“I met the ONE!”

One day, a friend of mine called me sounding absolutely thrilled:

“I have the most interesting story to tell you!

So I’ve met a guy….Actually he is someone I’ve been seeing for years in all kinds of random places. On my way to work, at the gym, in the park… Somehow we always end up in the same spot.

I researched him and I know where he’s from, where he studies, we have so much in common! This can’t be a coincidence. It must be fate bringing us together!”

“Oh, nice! So…did you try talking to this guy?”

“No, my God, I could never do that. I feel so embarrassed. But I’ve added him on Facebook. One time I even wished him Happy birthday on his wall…but we’ve never introduced ourselves.”

“So, why don’t you just ask him out for a coffee?”

“No, that would be so stalkerish!

But, Oh my god, so I saw him today at the bus stop, and our eyes met (………)”

So when I asked her if she liked this boy, she said, “Very much, yes.” But when I asked her if she would go on a date with him, she said she couldn’t possibly do that.

And then she got excited again talking for hours about how faith was trying to send her a sign.

Do you see the problem here?

How Does Having a Crush Feel?

Having a crush in your teenage years is common, but it can happen at any age. In fact, almost every relationship begins with some kind of infatuation.

But a crush? That’s like taking those same feelings multiplying them by 100.

Here’s what it feels like:

• You think about them ALL the time.
• You get butterflies in your stomach.
• Your heart rate races every time you see or talk to them.
• You daydream endlessly, imagining every possible scenario together.
• You overanalyze every single interaction you’ve ever had.
• You look forward to any chance of running into them.
• You feel intensely nervous and shy around them.
• You put them on a pedestal, seeing them as “above” you.
• You assign them imaginary qualities that may not even exist.
• You ride an emotional rollercoaster of highs and lows.
• You follow everything they do – in real life or on social media.

Why Do We Develop Crushes?

Being infatuated with someone is completely normal.

We feel drawn to people because we find them physically appealing, admire their personality traits, or notice shared hobbies and interests that spark a sense of connection.

But when those feelings become overwhelming, there are often deeper reasons behind why crushes form.

Such a reason may be boredom.

When your brain isn’t engaged in something meaningful, it looks for stimulation. A crush can serve as a mental escape, a way to break the monotony of daily life.

A crush gives you something to focus on and makes your dull routine much more interesting.

Research shows that when people feel bored or have excess free time, they’re more prone to daydreaming and fantasizing about idealized relationships.

This can lead to developing crushes on individuals they find interesting, attractive, or intriguing.

A crush is ofren a distraction from other things bothering you at the moment.

Sometimes it is less about attraction and more about avoidance. Shifting your attention to something pleasant as obsessing over a crush is your brain avoiding to think about the real problem.

This might not sound pleasant to hear, but if you catch a pattern of constantly developing one crush after another, it might mean you are emotionally unavailable.

What does this mean?

Emotionally unavailable people have a hard time forming or maintaining deep, lasting connections. They find it difficult to express their emotions or be vulnerable in relationships and have a fear of intimacy.

Some emotionally unavailable people develop crushes on others instead of pursuing real relationships. Because crushes are essentially an idealized perception of the other person, they create the illusion of intimacy.

The feelings we experience when we have a crush are intense and exciting, but they don’t require commitment.

Being emotionally unavailable can make you want to maintain emotional distance as a defense mechanism, protecting yourself from hurt or rejection. This allows you to enjoy the attraction and infatuation without the need to ACTUALLY interact with the other person!

For similar reasons, people develop crushes on unavailable people.

The idea of pursuing someone unattainable or forbidden creates a powerful sense of longing and desire. If you notice a pattern of being smitten by people who are taken, not attracted to your gender, or simply not interested, and feel bored when someone shows genuine interest in you – it could indicate that you might be a love addict.

On a subconscious level, you may not want a stable relationship because you’re addicted to the thrill of needing love and the uncertainty of receiving it.

What is “Limerence”?

Limerence is a term used to describe an intense emotional state of infatuation, often accompanied by obsessive thoughts about another person.

The concept was introduced by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s in her book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love.

When someone experiences limerence, they become consumed by thoughts and feelings about the object of their desire. They idealize this person, seeing them as nearly perfect and attributing exceptional qualities to them.

It’s important to note: limerence is not the same as love. Yet it can be so intense that it hijacks a person’s thoughts and influences their behavior, sometimes to an extreme degree.

Infatuation in limerence can trigger a variety of physical and emotional responses, such as:

• increased heart rate,
• daydreaming,
• loss of appetite,
• and a sense of euphoria when you are with, or even think about, your crush.

Why limerence can be painful

If limerence spirals out of control, it can become obsessive and, in rare cases, even lead to stalking.

Why You Should Stop Obsessing Over a Crush

Sometimes, reality can feel too dull and ordinary.

It might be tempting to escape into a fantasy world, indulging in feelings of excitement about being with your dream boyfriend or girlfriend.

But the problem is, the more you feed a crush, the harder it becomes to actually connect with that person in real life.

Here’s why:

First, you put this person on a pedestal and attribute perfect qualities to them without truly knowing them.

This often leads to feeling unworthy of their attention. Even if you have the chance to interact, you may feel shy, nervous, or awkward.

Like my friend above, you start acting completely awkward and out of character, to a point where it gets impossible to have a basic conversation.

How can you show your sense of humour or impress a person with your wits, if your brain is busy overthinking every single word they say?

When a person feels you are abnormally interested in them, (especially when you don’t know each other well), they automatically put their guard up.

They start asking themselves questions like:

“Why do they want me so much?”

“Are they out of options?”

“Why are they so desperate?”

Then they pull back and start avoiding you.

The more you mystify their persona, the harder it becomes to approach them in real life.

Obsessing over a crush prevents you from getting to know the real person and then find out if you really like them or not.

When you are overly fixated on somebody you are not even dating, you stop noticing other potential partners and you may end up wasting your time.

Last but not least, obsessing over a crush could be because you are currently dealing with some problems in your life, you don’t want to deal with. However, it’s necessary that you fix those because avoiding your problems rarely works.

Having a crush gives you a huge dopamine hit but also creates a rollercoaster of emotions.

You may feel excitement, happiness, nervousness, and anticipation, but also anxiety, fear of rejection, and uncertainty. These feelings can fluctuate and intensify over time, draining your energy and affecting your mental health.

To avoid feeling powerless and letting your emotions get out of control, it’s essential to learn how to stop obsessing over people and reclaim your power.

If a crush has rejected you, check out How to get over your ex in 30 days for guidance.

Want to know more?

How to avoid developing crushes

Signs a guy likes you when you’ve just met

Why you suddenly get depressed without a reason

What to do if your ex blocks you after a breakup

TheThinkAbout is a website based on psychology in practice and experience.

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