What Breakup Pain Feels Like

A bad breakup brings with it a storm of horrifying feelings-anger, sadness, distress, despair, and sometimes ultimate depression.

It can feel like the world is ending.

As if everything has been erased by an apocalypse, leaving only you behind. You’re left with a crushing sense of doom, convinced that no one else will ever come along, and that loneliness will last forever.

There’s a short story by Soviet science fiction writer Sever Gansovsky, called Runaway. (Побег).

In a bleak future, criminals are punished by being teleported back to Earth’s distant past, when the planet was still young and desolate. The story follows one man’s final days as he wanders along an endless ocean shore, enduring the worst punishment imaginable: Existential loneliness.

A breakup can feel exactly like that.

The Reason You Take So Long to Recover from a Breakup

One of the biggest reasons a breakup hurts so much is the belief that you’ve lost something that can never be found again.

Movies, romance novels, music, and mass media push the idea that there’s “One” person out there for you – your soulmate, your other half, the only one who can ever make you happy.

Because of this false belief, you may dwell on a breakup long after you and your ex are out of each other’s lives.

I want to help you realize this isn’t true.

Breakup pain is inevitable, but suffering is a state of mind.

Once you stop believing in “The One,” recovery becomes possible. You free yourself from the mental prison of your ex and open your eyes to other people again.

If you still believe you’ve lost your “One,” here’s an exercise:

I want you to write down the names of all your exes, or just the people you were once, very much in love with. Now, look at that list. What feelings do those names stir up today?

My guess would be: absolutely nothing. Each of those people you once labeled as “The One” now probably makes you think: “Yeah, what did I know then?”

Why? Because as soon as the breakup happened and you met someone new who sparked equal feelings of love and infatuation, your previous “One” vanished from your heart and memory!

It might not sound so poetic but “The One” does not exist.

It is the feelings that matter, and not the actual person.

I once asked a boyfriend about his last great love and how he got over her.

He said it wasn’t her he missed- it was the way he felt when he was with her. That floored me. The feeling? I thought he was shallow, while I was the deep one, because my inner voice screamed:

“But everybody is UNIQUE! And it’s such a tragedy to lose this person because you’ll never, ever find someone like that again.

I lost my soulmate. Which means I lost my only chance at happiness. Life as well might be over, because what’s the point in living miserably?”

Relationships Are Not About Who He/She Is, but About Who Both of You Are

Here is the truth: you clicked so well with a person because:

they fullfiled your psychological needs,
you liked the same things,
shared the same hobbies,
and had similar views on life.

But the relationship existed because you were part of it too.

What made it special wasn’t just them – it was the way both of your personalities interacted. You may think you’re grieving the person, but in truth, what you’re missing is the connection you once had.

It’s Not About Their Qualities

It’s natural to think after a breakup: “I’m never gonna find out someone like this again!”, because you lost something meaningful to you.

But it’s not about them – it’s about compatibility. Compatibility is complex and multi-layered, and there are likely many people in the world with whom you could build a loving, happy relationship.

This is why you get so angry when people say, “You will find someone better!”

Inside, you’re screaming: “Look, you don’t get it, I don’t want anyone else – I want THIS person because they were the One!!”

After a breakup, you become “temporarily blind”. Other people might be smarter, better looking, or even more aligned with your values, but they feel like strangers. Your ex feels familiar, and that familiarity clouds everything.

You don’t know if you’re gonna click so well with another person.

Uncertainty about the future convinces you that you’ll NEVER find someone else who makes you feel the same.

But that’s an arrogant thought. You’re not all-knowing. You can’t predict the future, you can’t even know what tomorrow brings. So there’s no logical basis for declaring you’ll never love again.

Think back, didn’t you have the exact same thoughts after your previous breakup? And yet, someone else came along.

Probably you won’t find someone with the exact same qualities as your ex.

But you will meet someone with a different set of qualities, a unique mix that may be just as attractive, maybe even more.

You Are Not Who You Were 10 Years Ago

People change and evolve throughout their lives.

What feels like a perfect match at one point, might not be the same years later. Often, our next partner is nothing like our last one, because each breakup reshapes us into a different version of ourselves.

As we change, our psychological needs and relationship criteria shift too.

Let’s say you were once drawn to “bad boys.”

You fell for someone with that edge. But after living through the fallout, those same qualities now leave a bitter taste. What you once found exciting may now feel repulsive!

Chances are, your next partner will be their complete opposite.

That’s why the idea of a single, unchanging soulmate doesn’t match the reality of human growth.

It’s Not “The One”, It’s Work, Compromise, and Tolerance to make a relationship work

Luckily, life isn’t a movie. It’s more practical, more imperfect, and better for it. You will be happy again, and you will love again. When people say, “What is meant to happen will find it’s way”, here’s what it really means:

For a relationship to be sustainable, it requires yours and your partner’s effort. Your so-called “One” isn’t someone who magically aligns with you in every way, it’s someone willing to put in the work alongside you.

So if you’re grieving right now, remember this:

Relationships exist only because of the commitment of both people.

If your partner chose to stop working on it – whether because they changed, you changed, or your lives no longer aligned, then they weren’t your “One.” They were simply the right person for that particular chapter of your life.

And when you realize that, you may look back and think: “I am so happy that didn’t work out.”

Why the “Perfect Soulmate” Is a Fantasy

When people talk about finding “The One,” they imagine one perfect person who’s perfectly suited for them. You just have to find each other, and everything will fall into place.

But really – do you see how naive that is?

Real relationships are built on understanding, compromise, and effort. They’re not about sticking around when it’s easy and walking away when things get hard.

You didn’t lose your “One.”

You are going to feel happy and fullfilled again. And you’ll see this breakup as part of a bigger, richer journey, with just a bit of pain along the way.

Okay, that was nice. But tell me how to be single right now?

How do I not regret breaking up with my ex?

How to not let a breakup destroy you

How to be less invested in a new relationship

How do I convince my ex to give me a second chance?

TheThinkAbout is a website based on psychology in practice and experience.

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