Relationships aren’t perfect

Relationships can be tough.

Don’t trust anyone who tells you otherwise. If you’re single right now and it feels like everyone around you is floating in some picture-perfect relationship, there are two things you should know.

First: relationships are never as flawless as they look.

Social media is all about showing off the highlight reel – cute selfies, vacations, matching outfits.

What you don’t see are the arguments, the dull routines, the boredom, or the quiet struggles every couple faces. Don’t be fooled by the Instagram smiles and shared Facebook profiles. Relationships are layered, messy, and chances are, you aren’t seeing the full picture.

Second: relationships take work.

At first, it’s easy – you meet, fall head over heels, and float through a blissful honeymoon phase where everything feels perfect.

But eventually the infatuation fades, and that’s when the real test begins: learning how to live with your partner and not kill each other in the process.

I once read something that stuck with me:

“People think a soulmate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants.

But a true soulmate is a mirror – the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.”

If you feel like you ruined a relationship you’re not ready to walk away from, don’t despair. More often than not, that’s actually a good thing.

Why?

Because now you have a chance to grow.

Life has a way of handing us the lessons we most need to learn, usually right when we need them.

Say you’ve got anger issues. Maybe you’re generally kind and good-hearted, but your impatience comes out sharp and leaves people feeling like you’re harsh. We don’t need to assume your ex was some saint – chances are, they did things that triggered your frustration too.

But in the end, it was your attitude that pushed the relationship over the edge.

Why You Should Ask Your Ex for a Second Chance

Here’s an unpopular opinion.

Even though it’s ridiculously easy these days to land a date, or even slide into a relationship, I believe you only fall in real love two or three times in your entire life.

If you’re lucky.

The problem with dating apps and modern dating culture is that they feed into instant gratification. They make people feel disposable. You don’t even have to leave your house to meet real people – just swipe left or right, chat for an hour, and if anything rubs you the wrong way, you can simply jump to the next person.

Hooking up on a first date? Easier than ever.

And the problem with that is it makes people lazy.

They get into relationships thinking they don’t need to put in much effort, because hey, there’s always another option waiting in the wings.

If things get rocky, it feels simpler to walk away than to stick it out.

You might tell yourself, “It was meant to happen this way,” hoping that makes it easier to replace your ex with the next person who comes along. And sure, sometimes someone better does show up.

But not always.

Sometimes you’re hit with the unpleasant surprise that your problems followed you right into the next relationship.

Because here’s the truth: if you had issues that damaged your last relationship, chances are you’ll carry those same issues into the next one.

That’s why asking your ex for another shot, if you know you ruined things, can actually be more about you than them. It gives you the chance to fix behaviors that don’t serve you, grow into a healthier version of yourself, and experience love in a deeper, more sustainable way.

And even if the relationship ultimately doesn’t work out despite your efforts, at least you won’t be stuck with the regrets and endless “what ifs“.

A Little Background on Breakups

I’ve been in long-term relationships and frienships that went through multiple “breakups” and still survived. The advice I’m sharing with you comes from experience – it works.

It’s even worked with people who swore they’d never go back to an ex, convinced that once it’s over – it’s over.

So if you believe a second chance in love is worth it, keep going.

How to Get a Second Chance with Your Ex

The first thing you need to understand is that WHY the relationship ended really matters.

What we’re talking about here is a situation where your ex genuinely loved you, but something you did disappointed them so deeply, that their feelings changed.

So they decided to walk away.

This approach won’t apply if your partner cheated on you, or you did, or if trust was broken in serious ways such as abuse, domestic violence or other harmful behavior. If that’s the case, my best advice for you is to seek the support you need and cut off all contact with your ex.

If You Think You Screwed Up a Good Relationship…

If your partner broke up with you because they’d had enough of your attitude, you need to understand this: right now, they probably feel like the victim.

Chances are, they’d been carrying negativity for a while, either without you realizing it, or they tried to tell you and you didn’t take it seriously.

Either way – the end result is the same: the relationship ended, and you’re the one left behind.

At this point, your ex is likely so over it that they want as little to do with you as possible.

If their feelings for you were once strong but they still broke up with you, then whatever was bothering them must have been weighing on them for a long time.

Now that it’s over, all they feel is relief.

That means the dynamic has shifted. Communication is no longer on equal ground – you can’t bargain, or “reason” your way back in. You can’t negotiate anything out of the relationship, simply because there is no relationship.

The relationship ended and with it, any obligation for your ex to be kind, patient, or even fair with you.

In fact, if they were deeply hurt and aren’t exactly the most mature, they may even lash out – acting cold, distant, or mean. They might ignore your attempts to reach out, respond with one-word answers, or feel like a completely different person.

An alien from another planet.

Here’s the reality of post-breakup dynamics:

The moment your ex senses you want to win them back, they’re likely to get defensive.

In their mind, they’re justified – after all, if you’re suddenly behaving the way they always wished you had, it can feel manipulative, like you’re just putting on a show to get your way.

So they may ignore your calls and messages.

They may roll their eyes at your promises or laugh off your grand declarations of love. And yes, that can sting- badly. It can chip away at your self-esteem and make the whole situation feel hopeless.

I’m here to tell you it isn’t hopeless.

Even if your ex is acting in the most humiliating way right now, the key to getting through this is simple: you have to forget yourself for a while.

Forget Your Ego

You need to drop everything you’ve been clinging to as “saving your dignity” – sayings like “If you love someone, set them free” don’t apply here. Of course, you should never put someone else above your dignity. But after a breakup, it’s easy to confuse protecting your dignity with protecting your ego.

Want to know what happens if you don’t let go of your ego?

If you give up now and go No-contact, hoping your ex will suddenly “come to their senses” and run back to you, you’re in for a rude awakening. That’s not going to happen.

This part might sting, but it needs to be said.

It won’t work, because right now, your ex doesn’t love you anymore.

Or, if they still have feelings, they simply aren’t strong enough to make them want to stay. So if you truly want another shot, there’s only one path forward: swallow your pride.

Apologize sincerely and ask if there’s anything you can do to make things right. Most likely, your ex won’t be in the mindset to negotiate, they’ll probably tell you to leave them alone.

And that’s fine. That’s exactly what you should do… but only after you’ve put in the effort to show them you deserve another chance. Push until every argument hits a dead end, then apologize one last time and step back.

Now, when I say “push,” I don’t mean breaking down in tears, getting dramatic, or putting on a performance. None of that. You need to stay calm and composed, even while showing persistence. Your goal is to communicate one thing clearly: you’re serious about making things right.

Even if they shut you down before you finish a sentence, don’t walk away too soon.

Here is why:

Right now, your ex will say No to everything, almost by default. The more you press, the more stubbornly they’ll say no. But when you finally leave them alone, they’ll be left with their thoughts – and that’s when doubt creeps in.

If you gave up too easily, here’s the story they’ll tell themselves:

“After everything, this was their first shot at proving they’d change. And they gave up so easily! They were never serious, change takes effort, and they couldn’t even try. They are even lazy to make an effort to convince me, let alone to make a change. Good thing I dumped them.”

But if you show persistence (calm, steady persistence), do you know what happens?

They might reject you flat-out in the moment, but later, as the days pass, they’ll start to feel less certain about their decision.

And that’s where the door cracks open.

Give Your Ex a Few Days Without You

When I say “a few days,” I mean no more than 7–10. Your ex needs a little space to process everything that happened.

If you keep chasing, texting, or begging for another chance during this time, you risk annoying them to the point where whatever attraction they once felt evaporates completely.

But leave them alone for too long right now, more than a week, and they’ll slowly start adjusting to life without you.

So during these days, your best move is full No-contact. No texts, no calls, no surprise visits. Pull back from social media too. Disappear for a bit, and let them sit with the silence.

Keep the Communication Channels Open

While I believe No contact is the best way to heal after a breakup, I don’t believe it’s the best way to reconcile. If your ex left because they were fed up with your attitude, going completely silent won’t give you more than a slim chance of winning them back.

Sure, they might miss you occasionally. But as the days pass, the connection fades. One big reason dumpers miss their exes is habit – the daily texts, the routines, the constant presence. When that ends, both of you feel the loss, though it usually hits the dumpee harder.

Over time, though, your ex adapts to life without you. The longer that goes on, the harder it becomes to rebuild the bond.

That’s why, after you’ve given them about a week of space (or ten days even), to cool down, your next move is to gently reestablish communication.

Texting is the best way to start. A phone call out of the blue can come across as too pushy.

The key is to keep your messages short, casual, and light. No long paragraphs. No confessions of love. No breakup autopsy. Just simple, neutral check-ins that show interest without pressure. For example:

“How are you?”

“I saw [movie/book/show they’d like]. Can’t believe it’s getting so many good reviews – it’s still mediocre.”

“Finally making some progress on my project.”

Or even a quick link to an article they’d find interesting.

This does two things:

It shows you’re still interested in them. Like it or not, most people feel flattered when someone makes the effort, even in small ways.
It signals that you’re not trying to force anything bigger – you just want a normal, human conversation.

Identify What Needs to Change – and Change It

There’s no point in trying to win back your ex if you aren’t willing to fix the issues on your end that contributed to the breakup.

Otherwise, you’re just wasting both your time and theirs.

Commit to genuinely working on the things that need to change to make a second chance possible.

It could be anything – being non-committal, lazy, overly dependent, unambitious, unappreciative, rude, or struggling with addictions. Whatever it is, these were the deal-breakers for your ex, and they need to be addressed.

But here’s the most important part: you’re not fixing these things just to get your ex back. You’re fixing them for yourself. If certain patterns or behaviors are making love, and life, difficult, the real reason to change is so that you can grow and thrive.

Opt for Being Friends While Rebuilding Your Image

Yeah I know, I know. This is something nobody wants to hear – to willingly step into the dreaded “friend zone” with someone they still have feelings for.

But you need to understand one thing.

It’s impossible to get back into a relationship with your ex, as long as they hold negative feelings toward you. If they don’t see you as someone of value, they won’t want you in their life.

After a breakup, your ex is likely filled with frustration and resentment.

For them to even consider talking to you again, they need their guard down. They need to want to engage with you. And for that to happen, they must start letting go of the negative image they have of you.

So be kind to your ex.

Whenever possible, make their life easier through small, selfless acts. Keep your interactions light and pleasant. Let your ego take a back seat, and ignore any snide remarks or negativity.

Show up for them in subtle, non-intrusive ways. Demonstrate, without words if necessary, that the issues which drove them away no longer define you.

Keep the Balance Between Being There and Giving Your Ex Space

The end goal is to convince your ex, without saying it outright, that:

You’re changing for the better
You’re now a person of high value, and it would be a mistake not to have you in their life
You genuinely care about them and their wellbeing
You’ll be okay even if you don’t get back together

If that last point sounds contradictory, hear me out.

The moment someone senses you’re desperate to be with them, they’ll pull away. They’ll become suspicious, raise their barriers, and it will feel impossible to get close again. This is just how it works.

To prevent this, give them space. Don’t call or text every other day. Keep a brave face and act like the breakup hasn’t shaken you at all.

You’re not trying to “get back together” with your ex – you’re starting a new relationship with them. The last thing they need right now is a reminder of the one that failed.

Do you know why this strategy gives you a big advantage?

People hate to lose.

Your ex has already invested time, energy, and emotion into a relationship that didn’t work. That feels like failure. Nobody likes admitting failure – it means starting over with someone new, investing the same effort, and risking the same disappointment.

Now, imagine if they already know you. Familiarity feels safer.

By subtly planting the idea that things could be different this time, you give them a chance to rethink the past—not as a failure, but as a learning experience.

Suddenly, the time they spent with you doesn’t feel wasted, and the idea of giving the relationship another shot becomes easier to consider.

Spend Time Together Without Expectations – Don’t Force Labels or Rehash the Past

Start seeing your ex regularly, but as friends.

Keep things light and natural. Don’t try too hard to prove you’ve changed, let your behavior do the talking.

Allow your ex to become re-attracted to you organically. If intimacy develops, don’t ask, “Are we together now?” and don’t push for labels.

If you play this right, the most likely outcome is that you’ll slowly rebuild closeness and eventually ease back into a relationship naturally.

Of course, things don’t always unfold that way.

Your ex has free will – they could decide to start over with someone new, or even date others while you remain involved. And that’s okay.

Why? Because even if it doesn’t work out, you’ve done everything possible to rebuild the connection, and in the process, you’ve matured and learned a valuable lesson.

There’s no stronger motivation for change than the pain of a breakup.

The positive changes you’ve made post-breakup will ensure you don’t repeat the same mistakes in your next relationship, whether it’s with this ex or someone new.

Ironically, around six months after the breakup, this is often when people finally give up trying to win their ex back. You might feel sadness, but unlike immediately after the breakup, you now have peace knowing you did everything you could, and that allows you to move on.

And here’s the twist: it’s often at this point, when your ex has grown used to your thoughtful, positive presence, that losing it suddenly hits them hard. That’s when they may come back to you.

In Conclusion

The advice in this article might feel different from what you’ve read elsewhere – but that’s because it’s grounded in real breakup experience, not just theory.

This isn’t recycled advice from every other website. It’s based entirely on what actually works in real situations.

I sincerely hope this article gave you the insight you need to understand breakups and how to approach a second chance with someone you love.

Did you get back together with your ex? Check out How to get over your ex in 30 days for a practical, step-by-step guide.

Drop a comment below – I’d love to hear your experience.

See more on the subject:

What makes a man stop valuing a woman

How to avoid falling in love fast

Why it is pointless to obsess over a crush

How to be assertive in your next relationship

How to overcome love dependancy

What to do if your ex wants you back?

TheThinkAbout is a website based on psychology in practice and experience.