The Love Commandments

You hear this everywhere:

“Don’t be dependent on your partner!”

“Have your own hobbies and interests!”

“Be self-sufficient!”

“Don’t expect someone else to make you happy!” yada yada yada.

BE EMOTIONALLY INDEPENDENT

This is probably the oldest advice in the history of dating.

Honestly, it deserves to be carved into stone right next to the Ten Commandments.

But here’s the thing: like every cliché, you don’t really understand why it matters until you’ve lived through the results yourself, either thriving because you were independent, or suffering because you weren’t.

So why is it that people are naturally drawn to partners who are secure and emotionally independent, but feel repelled by clinginess, jealousy, and neediness?

That’s what we’re going to break down in this article.

I will give you practical advice how to always keep your sense of self intact.

What Happens When You Become Emotionally Dependent on Your Partner?

When your entire life starts revolving around your relationship, you don’t just “fall in love”, you become enslaved.

Slowly, you begin to lose yourself and the identity you once had before the relationship.

The hobbies that once lit you up don’t interest you anymore. The friends who used to make you laugh? You barely see them.

The only thing that excites you now is him or her.

Your happiness starts depending entirely on their moods.

If they’re joyful, you feel alive. If they seem distracted, distant, or a little unexcited about your presence, you spiral into anxiety.

People slip into emotional dependency for different reasons – insecure attachment styles, childhood trauma, boredom, depression, or even lack of self-confidence.

But whatever the cause, one thing is clear:

Emotional dependency is unhealthy.

It doesn’t pull your partner closer. It repels them.

Here is the brutal truth:

Independence = sexy

Co-dependency = yuck

If you’ve noticed yourself becoming dependent on your partner, that’s your wake-up call. Right now, you’re being reactive to your emotions, instead of proactive in building the emotional independence that keeps love alive.

How to Be Emotionally Independent in a Relationship

Learn to Be Emotionally Cold

Never obsess over your partner.

Never make them the meaning of your life or let your world revolve around them.

You might think this is just you being “deeply emotional,” but 9 times out of 10, your partner feels it as a burden.

Love obsession doesn’t come from love, it comes from insecurity.

A healthy partner won’t enjoy being smothered with affection. Obsessive love only attracts co-dependents, and that’s a recipe for two unhealthy people clinging to each other.

The reason people don’t like being put on a pedestal is simple: it creates expectations. They’ll feel pressured to return the same intensity, even if they can’t.

If you struggle with “loving too much” or feel like you can’t tone it down, it’s time to train yourself how to be a little emotionally cold.

Have Things You’re Passionate About

Why does every relationship coach (including your partner) tell you to have hobbies and interests of your own? Because it makes you:

1. Interesting

2. Powerful and non-needy.

It shows you don’t rely on your partner to entertain you or keep you happy.

When you’re needy, your partner feels you expect them to manage your well-being, because you can’t do it yourself! And that thought leads them to an uncomfortable question:

“If they can’t even make themselves happy, how could they possibly make me happy?”

That’s why you need passions outside the relationship – sports, work, art, side projects, even just being a movie junkie. Anything you’d occasionally choose over spending time with your partner is the right hobby.

Why does this work?

Because when you’re genuinely fulfilled on your own, you send a subtle but powerful message: “I am happy with or without you.”

This makes you extremely attractive because it triggers scarcity.

On a subconscious level, your partner realizes: “If they don’t need me to be happy, they could walk away. I can’t take them for granted.”

Needy = safe, predictable = you won’t ever leave = relaxation = taken for granted

Independent = attractive, valuable, unforgettable

Always Remember: Your Partner May Leave

(and if they do, you’ll be okay)

You and your partner are separate beings.

The idea that “two become one” in a relationship is a myth. A healthy relationship looks more like:

1+1 = 3.

(You, them and the relationship.)

Love and cherish your partner, but never forget you are still your own person.

Tell yourself: “If this ends, I’ll survive. I’ll still be me.”

That mindset kills jealousy and clinging. It keeps your love pure — not based on NEED, but on WANT.

Maintain Balance in the Relationship

Any relationship needs balance to stay fresh and interesting.

• Too much familiarity? You suffocate each other, sparks die, predictability kicks in and you become bored.
• Too much distance? You drift apart, intimacy fades, resentment grows.

To maintain balance you need to consciously balance intense moments or periods of being together with some time apart.

That’s how you build momentum for your next passionate moment.

Example:

If you’ve just had a deep emotional night of sharing secrets, don’t try to repeat it the next day. Let it breathe. Give each other space to reflect, recharge, and miss each other again.

Emotional independence isn’t just good for your relationship – it’s good for you. It builds your mental power and resilience.

Are you struggling with co-dependency and want to learn the secrets of healthy love?

Check out this article:

How to fix anxious attachment style in relationships

If you’re dealing with anxiety, check out these articles:

What makes you feel anxious

Best way to build habits for anxious people

What foods to eat to get rid of anxiety

TheThinkAbout is a website based on psychology in practice and experience.

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