Have you obsessed over your partner’s ex?

My friend Beth is the kind of woman who obsesses over her partner’s exes.

She goes full detective mode:

How many girlfriends did he have?

How long were they together?

Which one was his best relationship?

Why did they break up?

Would he go back if he could?

What made it his best relationship?

Then she finds this girl on social media and obsesses over the fact that she’s better than Beth – either more beautiful or smart or interesting.

She compares herself, and spirals into:

“I, on the other hand – am not that special.”

Sound familiar? Let’s dig into why we do this – and how to stop.

The real reason why you put people on a pedestal

Idolizing people has deep roots in psychology.

Psychology calls the tendency to idolize and admire people “hero worship.”

There are several factors for it:

• Inspiration – When you admire someone’s qualities and achievements, it motivates you to embody the same qualities to help you reach your goals.

• Escapism – When you admire somebody, you feel excitement, and it distracts you from routine and boredom.

• Escalation of commitment – When you start admiring someone, you become increasingly invested in them, sometimes to the point of obsession. This phenomenon is called “escalation of commitment.”

• Evolution – Evolution has played a big role in your brain idolizing other people. By admiring people who are better than you, you learn and adapt to the environment.

Now that you understand the reasons why you fall into the idolization trap, let’s take a look at why you don’t benefit from it and why it’s a waste of your time and energy.

When you idolize somebody, your brain automatically creates a comparison:

“This person is GREAT. This means that I’m not that great.”

Your self-esteem takes a toll, and you get into a bad mood and become depressed.

How to Stop Idolizing People

Solution number 1

Understand that everything is about perception.

While you see another person as beautiful, intelligent, etc., they may see themselves as mediocre. Be rational : if they were perfect, everybody would’ve liked them. But in fact, this is not true!

The less you know about somebody, the more likely your brain will try to fill the gaps.

They may be boring as hell, but because they don’t talk much, you could be attributing to them imaginary qualities – such as wits, depth, sophistication, etc.

Solution number 2

Stop following them.

IIt’s that simple. Stop paying attention to them. They are not objectively better than you.

Subjectively, it’s YOU who puts them higher than they should be.

Once you realize this, you’re going to be amazed at how you voluntarily let yourself be fooled. Someone else’s life isn’t interesting. It is your life and the world around you that are far more interesting and exciting.

Take your power back. Shift the attention to yourself.

Solution number 3

Examine if you’re bored.

Persistent boredom can be the main reason for stress and anxiety. When you’re not engaged or fulfilled enough, your mind may focus on negative thoughts.

If you are feeling bored right now, don’t stay in this state. Instead, check this article on How to make your life interesting and exciting.

Instead of mindlessly scrolling through somebody’s Instagram page, indulge in what you like – even if it’s unproductive. Gaming or binge-watching series is much better than wasting time idolizing somebody else, because you’re engaging with yourself and your likes.

Solution number 4

Build your own identity.

What makes you admire certain people and not others, is that you perceive them as standing out from the crowd. Have you wondered how some people have the reputation of attracting the opposite gender with ease, while they, in fact, seem mediocre?

It is only because those people are focused on their identity and not on other people’s identity! They don’t need external validation.

The more self-focused, independent, and aloof you are, the more power you project.

The more certain you are of what you like and what you are capable of, the less likely you will idolize other people. (See also – the secrets of charismatic people).

Solution number 5

Raise your self-confidence.

The underlying reason that you idolize people is not because they are better, but because your confidence is low.

Luckily, I have an easy solution for you. Read this article – How to develop a rock-solid self-confidence.

Solution number 6

Develop critical thinking skills.

Understand why you idolize people.

You don’t admire somebody because they are objectively better than anyone else. You do because they posses qualities that you don’t have but that you want and need.

As soon as you develop those qualities yourself, you will realize that the person doesn’t matter – it’s those qualities that you want to have!

You will then automatically lose interest in this person.

You can reprogram your brain to work for you and not against you

The above listed techniques are guaranteed to switch your attention from imaginary idols back to yourself.

The science of rewiring your brain to adopt new ways of thinking is called neuroplasticity. It is entirely possible to change how your brain thinks through psychological techniques and exercises.

In this article, I’m talking about how involuntarily formed, wrong subconscious beliefs can make you miserable, and how you can change that.

Want to learn more?

See How to stop feeling powerless

or How to stay motivated

How to tell if someone’s lying to you based on science

Learn to read anybody like a book

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