Why Moving On from Your Ex Feels So Damn Hard

Ever been on a date where the other person just would not stop talking about their ex?

Or maybe you’ve checked out your crush’s social media, only to find it’s still packed with photos of their last relationship?

Or do you have that one friend who keeps turning down dates because they’re still stuck on someone who’s long gone?

We all know people who just can’t seem to move on. And if you’re reading this, chances are you might be struggling with it too. But here’s the thing: it’s not because your ex was so special that they can never be replaced.

It’s because of how our brains are wired.

Breakups mess with us on a deep, psychological level. But once you understand why you’re holding on, you can start to break free.

So, let’s talk about the reasons why you can’t move on.

False beliefs

In my article How to program your brain on a subconscious level, I explain how repetitive thoughts shape our beliefs, and those beliefs create our reality. By changing your thought patterns, you can transform your behavior- and ultimately, your life.

But if you continuously “play on repeat” false beliefs, they’ll trap you in painful situations. Your brain is a storyteller. And sometimes, it tells some pretty convincing lies.

One of the biggest ones? The idea that your ex was “the One.” Your soulmate. The person you were meant to be with.

Sounds romantic, right? Except… it’s not.

Believing in such “fated” relationships is very dangerous, because it makes people the perfect prey for toxic partners- narcissists especially.

Narcissists love people who believe in “soulmates” because it makes them easier to manipulate. They’ll shower you with attention at first, making you feel like you’ve finally found “the one.” And by the time their true colors start showing, you’re already too attached to walk away.

If you’ve ever stayed in a relationship longer than you should have, thinking, “but we’re meant to be together!”, you know exactly how powerful this mindset can be.

Another reason why people can’t forget their ex is:

Doing things that scratch the wound after a breakup

Imagine you have a deep cut on your arm. Every time it starts to heal, you scratch at it. Over and over again.

That’s what you’re doing every time you:

❌ Text your ex “just to check in”
❌ Keep them on social media and obsess over their new followers
❌ Look at old pictures and listen to sad romantic songs
❌ Sleep with them, even though you know it won’t fix anything
❌ Beg them to come back

Every time you do this, you’re reopening the wound.

And I get it-when you miss someone, it’s so damn tempting to hold on in any way you can. But all it does is keep you stuck. The longer you engage in these habits, the more your brain believes the lie that you need your ex to be happy.

And that’s just not true.

If you want to heal, the best thing you can do is go No contact with your ex. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it’ll hurt like hell at first. But trust me — it will get easier.

And the third reason people can’t let go of their exes is:

Being unaware of relationship psychology

Many dumped ones miss their ex so much, they convince themselves that he/she was their best match ever. They think the REAL reason they feel so miserable and depressed is that “their ex was just better than everybody else.”

They forget all the times their ex neglected and mistreated them and start seeing their ex in a whole new light – as someone with great value in their life.

I am here to tell you that of all reasons you can’t get over your ex, how “good” they were to you is of not so much importance. If you loved someone, even if they weren’t a good person, even if they cheated or abused you, you are still going to miss them.

Let’s get real for a second.

When you say you “can’t live without your ex,” what you’re actually experiencing is separation anxiety.

What is separation anxiety

Separation anxiety is a feeling that you get when someone that you love rejects you.

The more time you spent together, the more you bonded and attached value and romantic feelings to this person.

Hence, if for any reason you two split-up, you are bound to feel sadness, anxiety, longing and pain.

Every time your ex gave you attention, affection, or validation, your brain released dopamine – the same feel-good chemical that makes people addicted to things like sugar, gambling, and drugs.

Over time, your brain got used to that dopamine hit. It became your comfort zone. Your safe place.

And then, suddenly, it was ripped away!

That’s why you feel like you’re losing your mind. You’re not just missing your ex. Your brain is literally going through withdrawal.

Just like with any addiction, your brain is going to fight to get that dopamine back. It’ll convince you that you need to see them, talk to them, or even just stalk their Instagram.

But let’s be clear: that’s not love. That’s addiction. This is why they say “Love is a drug”.

The only way to break an addiction is to cut off contact.

I know that detoxifying from your ex evokes horrible emotions.

The mix of a hurt ego, lost intimacy, physical withdrawal, loneliness, and uncertainty about the future creates a storm of anxiety. And when that anxiety hits, your brain desperately searches for comfort, familiarity, and security-so it latches onto the one person who used to provide that: your ex.

That’s why, even when you know reaching out is a bad idea, you still feel like you have to.

But here’s the brutal truth-when you chase after your ex, they usually pull away even more. And that rejection? It throws you into a full-blown panic.

Suddenly, you start romanticizing them.

You forget all the reasons the relationship ended. Their flaws? What flaws? They’re now on a pedestal, and losing them feels unthinkable.

Remember:

It is your separation anxiety with the crazy talk.

You would feel THE SAME, even if your ex was:

❌ A narcissist
❌ Emotionally or physically abusive
❌ Dishonest or unfaithful
❌ Manipulative, lazy, or toxic
❌ Simply not good enough for you

When you can’t stop thinking about your ex, when you’re crying over them, when you keep contacting them, just pause for a moment.

This isn’t about them. It’s about your brain craving what it lost. And that’s something you can overcome.

How do I know if it’s not love but separation anxiety?

Love, isn’t desperate.

Real love allows space. You can love someone, miss them, and still respect their decision to walk away. Love doesn’t make you panic or feel like you need them to survive.

Separation anxiety, on the other hand, is all about fear — fear of being alone, fear of them moving on, fear that you’ll never find someone else. It’s that gnawing, obsessive feeling that keeps you checking their social media, replaying old memories, and imagining them with someone new.

Love says: “I want them to be happy, even if it’s not with me.”
Separation anxiety says: “I can’t handle the thought of them being happy with someone else.”

Love is the purest emotion-it lifts you up. Separation anxiety drags you down.

And that’s why it’s so important to recognize it for what it is and deal with it in a way that actually helps you heal.

How to deal with separation anxiety after a breakup

The first thing you need to do when you crave your ex’s presence and desperately want to reach out, is to become aware of separation anxiety.

That intense craving to talk to your ex? The overwhelming urge to reach out? That’s not love-it’s your brain reacting to a sudden loss of comfort and familiarity.

Everyone who goes through a breakup experiences some level of separation anxiety. Some feel it more intensely than others, but it’s completely normal.

Just remember what’s only certain- this feeling will pass.

I can absolutely guarantee you that. You’re not weak. You’re human. What feels unbearable right now won’t last forever. With time, you’ll think about your ex less and less until one day… you just don’t care anymore.

The second thing you need to do, is to stop feeding your attachment to your ex.

That means:

No Contact – no texting, no checking their social media, no “casual” run-ins.
Remove reminders – get rid of photos, gifts, chat history – anything that keeps you stuck in the past.
Avoid breakup mistakes – things like stalking their new relationships or reminiscing too much will only make things harder.

If you’re struggling with No Contact, check out my article How to Stop the Urge to Text Your Ex– it’ll help you stay strong.

And in my book How to get over anyone in 30 days, you’ll find practical steps to help you let go, without bitterness, so you can move forward with peace and confidence.

You have to accept that you will feel anxious over your ex for a while, but the initial intensity of it will fade soon, provided that you stay away from them.

And the last thing you need to do is to get active on developing yourself. You can’t just sit and wait for the pain to fade – you have to actively move forward.