Are you a confident person?

I imagine asking my voice assistant something like:
"Alexa, what is self-confidence"?
And Alexa would respond something like:

Self-Confidence is the belief that you are competent, worthy, and valuable. It’s the assurance that even when setbacks happen, you won’t be paralyzed by fear of failure - because you trust yourself to handle whatever comes your way.

Sounds neat, right?

But here’s the thing: knowing what self-confidence is and realizing the importance of it are two very different things. To me, that realization usually comes only with experience, after life knocks you down a few times and you finally learn the lesson.

The same goes for self-esteem.

Most people know what it is. What’s rare is realizing that they don’t have it, and that their lack of self-esteem is quietly ruining their life.

Usually, it takes a bad situation that keeps repeating itself to shine a light on the problem.

People keep running into the same walls, making the same mistakes, and expecting different results… until eventually, they see the common thread: their own self-worth is running on empty, and something has to change.

Why You Should Build Your Self-Confidence

If you have low self-confidence (or low self-esteem), you’re going to feel bad about yourself.

It really is that simple.

Here’s why:

Self-esteem is your overall belief in whether or not you’re worthy. It’s built on how confident you are in your abilities, but not just any abilities.

For example, if you admire people who are independent, successful, or attractive, then those are the qualities you personally value. To build high self-esteem, you need to develop those same qualities for yourself.

If you don’t, your self-confidence will take a hit.

And here’s the kicker: it doesn’t even matter if you’re strong in other areas. You could be the world’s best listener, but if you don’t believe that’s an important trait, it won’t boost your confidence one bit.

Makes sense, doesn’t it?

So the first step to building self-esteem is figuring out which qualities you value, and then actively working to adopt them.

Think about it this way: if you lacked a quality you didn’t care about – say, you can’t sing, but singing means nothing to you – would that really bother you?

Probably not. You’d still feel good about yourself!

Now, let’s get practical. Take a moment and check in with yourself.

Ask: How do I actually feel about my self-confidence?

If you can honestly answer “yes” to even two of the following signs of low self-confidence, it’s time to take action.

Signs You Aren’t Confident

Let’s cut straight to it. You might think you’re “just shy” or “humble,” but if most of these sound like you, chances are your self-confidence is running on fumes.

• You Over-Criticise Yourself

Taking responsibility is healthy. Beating yourself up 24/7 is not.
Thoughts like:

• “Why didn’t they invite me? I must be really boring.”
• “My ex left me, I’ll never find anyone that good again.”
• “I need to lose 5 pounds, I look like a fat cow”
• “I looked so stupid in that meeting.”
• “Ugh, my hair looks awful.”

That inner voice isn’t “honest” – it’s toxic.

• You Constantly Seek Validation

Yes, feedback from others matters. But if you can’t feel good about your choices until someone else signs off on them? You’ve basically handed all your power away.

That’s one of the clearest signs of shaky self-esteem.

• You Think Everyone’s Watching You

Paranoia alert:

“Why did my coworker look at me like that?”

“They’re copying my shirt style.”

“I bet they’re talking about me after I leave.”

Spoiler: most people are too busy worrying about themselves to obsess over your every move.

• Compliments Make You Awkward

You might think this is a common problem but it’s not.

Confident people smile, say “thank you,” and move on. They feel good when complimented – why wouldn’t they? If they believe they have what it takes, it’s simply nice to be recognized by others as well.

If you feel squirmy when praised, it’s because deep down you don’t believe you deserve it.

• You Struggle to Assert Yourself

If people walk all over you, it’s not because they’re evil masterminds. It’s because you don’t set boundaries. Saying something once and hoping people “just remember” doesn’t cut it. Assertiveness means calmly repeating what you need – and not backing down.

“But I said it one time! Can’t people just remember what I said?”

Did you actually insist on getting it?

Maybe you’d rather keep the peace than set a boundary. Maybe you hope others will pick up on your hints. Or maybe you fall into people-pleasing.

If asserting yourself feels hard, this article can help.

• You Compare Yourself to Everyone

Friends, love interests, colleagues – even complete strangers.

It’s a sign of low confidence when you catch yourself comparing your looks, finances, or lifestyle to others and end up feeling embarrassed, inferior, or inadequate.

• Over-apologizing or over-explaining

It’s enough to say “sorry” once when you’ve done something wrong. If you feel the urge to repeat it over and over, that’s your anxiety trying to win people’s approval.

• Insecure body language

Your body language can reveal a lot about your confidence.

Insecure people often speak quietly or mumble, either unsure of what they’re saying or secretly hoping not to be heard. They also allow others to interrupt them without protest.

Pay attention next time you’re in a group: how much space are you taking up? Do you sit tucked in a corner with arms and legs crossed? That’s a classic sign of low confidence – making yourself as small as possible.

Want to flip the script? Watch this video on psychological tricks confident people use to command respect.

What Happens If You Run Low on Self-Confidence

Life looks very different depending on your confidence level. A strong sense of self opens doors. A lack of it? It slams them shut.

Think about it: dates, parties, job interviews, trying new hobbies – ALL missed opportunities simply because self-doubt whispers, “You can’t handle this.”

You basically reduce your quality of life.

Maybe you want to change your diet but never do, because you don’t believe you’ll succeed.

Maybe you avoid going to parties because you’re scared you’ll have nobody to talk to.

Maybe you dream of starting your own business but keep procrastinating, because you don’t trust yourself to pull it off.

Maybe you have artwork to show the world but self-doubt keeps it hidden.

You also can’t form healthy relationships without confidence.

Sooner or later, problems show up – whether it’s struggling to express your needs, suffocating your partner, or falling into unhealthy coping mechanisms like manipulation.

Your level of assertiveness is tied directly to your confidence. (See how to be more assertive in relationships here.)

You don’t feel good about yourself.

Maybe the hardest truth of all. But that’s exactly why you need to take a stand and fix your self-esteem.

The Perks of Having Confidence

Being confident opens doors that were previously shut tight:

• It makes you resilient – You can quickly recover and bounce back from failures because you trust yourself to do better next time.
• It makes you assertive – You’re able to ask for what you want, stand up for yourself, and communicate your needs clearly, because you believe you deserve them.
• It makes you attractive – Confidence is a cornerstone of charisma. In fact, it’s arguably the single most universally attractive trait in a potential partner.
• It makes you successful – Success often comes down to persistence. Confident people don’t dwell on failures or limitations, they trust in their ability to overcome obstacles, which keeps them going when others give up.

Reasons Why You May Lack Confidence

Before you start working on building self-confidence, it’s important to dig deep and identify the root causes of why you feel like you don’t measure up. It could be:

• Poor body image

• Bullying

• An abusive childhood

• Mental health conditions

• Poor academic performance in school

• Traumatic relationships

Whatever has happened in your life, remember one thing: you can and will become a person with high self-confidence, regardless of your past.

A Step-by-Step Guide to Building Your Confidence

Becoming a person with high self-value doesn’t have to be a struggle, just follow these four steps:

Step 1 – Identify What Causes Your Low Self-Confidence

The first thing you need to do when asking, “How can I become more confident?” is figure out what it is about yourself that you don’t like but want to improve.

Ask yourself:

• Am I not socially skilled enough?
• Do I feel unattractive?
• Am I underperforming at work?

Think it through, write it down, and take an honest look at it. Awareness is the first step toward change.

Step 2 – Start Spoiling Yourself

Realize that you are the most important person in your life. Whatever happens, the only person who will always be there for you is you.

Commit to pouring energy into your development and into making yourself feel good.

How would you treat your best friend? Start giving yourself the same treatment:

• Proper sleep
• Nutritious food
• Regular workouts
• A fresh haircut or new clothes
• Taking yourself out for a walk or other enjoyable activities

You need to get used to spoiling yourself in every way possible.

If you’ve worked hard all afternoon and crave something sweet, don’t beat yourself up with thoughts like, “No way, I’ll get fat.” Instead, think: “Now I’m going for a walk to enjoy the BEST chocolate there is!”

By consistently treating yourself well, you’ll convince your subconscious that you’re worthy of care and attention. Over time, your mind will begin to expect the same treatment from others.

Step 3 – Set Goals

Identify the areas of your life you want to improve and set clear goals. (This article reveals the ultimate goal-setting technique that can help you achieve anything you want.)

Once you’ve identified what needs to change, start taking small, deliberate steps toward it.

When your brain notices you’re actively working to change what bothers you, it rewards you with dopamine, serotonin, and other feel-good hormones. That positive reinforcement will help you keep moving forward.

Step 4 – Fake It Till You Make It

Just decide to act confident – and do it.

Did you know you can essentially become anything you want by programming your subconscious mind?

If you really, truly want to be a confident person, all you need to do is start BEHAVING as a confident person would. Don’t worry about “feeling it” yet, your unconscious mind will gradually catch up and make it real.

Remember these 5 self-confidence lessons I’ve learned through experience:

Lesson 1: If people sense that you have low self-esteem, they WILL take advantage of you

This is as sure as the sun will rise. People will seize any chance to boost their ego, and if that means diminishing you, they won’t hesitate.

Lesson 2: Most people have low self-esteem but it’s not obvious

Everyone has insecurities – looks, intelligence, finances, skills, but most hide them. Maybe you just make yours too obvious.

Lesson 3: You can’t be happy with low self-esteem

For all the above listed reasons.

Lesson 4: People care far less than you think

Once you realize everyone is busy struggling through their own lives, it takes the pressure off. You can focus entirely on yourself.

Lesson 5 : Self-esteem is something that CAN be improved

Confidence isn’t fixed, it’s a habit you build by choice. You can transform from a shy, awkward, or anxious individual into a powerful, confident, and successful person at any stage of your life.

Was this helpful?

See also:

Why some people succeed in life and others don’t

Why you shouldn’t share your plans

How to stop dwarfing yourself and idolizing other people

Why unfinished business is bad for your brain

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