, is making you constantly dissatisfied with yourself. It demotivates you when you fail to accomplish your goals!

Many people think they need to push harder, aim higher, and never rest. But that mindset often leads to burnout and frustration.

Instead, focus on steady, achievable progress. The more you succeed, the more confident you’ll feel.

A Bad Breakup Can Be Your Turning Point

A painful breakup might be exactly what you needed to push you into a new chapter. Every time you feel hurt, remind yourself: This is the start of something better.

You can’t control other people, but you can absolutely control how you will respond to this situation.

And you can turn it into the best thing that’s ever happened to you.

Breakups are a lot to deal with. Check out more useful resources:

How to not let a breakup completely destroy you

How to stop the urge to contact your ex

What to do if your ex says they want you back?

What if your ex blocks you?

How does theNo contact rule really work?

TheThinkAbout is a website based on psychology in practice and experience.

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