“I can’t help but text him/her!”

In my previous article, How to never regret breaking up with someone, I explained why so many people regret breaking up with their ex-partners and end up returning to dysfunctional relationships.

If you find yourself stuck in a never-ending cycle of breaking up and making up with your ex, I recommend reading that first.

Regretting a Breakup Can Lead to Poor Decisions

Regret after a breakup often drives people to do impulsive things—things like reaching out to an ex, asking to be friends, begging them to come back, and ultimately humiliating themselves in the process.

These actions only make it harder to heal because they reinforce attachment to an ex who either doesn’t want to be with you or isn’t right for you.

Why it’s so hard to NOT talk to your ex

Separation anxiety after a breakup is completely normal.

Breakup pain is one of the worst emotional pains a person can experience. It’s not just about losing a romantic partner; it also involves:

A blow to your self-esteem;
The loss of an envisioned future;
Losing mutual friends tied to the relationship;
The social stigma of being single;
Feelings of regret, sadness, and personal failure.

These feelings can become so overwhelming that both the dumper and the dumped one might want to put an end to them right NOW.

And the fastest option to obtain love and validation is to get them from the person who provided them before, a.k.a. the EX.

So, you reach out to your ex when you know you shouldn’t, don’t get the answer that you want, and reset your progress in recovering…

When your ex responds with one-word answers, acts cold and disinterested, or even worse—doesn’t respond at all—you instantly regret messaging and feel ashamed for showing weakness.

You enter into a negative self-talk spiral, blaming yourself for your lack of self-control:

“Why did I text him/her? That was an EXTREMELY stupid thing to do! I bet they now think I’m an idiot.”

“I acted clingy/needy/pathetic, and they must completely despise me. Maybe I should send another message and act cooler like my first text was a mistake.”

“Maybe I should let him/her know I’m moving on…“

“Wait, why on Earth did I text this bullshit?!“

“What if they also wanted to reconcile, and now I pushed them away? I better text them fast and say how bad I really miss them.”

“No, no, no, but now they feel totally empowered that they ‘won’ the breakup and are doing better than me. I must have the final word. But what…?”

Before you start demonising yourself for texting your ex, I will tell you that zero contact after a breakup almost never happens.

It is either the dumper or the dumped one who reaches out in some shape or form, and sometimes they both need a lot of time to stop communicating completely.

Especially if the relationship was becoming toxic.

Why You Shouldn’t Text Your Ex

Let’s start from the beginning.

Josh and Rachel just broke up.

Their relationship started out as the most beautiful thing ever. They were happy, kind, and loving to each other but, above all, treated each other with the utmost respect.

Until one day, they had a small argument.

And then another one. And then another one.

While Josh had his strengths, emotional maturity wasn’t one of them. He was so distraught by their arguments that his first reaction was to let go of the relationship.

He later regretted some of his actions but was incapable of fixing what was done, so it was on Rachel to reach out and try to mend the relationship with talk and self-reflection.

It was always Rachel who broke No Contact when the relationship went south.

They broke up, then made up many times, and had many happy days in between.

But in time, instead of appreciating Rachel as the more mature one, Josh started quietly resenting her.

He felt as if the relationship wasn’t really his choice anymore and that he was pressured to stay in it. So he started treating Rachel with less and less respect until the final fight between them happened.

Finally, Rachel told herself, “I will not be the one to reach out this time!” She waited and waited and waited for him to realize he wanted her back, but he never reached out.

Then it dawned on Rachel.

She had wasted years of her life only to find that her partner didn’t care if he lost her.

Why Is Your Ex Not Reaching Out?

If you don’t want to be a Rachel, please understand one thing:

When someone you love shows you they could live without you, reaching out to them in any form—calling, texting, or going to a place where you know you’ll meet them—is the worst thing you can do.

This applies to crushes as well.

If your crush rejected you, sticking to indefinite No Contact is what you should do. (See more on how to lose feelings for a crush). When you want to text your ex, remember:

The one who left is the one who has to reach out.

As much as you’re in pain right now, repeat this in your head if you want to save yourself more heartbreak and humiliation.

Texting someone who has shown you they can live without you will provide a momentary ease for your anxiety, but it won’t fix the relationship.

It certainly won’t bring you the results you want.

Your ex may respond, and you may even get back together. But the relationship will be unequal because your ex, who rejected you, now feels empowered over you.

They won’t respect you because they will believe that you will always chase them, even if they don’t put effort into you or mistreat you.

An ex who left you is not sitting by the phone waiting for your call.

An ex who regrets rejecting you WILL text you first.

If they haven’t done so already, it means they’re happy with their decision and don’t want the relationship back.

It is not your job to convince them otherwise. Your job, when someone makes you feel unwanted and unloved, is to simply leave.

How would they deal with the uncomfortable feelings of losing you if they never feel what it is like not having you around?

And the only way to show them this is through your silence. When their phone is ringing but it isn’t you, they will truly realize if they miss you or not.

If they do – they will reach out and if they don’t, you will have your answer. You will then have to decide if this is a person you want in your life or not.

How to Resist the Urge to Text Your Ex

When you start missing your ex to the extent that reaching out feels beyond your control, take a step back and consider this:

How would a negative answer (or no answer) make you feel?

Do you want your ex to see you as someone miserable, weak, and devastated by the breakup, or as a strong person with high self-worth and confidence who values themselves more than they value their ex?

If you were in your ex’s shoes and someone you cut off texted you, how would that make you feel? Thrilled, excited, and in love? Or rather annoyed and smothered?

If you believe your ex is stubborn, do you really think they could resist never hearing from you again if they truly loved you? And if they could, why would you even want someone like that?

I guarantee you that answering these questions honestly will make you hesitate before reaching out to your ex.

What you can do instead is shift the focus away from them and back onto yourself.

Become determined to heal from the pain of a failed relationship and lose feelings for your ex. As impossible as it may seem right now, it will happen.

And when you no longer have feelings for them, questions like What is my ex doing? Should I text them? will have zero importance to you.

Because you simply won’t care about your ex any more than you would about a stranger on the street.

If you need a detailed guide on how to heal after a breakup, you can find it in my book How to get over anyone in 30 days . It covers the entire breakup process, what both the dumper and the dumped person go through, and the steps that help you detach more quickly and lose romantic feelings for your ex.

Make No Contact Your Only Option

If you don’t want to constantly fight the temptation to reach out to your ex, make it easier for yourself.

Delete their number.
Delete their pictures and chat history.
Remove social apps or mute/unfollow them.
Deactivate your social media for a month or two until the urge to contact them lessens.

It will take several weeks for your brain to detox from the addiction to your ex, but you will be happy you did it when you no longer care whether they reach out or not.

Exes tend to reach out when you least expect it.

But by then, you may be pleasantly surprised to find out that you don’t even want them back anymore.

Check out more articles:

How to not let a breakup destroy you

The perks of being single

What to do if your ex blocked you everywhere

What to do if nothing’s working out in life

How to build your self confidence

How to maintain your power in romantic relationships

TheThinkAbout is a website based on psychology in practice and experience.

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