To wish or not to wish?

I know, holidays are no fun when you’re still dealing with feelings for an ex.

It’s not just the memories of past celebrations together-it’s also the emotional battle of whether you should reach out and say, “Happy birthday.”

For many, especially those struggling with No Contact, the dilemma is real.

Should you send that message? Will it make a difference? Or will it just set you back?

The Anxiety Around Special Occasions

Christmas, New Year’s Eve, and birthdays can bring a wave of anxiety for those who have been left behind. The overthinking starts days before.

They draft a bunch of birthday messages, obsess about the perfect timing, even start entertaining the thought of sending gifts to the ex who left them and to whom they haven’t even spoken to.

The fear creeps in: “If I don’t reach out, will they hate me? Will they move on forever?”

The hope? That a simple “Happy birthday” will soften their heart, make them see what they’ve lost, and maybe even spark a reconciliation!

I’m here to tell you-reaching out on your ex’s birthday is rarely a good idea.

When Wishing Your Ex is Okay

Before we go further, if you and your ex are genuinely on good terms, and both of you are comfortable with staying friends, then this advice isn’t for you.

Wishing them a happy birthday is natural.

But if they left you heartbroken and you two haven’t spoken since-keep reading.

The purpose of No contact

Let’s clear something up-No Contact isn’t a waiting game where you ignore your ex for an X number of days and then magically win them back.

It’s not a manipulation tactic to make them miss you.

It’s about taking back your power.

Cutting off communication with someone who rejected you is an act of self-respect. It also respects their decision to walk away.

No Contact shows strength, not desperation.

It portrays you as a person with self-control, and not as a needy person who can’t take “No” for an answer.

If your ex left, they should be the one to come back-if they ever want to.

Don’t buy into the idea that they’re too “proud” or “scared” to reach out. You can’t do both your job and theirs in a relationship and expect it to work.

The only No Contact worth following? Indefinite No Contact.

This means:

• No calling or texting your ex;
• No stalking them on social media;
• No asking mutual friends about them;
• No searching for updates on their life;
• No reminiscing over old pictures and messages;
• No wishing them Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, etc.;

Play Out the Scenarios in your head

When you want to hit send on a “Happy birthday” message, I want you to first consider all the negative scenarios.

Then take a minute to decide how you would feel about it.

So, your ex may either:

• Say a quick “thanks” and nothing more;
• Reply and chat a little, but it leads nowhere;
• Act friendly and suggest catching up, but never follow through (false hope alert!);
• Not respond at all.

How would you feel in each case?

Would you feel like a good person for reaching out? Or would you regret prioritizing their feelings over your own healing?

But your ex was not a good person to you when they broke up with you!

Remember: You are not their priority anymore. If you were, they wouldn’t have left.

The fact that you and your ex are in No contact after the breakup means that you’re not friends anymore. So it doesn’t make any sense to wish them a happy birthday, if you think of it.

Why send birthday wishes to someone you have no intention of ever speaking to again?

How Your Ex Might Feel About Your Birthday Message

You might assume they’d appreciate your message-but they may also react very negatively.

I once received a birthday call from an ex I haven’t heard from in a year and we didn’t split on good terms. I was everything but pleased.

First of all, your ex may get annoyed.

They may start thinking you can’t take “No” for an answer and that you use their birthday as an opportunity to inject yourself back into their life.

They may take your birthday message as a manipulation strategy to get them to talk to you again.

Especially if your ex is still bitter from the breakup, this is a very likely outcome.

Second, your ex may get angry.

Birthdays are the most “personal” day of a person’s life.

On this day, they want to feel nothing but good feelings!

This might change with your reaching out. You may totally ruin their mood by reminding them of how badly their last relationship ended.

They might think it’s hypocritical of you to reach out on their birthday, especially if you mistreated them.

And third, your ex may be vindictive or need an ego boost from you.

This option is less likely, unless your ex is a narcissist. You can check this article if you wonder if your ex was narcissistic.

If your ex is not a good person per se, they won’t be driven by things like empathy or morals after a breakup. Narcissists are ego-driven. They always aim to prove they live a better life than you.

A narcissist won’t hesitate to advertise their happy post-breakup persona. They will act like their life got suddenly a 1000 times better after the breakup, just to make their exes look bad or crazy.

They avoid responsibility, hence try to make the failed relationship look like their ex’s fault.

If your ex is narcissistic, they may use your message to fuel their ego. They might not think, “Wow, that was nice of them”. Instead, they might feel validated in leaving you behind. It will empower them to pity you.

Don’t give them that satisfaction and don’t reach out.

What to do if you want to wish your ex a “Happy birthday”

Not wishing your ex a happy birthday if you are in No contact doesn’t make you a bad person. In fact, it proves you respect their decision and, more importantly, yourself.

What if your ex wanted to be friends after dumping you?

If your ex wanted to be friends after dumping you, ask yourself: Would that be a real friendship? Could you handle seeing them move on? Or would you secretly be hoping they come back?

“Friendships” between exes often aren’t genuine.

There is one person who wants the benefits of a relationship without an actual relationship, and another who is still in love.

You can’t be friends with an ex who broke your heart. At least not initially when you still have feelings for them. You won’t be able to get over them or open yourself to other people.

You need to prioritise yourself and your mental wellbeing, not your ex’s wants or needs.

You can only heal and move on with your life by following a strict and indefinite No contact.

So what can you do instead of wishing your ex a happy birthday?

Close your eyes and visualize your ex.

Imagine channeling all your positive energy towards him/her. What was your ex’s greatest wish? Imagine them receiving that thing. Imagine how happy they are in that state of bliss.

Then let them go.

This simple visualization allows you to wish them well without expecting anything in return.

Your ex won’t know, but on some subconscious level, they might feel it. And most importantly, you’ll feel at peace.

Let go of your ex and let fate deal with what happens next.

Stay in No contact and work on becoming a better person. You may eventually get back with your ex or will meet someone new, but that’s irrelevant.

The importance is you will be a better partner in your next relationship.

Believe me, you won’t regret not reaching out to your ex. You would, however most likely, if you text them on their birthday.

If you’re struggling to move on, check out How to get over your ex in 30 days – a guide designed to help you detach emotionally and heal faster.

By following the advice and strategies in the book, you can start emotionally detaching from your ex in just a couple of weeks, rather than spending months or even years stuck in heartbreak.

You might also enjoy these articles:

How to resist the urge to text your ex

What to do if your ex blocked you everywhere

Why there is no such thing as “the One”

The perks of being single

How to not let a breakup completely destroy you

TheThinkAbout is a website based on psychology in practice and experience.

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