Why Having a Crush Is Utterly Pointless

You know the feeling of getting so excited about a specific person, to the point where you think about them ALL the time?

As a teenager, I used to have a crush, after a crush, and then another crush.

There was always someone occupying my mind. Crushing on somebody gave me something to focus on and dopamine hits every time I thought of this person.

But you know what? Because they were so perfect in my head, I never approached them or even shown them any interest. As a result, I never got into a relationship with any of those guys I had a really bad crush on, as I’m sure is the reality of most people.

I lost valuable time before I realized having crushes is utterly pointless.

If you wonder why the people you like so much NEVER reciprocate, but it is always those that you don’t notice that get interested, this article might be just for you.

You may be addicted to the feeling of wanting somebody, but as soon as you get him/her… you will feel disinterested again.

If you project all kinds of qualities onto another person, like being special, unique, and interesting, you may feel bored with real life. (See other unexpected reasons why people develop crushes and why you should stop doing it.)

The real problem with crushes is that they rarely go beyond the infatuation stage.

Let me tell you a story:

My colleague Beverly had a really bad crush on her colleague Steve.

They flirted on socials every day after work. She was daydreaming about him all the time.

She overanalyzed everything that happened through the day- from how many times their eyes met, to how he synced his lunch break with hers, to him offering her ice cream, etc.

Beverly kept anticipating the day Steve would finally get the courage to ask her out.

This went on for many months.

She was convinced he was just shy, so she tried “encouraging” him by keeping eye contact, making ambiguous remarks on topics like dating and relationships, and stating it clear she was single.

Those longing looks kept going, but the invitation never came.

And Beverly became more and more obsessed with Steve.

Some days she was on cloud nine, convinced Steve felt the same towards her. Then on other days, when he wasn’t in the office, she would get uncertain and obsess over him even more.

One night, Beverly was so anxious that things weren’t progressing, she finally got the courage to message Steve and confess her feelings.

Can you guess what happened?

He had a girlfriend.

Beverly lost so much time crushing on someone she basically didn’t know.

What Happens If You Have a Crush on Someone for Too Long

You start building an image in your head of who they are, without really knowing them.
You stop noticing other potential partners.
The more you think about them, the more you intensify your own feelings.
You put your life on pause, hyper-focused on them instead of moving forward.
Your mood starts to fluctuate depending on how they treat you in the moment.
You may even lose interest in many of your hobbies.
You can waste months, and sometimes years, not dating real people.
And in the end, you often miss the chance of having an actual relationship with your crush, (which is the only way to find out if you’re actually compatible.)

How to get rid of romantic feelings for your crush

Ask them out

Asking your crush out might seem scary, maybe even the last thing you want to do, but it’s necessary.

When you like somebody, you either need to do something about it or let it go. If you don’t act, you’ll just keep obsessing over them. This is only going to prolong your misery.

You gain absolutely nothing from crushing on someone in secret and never making a move. So what’s the worst that could happen? They reject you?

If they do, at least you’ll know right away, before you’ve developed deeper feelings for them and wasted more of your valuable time!

So really, there are only two outcomes here:

You ask them out and they say yes – you get together with the one you like.

You ask them out and they say no – you spend a day or to fixing your broken ego and then you move on.

The biggest reason why people carry a crush for YEARS, is that they keep the hope alive. They close themselves off from everyone else, ignoring real opportunities to date, because they’ve convinced themselves this person is “The One” (See why finding the One is a myth and a false belief).

Once that false hope is gone, once you accept your crush doesn’t reciprocate, you’ll move on much faster and start noticing other potential partners again.

Get to know your crush

Crushes are about 90% based on false or exaggerated perceptions of the other person.

To ground yourself, you need to know this person for the real “them”. Be absolutely sure they have plenty of traits you don’t find attractive at all. It’s very easy to put someone on a pedestal when you don’t actually know them.

Why?

When many things about a person are unclear, your mind fills in the gaps by attributing imaginary qualities.

You might think the girl from the shop with the cute smile is smart, witty, compassionate, and caring. But reality could be completely different. She could be lazy, messy, have poor hygiene, lack self-awareness, take everything personally, be insensitive or too blunt, not very intellectually bright, rude, judgmental, nagging, or constantly need to be the center of attention!

When you take the time to actually get to know them, you’ll see they’re just a normal human being, and relating to them becomes much easier.

Cease all contact and remove them from social media

When you develop a crush, you fall into a habit of thinking about them constantly and seeking them out, either online or in real life.

You find yourself obsessively checking if they’ve posted something on Facebook, if they’re online right now, if they messaged you, or if they’ve looked at your profile.

This little rush of excitement and euphoria makes them all you can think about. It feels so intoxicating and good that you can’t help but make them the central focus of your life.

To break that habit of chasing the adrenaline rush every time you see them, you need to cut all contact. Out of sight, out of mind.

Delete them from your socials.

And if you think that won’t be enough to resist the temptation, temporarily deactivate your profiles.

If you can, change your scenery – go on vacation, or at least get away for a couple of days.

A new environment clears your head and helps you feel better. When you’re crushing on someone, you create a strong mental bond, and the only way to break it is to abruptly stop feeding it.

Stop talking about them with your friends. Stop seeking them out.

And if it’s appropriate, ask them out. If they reject you, don’t be afraid to cut off communication completely. If they want to stay friends, be honest: tell them it’s not possible right now and completely detach.

Staying friends with someone you have romantic feelings for only keeps false hope alive – and makes it impossible to truly get over them.

Reminisce about past crushes

Do you remember your previous crush?

Are you still obsessed with them now?

I’m guessing not!

In fact, you may even look back and wonder how you could have been so hooked on him or her, especially if they had pretty average looks, personality, or wits.

Now try this exercise: make a list of all your previous crushes.

Do you notice a pattern? What do these people have in common that made you fall so hard for them?

The thing is – you lost romantic feelings for every one of those people, as soon as your next crush came along.

Find another crush

Which brings us to the last one…just find another crush.

If you’ve got a really bad crush on somebody but being together is totally out of the question, one last solution is to redirect your feelings somewhere else.

That’s how crushes work – you become hyper-focused on one person. But if you think back to your past crushes, you’ll realize that as soon as you met someone new who sparked similar feelings, the old crush completely disappeared.

It’s almost weird, isn’t it?

Each time you have a crush, you convince yourself they’re The One.

But do you even remember your last “One”?

Why you don’t have to worry that they were “The One”

Every person who’s in love right now will say: “Yes, I’ve been in love before but never like this!”

And they mean it, because as time goes by, our memories of past romances fade. That makes it easier to focus on the intensity of current emotions when falling in love again.

Each person we fall for is unique, with their own personality, traits, and quirks.

And every time we fall in love, our bodies go through powerful neurochemical processes, very similar to what happens in substance addiction.

When we meet someone new, there’s also the novelty factor – discovering someone different. That freshness makes every experience of falling in love feel like the first time.

How did you get over your crush? Share your story below. If you need more detailed advice on How to get over anyone in just 30 days, get the ebook here.

How to not regret breaking up with someone

Why there is no “the One”

The benefits of being single

How to be less invested in a relationship

TheThinkAbout is a website based on psychology in practice and experience.

Like the articles? Subscribe to never miss anything.