We are no angels

We live in a world full of people.
And people are neither all bad, nor all good.

We’re a messy mix of both.

Not everyone has your best interests at heart. Some people will happily use manipulation to get what they want from you.

If you want to deal with people more smoothly, you’ve got to learn to read their motivations and respond with the right medicine.

Manipulation in a nutshell

Manipulation is a form of influence.

But unlike honest persuasion or negotiation, manipulation is unethical form of influence.

People who use manipulation to reach their goals, target other peoples’ emotions and exploit their feelings, vulnerabilities, or insecurities. This way, they subtly steer the unaware person’s thoughts or choices in the direction that they want.

Think of it like being robbed — except instead of taking your money, someone takes your trust, your confidence, and your power.

As humans, we’re emotional.

This sometimes makes it tricky to spot when we’re being played. And that’s why staying alert matters.

Knowledge is power.

The more you understand why people do the things they do, the better you will be able to protect yourself and neutralise and mirror toxic behaviours back to the offender.

Stay curious, stay sharp, and you’ll always be a step ahead.

One person usually has the upper hand in a relationship

In any relationship, it is the one that is more aware who holds intellectual advantage.

Being aware of somebody’s motives doesn’t mean getting paranoid. But if you can spot sketchy moves before they cost you, you will outsmart a manipulator.

To do that, we need to dive deep into the darker side of human behaviour, often called “dark psychology”.

What is “dark psychology”?

“Dark psychology” is a pop-culture label for a set of techniques and principles, that aim to understand and often manipulate people for harm, control or personal gain.

It isn’t an official scientific field, but it describes real tactics: emotional exploitation, coercion, and other behaviours designed to influence people without their knowledge.

It is important to know that some people – narcissists, sociopaths, or other chronic manipulators, study and apply dark psychology tactics intentionally.

Such people are inherently manipulative, lack empathy, and prioritise their own interests above everyone else’s.

You may find that idea harsh, but some people are simply… born evil.

If you had been hurt by such person, don’t waste your time and energy wishing them to experience the bad they cause on others.

Remember this: people who hurt others are often sad, angry, or miserable themselves. They can’t find happiness within, so they try to take it from others.

There’s karma, and many of them eventually face consequences for what they do.

But the good news is, most people aren’t born villains.

Lots of folks use manipulative techniques unconsciously when they don’t know a better way to express our wants and needs. (If you ever wondered if YOU might be a manipulative person, click here).

That’s what psychology is – studying subconscious human behaviours and revealing patterns, so you can respond smarter.

If you learn to recognise dark psychology tactics, you will get the FAIR advantage to protect yourself from potential harm.

Treat this knowledge as a kind of superpower: it lets you spot manipulation early, block it, and protect your boundaries – without turning into someone cynical or paranoid.

Manipulation Strategies to Watch For

1. Blaming

Blaming is when a manipulator tries to dump responsibility on someone else.

It’s a power move – by making you feel at fault, they position themselves as the “right” one, or the “superior” one.

But constant blame erodes confidence. Over time, it can make you feel inadequate or guilty for things you didn’t even do.

Imagine your partner breaks up with you and says: “You made me miserable – you were NEVER there when I needed you!”

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How to respond to blaming:

If someone blames you, always pause before responding.

Never apologise unless it’s true.

Saying sorry “just in case” teaches them you’ll accept guilt you don’t deserve. By giving in, you encourage manipulative behaviour.

Don’t get defensive.

The only way to expose this manipulation is to ask for details. Request specific examples and evaluate them calmly. Then and only then, if you were wrong, own it. If you weren’t, state plainly that you’re being unfairly accused.

2. Deceit

Often a manipulator will state: “I have never lied to you!”

But deceit takes many forms, not just outright lies.

It’s also exaggerations, fabrications, or even information left out on purpose. Sometimes manipulators don’t tell you what you need to know, because controlling what you see or hear also means controlling how you think.

Deceit can also come out as giving false promises, the manipulator knows they don’t intend to keep.

At its core, deceit is about twisting reality to influence you.

And in relationships, once trust is gone, the bond can’t survive.

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How to respond to deceit:

Stay skeptical and pay attention to whether details line up or if something feels “off.”

Give people the benefit of the doubt, but watch them closely. And remember – trust takes years to build, and seconds to destroy.

Always double – check important info.

Trust your gut when something feels off. Your instincts are a built-in alarm system – don’t ignore them.

Of course, these are not guarantees that someone who already gained your trust, won’t betray you in the future.

But if you catch deceit, confront it. Ask why they misled you, make sure to understand their motivations, and move on.

Deceit makes a relationship unsustainable, since what relationships are based on, is trust.

3. Gaslighting

“Gaslighting” comes from a 1944 movie called Gaslight, where a husband tries to convince his wife she’s losing her mind.

As a manipulation tactic, it’s all about rewriting reality so the other person starts doubting themselves.

Gaslighters do things like:

• Deny the obvious – “That never happened!”
• Minimise your feelings – “You’re always too sensitive!”
• Deflect – “What about the time YOU did X?”
• Shift blame – “YOU made me do it.” “It is YOUR fault.”
• Confuse – provide conflicting information or give statements that are contradictory;
• Question your memory – “That’s not how it happened – you remember it wrong.”
• Feign ignorance – Act like they don’t know or understand what you are talking about

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How to respond to gaslighting:

Trust your experience. If someone keeps invalidating you, that’s a red flag. If you start questioning yourself all the time, that’s a sign you’re being gaslighted.

Keep records of what has been said and done. Journal so you have an objective log and talk to trusted friends or family so you have outside perspectives – they help counter the distortion the gaslighter is trying to do to your perception.

Gaslighting only gets worse in time.

You can’t reason with a gaslighter or use logic to make them stop twisting reality – they are doing it on purpose.

The moment you recognise someone is trying to confuse you, (by confronting with facts and evidence), you should start planning your exit strategy of the relationship.

If you can’t leave (family ties, kids, etc.), emotionally detach and protect yourself.

Don’t argue about “who’s right.” Gaslighters don’t care about your feelings – they care about control.

4. Mind games – exploiting fears and insecurities

A manipulator who wants power, will do their best to find out what you’re not good at. What you fear, what you’re insecure about.

All the buttons that make you react. They’ll keep mental notes and strike below the belt whenever they want to exercise power over you.

Let’s say the manipulator knows you have anger issues. And also that you have a fraught relationship with your mother.

In an argument, you call them on their bad behaviour and they say: “There you go nagging again! Not surprised your own mother hates you!”

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How to respond to mind games:

Realise that you, (like everybody else), have fears and insecurities.

It’s normal to open up about them to your partner, because if you don’t, it’s difficult to build a bond.

What’s not okay is someone weaponising those vulnerabilities against you.

Remember their bad behaviour is on them, not on you.

Don’t feed the game, the moment you engage with a toxic person, you lose.

Don’t defend, explain yourself or get emotional. Be a mirror.

There is a psychological tool called “The drunken fool”.

Imagine you are in a bar and a drunk guy is yelling and cursing at you. You wouldn’t pay attention to him, right?

Now imagine the manipulator is that drunken fool.

You don’t have to do anything else. Just visualise this, and your energy will shift. You will look at them with a slight smile.

When you hold that calm, detached stance, they sense your dominance and feel what they are to you.

Completely unimportant.

5. Stonewalling

Stonewalling happens when someone makes communication impossible, usually during conflict. Instead of working through the issue, they shut down and build a wall between you and them.

It can look like:

• Silent treatment – refusing to talk, leaving messages on read, acting like you don’t exist.
• Physical distance – avoiding eye contact, turning away, or walking out when you try to engage.
• Emotional withdrawal going cold and detached until interacting with them feels awkward and pointless.

Why do people “stonewall?“

Some people struggle to communicate, but that doesn’t excuse them – if they value a healthy relationship, they’ll work on how to deal with conflict.

When it’s intentional, though, stonewalling is about control.

By ignoring you, they want you to feel stressed, guilty, and regretful, so you back down.

The effect on relationships

Whether it’s a romantic relationship or a friendship, stonewalling causes a communication breakdown.

The person who wants to talk gets frustrated, feels rejected and becomes resentful. There is no way conflicts can be solved, which ultimately ends the relationship.

Be aware that this behaviour can have another negative effect on you.

It can also push you to the breaking point.

When you’re shut out long enough, you may experience what’s called “reactive abuse” – lash out, and then feel ashamed afterward.

That reaction benefits the manipulator, because now YOU look like the problem, while you were simply reacting to their bad behaviour!

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How to respond to stonewalling:

Stonewalling is very bad.

It creates distance and destroys the relationship.

The first time you witness this behaviour, address it immediately. Tell them clearly how it makes you feel and ask them not to do it again.

If stonewalling wasn’t intentional and if the person has troubles communicating their feelings, they will make an effort. Work calmly through conflicts if they’re willing.

However, if it continues, simply walk away.

If they dismiss your feelings and keep shutting you out, don’t tolerate it. Choosing control over compromise means they care more about power than the relationship.

Bottom line: don’t waste your time with someone who repeatedly stonewalls you.

6. Love-bombing

”Love-bombing” is a tactic often used by narcissists in the early stages of dating you.

It creates the illusion of an instant, intense bond.

The manipulator overwhelms you with affection, constant messages, attention, gifts, and grand gestures, making you feel unique and adored.

So what’s the problem?

It’s not real love.

How could it be – the person barely knows you. It’s about power.

Love-bombing is dangerous, because it creates an emotional high. Once you’re hooked, they pull back: suddenly they’re distant, critical, or cold. That drastic shift makes you wonder, “What did I do wrong?”

Hot and cold behaviour messes with your brain. You quickly learn that “when it’s good, it’s perfect. When it’s bad, it’s very bad.”

As a result, you are willing to give almost anything the manipulator wants, if they just stop making you feel so bad.

This is how a cycle of abuse begins.

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How to respond to love – bombing:

Remember this if you want a healthy relationship: real love grows slowly.

If you and your partner are a good match, your relationship will deepen naturally.

If someone is showering you with over-the-top affection right away, put the breaks early on. Trust me, you don’t want to catch feelings for your “soulmate” and later find out they are a narcissist.

And check their actions. Love is about giving without strings attached. Love-bombing is about control and creating dependency.

To protect yourself from love-bombing, keep a checklist what a healthy relationship looks like and search for those things in your partner – care, active listening, compassion, empathy, respect.

7. Triangulation

Triangulation is when a manipulator brings a third person into the picture to stir up jealousy and competition.

What does this mean?

Picture your partner casually mentioning how sexy other women are, or brag about being flirted with. And it doesn’t even have to be romantic.

Narcissists will sometimes even shower kids or pets with over-the-top attention right in front of you, while acting like you don’t exist – all just to watch how you react.

The goal is to make you feel insecure while boosting their own value.

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How to respond to triangulation:

You expose triangulation by not reacting at all.

Triangulation is psychological warfare, and it’s a game for two – it only works if you play along.

Act like a “grey rock” – uninterested, unbothered, and impossible to provoke. Change the subject, shrug it off, and don’t give the comment any weight.

Triangulation doesn’t work on people with healthy boundaries and healthy self-esteem. They just wouldn’t care if you thought someone was better then them.

They know their worth and would show you the door.

8. Guilt- tripping

Guilt is one of the most powerful emotional levers, and manipulators know it. They use guilt to bend your behavior to their will.

By making you feel bad about your actions, they make sure you won’t do the thing they don’t want you to do.

Let’s say your girlfriend wants you to come visit her late at night when you are already in bed. She might hit you with: “You are never there for me when I need you!”

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How to respond to guilt-tripping:

First, remind yourself: guilt is a weapon of control.

Someone trying to make you feel bad to get their way is abusing your emotions.

Living with guilt is so bad, some people end their lives to escape such horrible feelings. So when someone uses guilt to manipulate you, they’re not “innocent” – they’re an abuser.

9. Flattery

Flattery is when someone admires, compliments or praises you in order to gain something from you.

Flattery is always manipulative, because unlike genuine compliments, it comes with hidden motives.

The tricky part? Even the smartest people fall for it, because it feels good to be admired. When you’re flattered, you let your guard down, feel special, and become easier to influence.

Manipulators never flatter just to be kind. They flatter to receive.

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How to respond to flattery:

Just take the compliment, smile and say “Thank you” – then move on.

Don’t overthink it, and definitely don’t let it cloud your judgment. When you have solid self-esteem, compliments won’t sway how you see someone’s character.

10. Isolation

Isolation is the perfect breeding ground for manipulation.

Why?

Because once someone takes away your support system – friends, family, community, you’re easier to control.

It can be obvious, like pushing you to move far from home.

Or it can be subtle: discouraging you from seeing friends, criticizing your loved ones, or slowly eroding your outside connections.

Without the people who’d normally spot manipulation and remind you of your worth, you’re left vulnerable.

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How to respond to isolation:

Never give up your family, your friends, or your life for the sake of a partner. Don’t dissolve into someone else’s world. Always keep your own identity, and a Plan B.

Friends and family are your support system and they will always be there for you, if a bad situation happened.

Your partner though, won’t. And if things go bad, you may see a side of them you never imagined possible.

Just look at the countless stories online where people ask, in disbelief, “How could they do this to me??”

If you let someone cut you off from everything you love, you’re setting yourself up for disaster.

11. Devaluing

Devaluing only makes sense when you think about its opposite: idealization.

You wouldn’t care if a stranger told you you are unimportant, right?

But it’s painful being put down by someone who once admired and adored you.

Think of someone :

• criticising all the time,
• minimizing your achievements,
• comparing you to others by setting unrealistic standards,
• excluding you from conversations or events.

The message they send is simple: you are no longer worthy.

The goal is to strip away your self-worth until you feel small and powerless.

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How to respond to devaluing:

Set clear boundaries and make it your mantra: never reward disrespect.

The problem is, devaluing usually starts subtly, with little digs you brush off as:

“Maybe they didn’t mean this”

“Maybe they were in a bad mood”

“Maybe I am overreacting.”

But those “small” comments pile up until you’re drowning in them.

The manipulator’s goal is to feel superior at your expense. The best way to shut this down is the J.A.D.E. technique – which means don’t:

• Justify
• Argue
• Defend
• Explain yourself

By refusing to play their game, you take away the very power they’re trying to steal.

12. Ghosting

“Ghosting” is abruptly cutting all communication without warning or explanation.

Think: no replies to your texts, no returned calls, no acknowledgment in person. They basically treat you as non-existent.

It feels like the person literally became a ghost.

The impact is brutal: ghosting can create deep trust issues and even trauma, because nothing hurts like being treated as invisible.

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How to respond to ghosting:

First of all, take it from someone who’s been on the receiving end of ghosting.

Someone who ghosts you doesn’t deserve a second chance if they later try to come back.

Once you’re sure they’re alive and nothing serious prevented them from responding, stop reaching out. Protect your dignity.

Yes, it hurts.

Ghosting is one of the most serious emotional offenses, and your self-esteem will take a hit. Take time to process your feelings.

Then refocus on yourself and move on.

Ghosting says nothing about your worth, and everything about their inability to handle uncomfortable situations.

Ghosting is really just stonewalling on steroids, often more final.

You can’t ever know for sure if communication has ended for good, which makes it even more destabilizing.

So, your best response? Build your best life. Leave the ghoster behind and don’t look back.

13. Projection

What you see in others is often what you have in yourself.

Read that again.

Think of the cheating spouse who constantly accuses their partner of cheating.

When someone can’t face their own faults, they project them onto you. Suddenly, your bad mood is the problem, your actions are suspicious, your behavior is the issue – when in reality, it’s theirs.

Whatever you say or do, a manipulator will turn it against you. If they had a bad day, they might try to ruin your mood and then say: “Why are you so irritated? You are always so grumpy”.

But you can ask yourself: “Are those feelings mine, or the other person’s?”

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How to respond to projection:

Stay calm. Projection feeds on your emotional reaction.

Instead, ask for specifics: “Can you give me an example of when I did that?” If they can’t provide evidence and keep throwing vague accusations, you’ll know it’s projection. At that point, disengage.

Don’t play defense. Recognize it, name it to yourself, and leave.

14. Dodging the question and Redirecting

When manipulators are cornered with uncomfortable questions, they dodge.

They’ll change the subject, crack a joke, ramble endlessly, or act “confused.” Anything to avoid giving a direct answer, because honesty would make them look bad.

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How to deal when someone dodges your questions:

Don’t give up. Use the broken record technique: politely interrupt them but and redirect the conversation back.

“Yes, but I’ll ask again…”
“That’s interesting, but what I asked was…”

Repeat yourself over and over until they either answer or expose themselves as unwilling to.

15. Testing boundaries

Manipulators rarely start with outright abuse from Day 1. First, they test you.

They’ll push a little – see how much bad behavior you’ll tolerate. And if you don’t push back, they escalate.

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How to respond to boundary-testing:

What does it mean to “set boundaries”?

It’s about setting limits what you will and won’t do, what you will and won’t tolerate.

Healthy people will respect your boundaries without conflict.

Manipulators will try to bend, complain, or guilt you into relaxing them by:

• flat out ignoring them,
• complaining you’re “unreasonable” or “ridiculous”
• asking you to break it “just this once”.

Remember, boundaries are about you valuing yourself, your time, your energy and your money.

You have every right to be assertive on something you believe is right. If you struggle with assertiveness, check this article.

16. Playing hard to get

Of all manipulation tactics, “playing hard to get” is the most socially accepted – sometimes even playful.

People often do it in their dating strategy, even when they genuinely like the other person.

By acting slightly less available, the manipulator creates “scarcity,” which makes them seem more desirable. The push-pull dynamic can create urgency and make you chase harder.

But make no mistake: it’s still a manipulation of behavior.

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How to respond to hard-to-get games:

Although playing hard to get in a relationship adds a certain thrill, the antidote is simple: stop playing.

Disangage.

Don’t chase, don’t shower them with compliments, and don’t over-invest. Instead, redirect your attention to other people or things you find interesting. Show them that they, are not one of these things.

Because here’s the truth: there’s no such thing as “mixed signals” when someone genuinely likes you.

If they want you, they’ll make it clear.

Hot-and-cold behavior means one of two things: they’re unsure about you, or they’re playing games to gain control. Either way, the cure is the same – disengage, and let them reveal their real feelings.

Outsmarting Manipulators Takes a Simple Strategy

The tactics above are your go-to kit for beating manipulators at their own game.

As long as you:

• stay calm,
• have confidence,
• protect your self respect,
• stick firmly to your boundaries and
• stay ready to walk away from anyone who disrespects you…

…you’ll always stay one step ahead.

Manipulators are just weak people who rely on tricks because they can’t succeed on their own.

Once you realize that, you’ll see that you hold the real power. And once you feel that power, you’ll never hand it over again.

Want to dive deeper?

Check out these related articles:

Sings your ex was a narcissist

Signs you may be a manipulator

How to build rock solid self confidence

How to teach yourself to be assertive

How to develop a cold personality

TheThinkAbout is a website based on psychology in practice and experience.

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