An Engagement Breakup With a Twist

Last year, my friend Steven broke off his engagement just a week before Christmas.

He and his fiancée had been high school sweethearts, together for years, and were supposed to marry in June. But one night, he found out she was cheating. For Steven, she was “the love of his life.”

He was devastated. Honestly, it was painful to even look at him in the months that followed. He was crushed.

But here’s the thing: the same night he found out, Steven packed his things, booked a hotel, and moved out. He never called, begged or pleaded her to talk or get back together.

Instead Steven chose to do something else.

Over the next 6 months, he focused on himself. He lost weight, stopped drinking and got into perfect shape. He’d always been nervous about driving.

But at 35, post-breakup, he bought his very first car.

Fast forward a year, and Steven is living with his new girlfriend.

They’re already looking to buy a place together, and I’ve never seen him happier or more fulfilled.

Why Breakups Hurt So Much

Breakups are one of the hardest things you’ll ever face in life.

Don’t let anyone dismiss your pain with: “Egh, it’s just a breakup? You’ll get over it!”

Yes, you WILL get over it, but that doesn’t mean what you’re feeling now isn’t real, intense, and valid. The sadness, anger, anxiety, frustration, even the emptiness – none of that makes you weak or desperate. It just makes you human.

You built a connection with someone. You fell in love, invested your time and energy, and imagined a future together.

You adapted parts of your lifestyle, maybe even your personality, to fit the relationship. You had vision how life is going to be together and prepared for the next couple of years in your life. You got used to daily validation, and comfort from your partner, often without even realizing it.

All of this created a strong attachment.

And when that bond is suddenly broken, your brain reacts almost like it’s going through withdrawal. That’s why it feels like you’ve lost a part of yourself – because in some ways, you did.

Nobody Is Ever the Same After a Breakup

When you’re in a relationship, you build a little world together – inside jokes, pet names, daily texts, weekend routines, even their friends who slowly become yours.

And then, suddenly, after a breakup – poof. It’s all gone.

Good morning messages – gone, pet names – gone, Friday nights with “your” group…no more. A breakup abruptly ends so many of your routines and rips away a primary source of happiness – your partner.

Humans don’t like change.

A breakup forces you to face a new reality you didn’t ask for, one filled with uncertainty. And uncertainty naturally brings up fear, anxiety, and resistance. We like to know what will happen.

And breakup forces you to change.

You Are Not Alone in Your Misery

If your heart feels broken right now and your self-esteem is shattered, you’re not alone. Couples break up every day.

Here are some statistics:

• 70% of couples break up within the first year of their relationship;
• 60% of couples end up getting back together at least once;
• 60% of couples between ages 25–39 eventually divorce;
• 21% of couples have broken up and reunited more than once;
• 58% of people in the U.S. say their breakups were messy or dramatic;
• 59% of people stay connected with their ex on social media;
• 71% admit they think about their ex too often after the breakup.

Do you feel a bit better now?

How to Start Recovering After a Breakup

The very first thing you need to do when a breakup happens is, to feel the feelings.

Those feelings of sadness, anxiety, anger and emptiness, will hit you sooner or later, so it’s best to not avoid them and prolong the process. There is no universal timeline for healing, so it is best to not set yourself any deadlines like: “I’m gonna move on by the end of this month, in 3 months or on January 1st”. Getting yourself back together is not a straight line, but a bumpy road, full of potholes.

You’ll have good days when you barely think of your ex and feel a bit lighter… and then out of nowhere, a bad day will hit where they’re all you can think about.

Both are part of the process. Both are normal. And you can’t really do much about it.

But you can make choices to prevent the pain of a breakup from turning into long-term suffering.

1. Don’t add salt to the wound

After a breakup, you’re overwhelmed with pain.

While pain is a nasty state to be in, wallowing in it can be oddly comforting.

Instead of doing things that might help, like dressing up, getting outside, or focusing on self-growth, you might find yourself leaning into self-destructive habits. There is something morbidly satisfying in binge drinking, chain-smoking, isolating yourself or endlessly stalking your ex online hoping for a reconnection. I get it.

But you need to be aware that wallowing in pain can be extremely dangerous. While it feels satisfying in the moment, those habits will only make you feel worse and stretch out your suffering.

Imagine you are sick with cough.

Instead of drinking tea, taking vitamins, and resting, you smoke a pack of cigarettes a day.

What happens?

At best, you stay sick longer. At worst, you make yourself a whole lot worse.

Post-breakup behaviors work the same way. If you spend every night getting drunk or stay in pajamas all day hiding from the world, you’re not only exhausting your body, you’re piling misery on top of heartbreak.

Think about it: you would have felt bad if you engaged in those behaviors every day, even if the breakup didn’t happen!

Now imagine the double damage you’re doing to yourself when you add a breakup on top of it.

2. Devalue your ex and realise they are not that special

Repeated thoughts become beliefs.

Scrolling through your ex’s photos, rereading old messages, checking their social media, or listening to sad songs may feel comforting, but all it does is reinforce the idea that your ex was irreplaceable.

By thinking:

1. “My ex was so valuable that my life is incomplete without them,”
and
2. “I lost someone I can never replace”,

you are allowing the breakup to mentally and physically destroy you.

I want you to realise that you don’t feel bad because your ex was inherently special.

You feel bad because your brain was addicted to the dopamine hits of love, protection, and validation your ex gave you.

After a breakup, no matter how long you dated, you will suffer from separation anxiety. That means that regardless if your ex was good or bad for you, you will feel withdrawal symptoms. But this is your brain playing tricks on you.

You’re attached, and now that attachment has been severed. But here’s the catch: the breakup proves they weren’t “perfect” for you! Believing myths like “The One” or “my soulmate”, hijacks your mind and prevents you from moving on. See how the myth of “The one” can let you form false beliefs about love.

Think about it this way:

If your ex was truly perfect and loved you equally, why would you break up in the first place?

The way to neutralize the negative emotions post-breakup is: do the right things and avoid doing the wrong things.

Sounds too simple, isn’t it? Because it is.

A breakup can either destroy you or push you to lengths you never imagined

Breakups are painful, but they’re just a breakup.

This is probably something that you don’t want to hear right now, but you will get over your ex. In fact, getting over the person is the easiest part. All that you need to do is stick to No contact and let enough time pass.

Remember someone who rejected you before your current ex? Do you care for them right now? I bet you don’t give a *** about what’s happening with them right now, and you might even be annoyed that I mentioned it.

What’s more problematic is what happens between the breakup and truly getting over it.

Breakups are so nasty, because they often trigger all kinds of old traumas, childhood fears and wounds and thus directly impact our self-esteem and sense of self-worth.

Without managing these properly, they can leave long-term effects like:

• a drinking or a drug problem
• inability to open up
• trust issues
• anger issues
• social anxiety, etc.

A breakup can rob you of the ability to enjoy life for a long time and make future relationships difficult, even with the right partners.

You could continue to suffer from these “side effects” long after your feelings for your ex have faded.

Luckily, (like everything in life), the coin has two sides.

Breakups can also transform your life in incredible ways.

Remember what my friend Steven did?

Breakup pain is the biggest motivator for change

For humans, change only happens when there’s a push.

A breakup can hit so hard that you may feel it’s impossible to continue your life without making huge, dramatic changes.

Whether it’s improving your self-esteem, expanding your social life, losing weight, or advancing in your career, the truth is: the moment after a breakup has never been more perfect for transformation!

The power is in your hands to turn this breakup into the best thing that ever happened to you. In fact, breakup pain can be such a strong motivator that, in just three months, you could accomplish things you’ve been putting off for years.

Right now, I want you to thank your ex – for forcing you to start the biggest change of your life.

I promise, soon you’ll realize how this breakup was a blessing in disguise and see the mysterious ways the universe works in your favor.

Did a breakup push you to make a life-changing decision?
Share your story in the comments!

If you need a complete guide on how to get over any ex faster than ever, get my ebook How to get over your ex in 30 days.

Also check:

Does No contact with your ex really work?

How to resist the urge to text your ex

What to do if your ex wants you back?

How exactly to get a second chance with your ex

TheThinkAbout is a website based on psychology in practice and experience.

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